PETER JACKSON: ‘THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR WILL HAVE TO BE 5 FILMS’

WELLINGTON – Film director and slow reader Peter Jackson has announced his next project will be a franchise based on the popular children’s book The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

‘We’re trying to break down the story,’ animal killer Peter Jackson (as he prefers to be known) said. ‘It’s really difficult because there’s so much to it. So Fran said, why not split it into more than one movie? We talked to the studio and agreed on five as a good number. It’s more than three and less than twenty.’

The decision will not come as a surprise to Jackson fans who have got used to the New Zealander’s unbelievable avarice  epic imagination. Jackson said:

I know there will be criticism from the purists but if you go back to the original Eric Carle book, you’ll see clearly that the book has a very clear five film structure. That Caterpillar eats a hell of a lot of food. Ice cream cones, a leaf, some pie, it’s just endless. And if we were try to squeeze that into just one or even two movies we’d lose so much. 

Andy Serkis will play everything.

 The Very Hungry Caterpillar: Part One The Unexpected Hatching is due to start filming in June, 2013 and will star Andy Serkis.

JONATHAN LIEBESMAN TO FILM LIVE ACTION TOUCHÉ TURTLE

HOLLYWOOD – Following the massive success of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Jonathan Liebseman has announced that he is planning to film a live action version of the Hanna-Barbera classic Touché Turtle.

Touché Turtle and Dum Dum has already got a script finalized and is due to start filming in the Fall. Jonathan Liebseman came into the Studio Exec bungalow to talk EXCLUSIVELY about the project:

Many people will be saying to me, ‘Jonathan Liebseman enough with the Turtles already’, but once you start researching turtles as I did extensively for TMNT then you start to realize how fascinating these creatures actually are. Did you know that turtles typically live until they’re more than one hundred years old?

Wow! Really?

I think. I mean I don’t know. They look old, don’t they?

What about the new film Jonathan?

It is based on the first ever Touché Turtle episode The Whale and the Tale but we’ve made it longer and Hans Zimmer is already working on a score, which he’s calling Touché Away. Lots of tuba. We have Andy Serkis interested but he hasn’t decided yet. He’s a bit worried about being typecast and he’s also quite busy with The Jungle Book. Jack black has been begging me to let him play Dum Dum but I’m not convinced. Did you know the shell is actually part of the turtle’s body and not just like a little house they carry around?

Yeah, I knew that.

Marvellous!

Touché Turtle and Dum Dum will be released in 2016.

SEX LIVES OF THE HOBBITS REVEALED IN NEW BOOK

NEW ZEALAND –  An Unexpected Entry: The Sex Lives of the Hobbits: a new kiss and tell memoir by Sam Gamgee actor Sean Astin looks set to blow the lid off the night time doings in Hobbiton.

The Lord of the Rings and Goonies actor has already written one book about his experiences of making Peter Jackson’s epic three film saga: the incredibly whiny and self-deluded There and Back Again: An Actor’s Tale. But his new book looks to be an altogether different take. Among the many sizzling scandals, Astin reveals:

  • How one Hobbit was famous for using his Mines of Moria ‘GANDALF!’ scream at the point of climax.
  • How another pair of Hobbits had a competition to bag as many elves as they could in one night.
  • How Peter Jackson organised orgies between the principal actors and their body doubles, which Andy Serkis would participate in via motion capture technology.
  • Where the name ‘Gollum’ really comes from. 

Many have suggested that Astin has fabricated everything as an act of revenge at not being gifted a role in Peter Jackson’s new Hobbit films, but Ian McKellen has said that “Every word is true. We had a lovely time and what the hell else were we supposed to do. We were in New Zealand for goodness sake!”

An Unexpected Entry: The Sex Lives of the Hobbits is available from Amazon and all good book stores.

FIRST LOOK: MCCONAUGHEY’S FREE STATE OF JONES GETS TITLE CHANGE

HOLLYWOOD – Matthew McConaughey’s Civil War time travel comedy previously known as the Free State of Jones has got a change of name and direction: Home Alone: Origins.

Although originally billed as a serious drama, director Gary Ross said the change of direction had been motivated by the star himself. He spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Matthew was very concerned that he had done perhaps one too many gritty role. He’d got his Oscar and it had served him well and his roster looked just a gritty with the the new Reese Witherspoon drama Gritty Mud coming up. So we got together and we thought what can we do to return Matthew to the zone of Failure to Launch and Fool’s Gold. The glory years as we call them.

