IS ANDY MURRAY A HIGHLANDER?











LONDONAndy Murray’s Wimbledon semi-final match was throw into chaos this morning after respected historian Simon Schama was arrested for attempting to decapitate the tennis star with a claymore.


Schama, who remains in custody pending psychiatric evaluation, wrote on his blog the day before the incident that he had uncovered information regarding Murray’s true origins.

I’m convinced that Murray is an Immortal. Not only is he Scottish and a huge fan of the band Queen but his resemblance to a young Christopher Lambert is uncanny. Unfortunately the only way to prove my theory is to sever his head from his body.

An eyewitness to Schama’s attack claims it was only the quick thinking of Murray’s coach Ivan Lendl that saved the World number 2 from an untimely demise:

I saw a middle aged man run onto the court waving a sword and head towards Andy. Fortunately Lendl spotted him, smashed a forehand towards the assailant and the ball struck him on the back of the skull rendering him unconscious.

Despite the circumstantial evidence, the All England club has said it will investigate Schama’s claim

Whilst we strongly condemn the attack, it is our duty to ensure that no player has an unfair advantage. Currently the rules do not state that Highlanders cannot take part in the tournament though the Quickening could be regarded as a performance enhancing stimulant.

Asked if he believed Schama’s accusation, tennis fan and Spanish nobleman Sean Connery had a twinkle in his eye.

Well. It might be true; it might not be true. All I know for sure is Andy is one step away from the Wimbledon final and when we get to that stage… There can be only one.