And?

Well, we had the rights to the Home Alone series and we decide wouldn’t it be fun to do a kind of Lost in Time prequel. What if Kevin (Macaulay Culkin) was staying at his mad scientist uncle’s place, played by McConaughey, and he accidentally got trapped in a time machine and left behind at the time of the Civil War. The uncle has to go back in time to find his nephew. Meanwhile, Kevin goes from bloody battlefield to bloody battlefield, playing a key role in victories and defeats, using improvised cartoon-like weapons, bowling balls, tennis rackets and buckets of cold water.

Sounds hi-lar-ious. Will Culkin be age appropriate though?

Don’t worry we’ll Serkis him. We’ll need to use a lot of CGI anyway. What we first shot is still quite dark and gruesome. But there was always a darkness to Kevin’s story. And Andy Serkis will be perfect in bringing the out.

And what about the Terminator connection?

I’m glad you asked me that. Of course, that is the other great time travel franchise, so we thought why not tie it in? It’s not as if anyone is actually paying attention anymore to continuity or logic. So yes a T2000 will feature in the film, voiced by Joe Pesci!

Home Alone: Origins will be released in 2016.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor

5 FACTS WE LEARNED FROM THE FORCE AWAKENS TRAILER

HOLLYWOOD – Star Wars: The Force Awakens trailer debuted on the internet, yet what did it really tell us about the film due out on Christmas Day, 2015? A previous Force Awakens post gave some ideas but to be sure we sent our Padawan FACT team to FACT-touine to find out.

1. Folk singer and misanthrope Llewyn Davis (Oscar Isaac) from the Coen Brothers’ Inside Llewyn Davis gets to fly an x-wing over a lake. As well as an exciting moments of derring-do, Davis will no doubt be offering a song on acoustic guitar, perhaps as a melancholic prelude to a massive battle sequence, à la Pippin in Return of the King.

2. Stormtroopers are going to fight on the beaches of Normandy. Whether they have broadened their admission policy to included people who are not Bobba Fett’s father, or is Attack the Block’s John Boyega doing a bit of garbage compactor style disguise? This we are yet to see, but knowing Abrams’ fondness for visual quotes (inspired by a love of the original and/or a lack of original ideas) my credits would be on the latter.

3. Andy Serkis/Benedict Cumberbatch/Adam Driver’s voice-over is the kind of gravel strewn larynx work that usually can be heard on commercials for bourbon or Monday night football. The intoning about darkness awakening and light too is all a bit silly and made me miss Yoda’s thrilling précis to the Phantom Menace trailer, which was – let’s not forget – an exciting trailer.

4. Bad Robot is not just JJ Abrams’ production company, but an ethos. If you hated flying CGI R2D2, you’re going to loathe SPIN-EE Bad Robot Spin.

5. Sith Lords are so bad ass that even the safety guard on their lightsabers can cut your fingers off. The Millennium Falcon loops the loop (bit of lens flare), Daisy Ridley tools around on a landspeeder turned sideways and Voldemort lurks North of the Wall. What more could we want?

For more Movie FACTS CLICK HERE!

DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES USES ‘FAKE APES’

HOLLYWOOD – Hollywood was rocked yesterday by a series of accusations that the new film Dawn of the Planet of the Apes has – according to an unnamed source – ‘resorted to trickery’ and will not feature real apes.

The source told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that:

The studio had been worried about using real apes after Andy Serkis, the ape who played Caesar in the first film Rise of the Planet of the Apes, began to make outrageous demands, including wanting to direct his own movies. So they said, we don’t need the fuss and they decided to use something called ‘computers’ to generate what they refer to as ‘imagery’.

Reaction throughout the simian world has been immediate and furious. Our very own primate correspondent Banjo added his voice to the chorus of protest:

Humans bad. Human not pay Union minimum. Use CGI. They not realistic. Weird eyes. No weight. Look like cartoon.

However, the film’s director Matt Reeves has insisted that ape actors have been used and explained the source of the rumors:

In the film we have a lot of action scenes, with some quite extreme stunts. Most of our ape actors can handle this, but sometimes because of the nature of the stunt it is simply too dangerous and in these situations and only in these situations have we resorted to CGI for reasons purely of safety. 99% of what you see is absolutely real.

Is it true you dubbed some of the apes because their accents were too thick?

No, absolutely not.

Ape and human relations have taken a blow and we will wait and see if from this apparently trivial labor dispute a cross-species war breaks out across the whole planet.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes is on general release.  

SEAN PENN SIGNS ON FOR EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE

HOLLYWOOD – In his ongoing campaign to undermine Hollywood via an onslaught of so-so work, Sean Penn has signed on for the remake of the Clint Eastwood orangutan/bare knuckle boxing comedy Every Which Way But Loose.

Penn is set to play Clyde, teaming up with his old We’re No Angels pal Robert De Niro who will be punching below his weight once more as an aging Philo Beddoe. Clint Eastwood will take over duties behind the camera. 

It’s territory I’ve wanted to go back to for sometime, but the script has never quite been there. Then De Niro came to me with a spec script David O. Russell had written during breaks on American Hustle. At first I was cautious. Frankly, I was wary of asking an actor of Mr. De Niro’s stature to prance around with Sean Penn dressed as a monkey for laughs. Then I saw Grudge Match and any such qualms were put to rest. It’s f*cking Shakespeare by comparison.

Penn has been training with Andy Serkis in preparation for the role. ‘He’s been living with us for about six months,’ said a bemused Serkis. ‘I’m not sure why.’ 

Every Which way but Loose will begin shooting in June.  

PETER JACKSON TO BE SUED BY KING KONG ‘ACTOR’

Giles Haversmith










WELLINGTON – Animal murderer Peter Jackson is to be sued by Giles Haversmith, the performer who brought the famous monster monkey King Kong to life for Mr. Jackson’s forgotten 2005 film. Mr. Haversmith – who is a giant ape – said that Mr. Jackson and his company were guilty of ‘mistreatment and extreme emotional damage’ citing ‘prodding at his genitalia and laughing’ as well as ‘falsely claiming he was CGI creation, created with a combination of Andy Serkis motion capture and Alec Baldwin’s back hair.’
Dr. Haversmith – who has a Ph.D in French Romantic Literature – said in a statement:

Post poo

What you see up there is me. All me and that has never been fully recognised. I put my soul up there on the screen. Pete Jackson said that this was going to do for giant talking apes, what Philadelphia did for gay men and Forrest Gump did for dumb asses. In fact in the film all my lines were cut. I just looked like an idiot.   

The claims comes in a week which saw Jackson assailed by claims that the 48 FPS rate of The Hobbit was causing pregnancies that some feared would lead to the creation of a cute Orc army. However, Mr. Jackson poo-pooed the allegations (by which we literally mean he literally did a poo poo on Dr. Haversmith’s written statement.) 

ANIMAL CRUELTY ON THE HOBBIT SET: SMAUG SPEAKS OUT

His identity is protected












NEW ZEALAND -We meet in Wellington at the underground car park that for the last 13 months has been home to my source. I could call him Deep Throat, but he has had the courage to blow the whistle on New Zealand’s favorite son, Peter Jackson and he’s not afraid to say his name. He is Smaug, the villain of the piece, the dragon whose gold Bilbo Baggins and his dwarf companions wish to steal. But there has been more than one crime at the Lonely Mountain.

‘S’ironic really,’ says Smaug curled up between the SUVs. ‘Petey came up and he says originally they were going to CGI the role and then the budget wasn’t looking too hot and so he decided to go practical. Course dragons are a protected species, but he don’t give a shit. First of all he strings me up with wires and has Andy Serkis pulling me fucking every which way. Well, I wasn’t having that. I said Pete, I’m an artiste. He said okay, but he was laughing.’

How do you respond to the charge that animals have been injured and killed on The Hobbit?


Not with the filming. They’re very careful. They got animal rights groups all over that. But once the cameras stop rolling, that shit from The Office goes back to his nice hotel, I’m herded down here, the horses are in some kind of abandoned mine, Moria or something it’s called. And the chickens and things like that are just eaten. The crew just jump on them. No cooking, no preparation. S’savage man.


Do you feel you have been mistreated or in anyway exploited?

There’s been a lot of hate speech. That Cate Blanchett would just look at me and say ‘who brought Puff?’ They even all wore t-shirts with Puff written on them and a picture of me. But this is nothing. You should have seen what Jackson did to Kong. He fucking hates animals, really hates them.


Would you support a boycott of the film?

No. I’m very proud of the film and my work on it. I believe in Dragon Rights and the more visible we are the less we can be abused and victimized. Look what Jaws did for sharks. Suddenly everyone loved sharks and wanted like to support shark charities. I’m hoping the Hobbit will have a similar effect on dragons.