BELGIUM – Tom Six’s The Human Centipede follows in the footsteps of Billy Elliot and Spider-man to become the latest movie to be transformed into a big Broadway musical. 

With Human Centipede 3: The Final Sequence in cinemas at the moment the popularity of the digestive horror franchise has never been higher and some analysts are surprised only that it hasn’t made the move earlier. Theater critic Xavier Poulis said:

Human Centipede is an absolutely obvious choice for Broadway adaptation. It has physical movement, a strong central idea and it is genuinely moving. The team assembled are top class and I can see Human Centipede challenging the likes of Les Miserables for longevity.

Tim Rice has already written the book and Andrew Lloyd Webber is busy putting the finishing touches to what he calls ‘the sickest shit I’ve ever done.’

The first songs have leaked (never was the word more appropriate) onto the internet, with such promising titles as ‘He’s got the Whole World in his Glands’ and ‘You’ll find an End in Me’. James Purefoy will take the role of the mad scientist whose anatomical experiment has terrible consequences for Andrew Garfield, Rachel McAdams and Carey Mulligan.

An overexcited Tim Rice said:

We’ve missed in some classics, like Scott Walker’s ‘Get Behind Me’ and the evergreen favorite ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’, with some of our original songs like ‘Arse horizon’ and the fantastic post-operation ‘Stuck in the Middle with You’ which we’ve changed to ‘Smm mmmml mmw ooo’ because it’s sung by the one in the middle.

The Human Centipede Sings! is due to open early in 2016.


NEW YORK –  The hit Kevin James ‘comedy’ Here Comes the Boom was everything cinema can be and more, and so it comes as no surprise that Andrew Lloyd Webber is putting on a major musical/theatrical ‘re-imagining’: Here Comes the Boom: the Musical on Broadway.

John Goodman is to play Scott Voss, a biology teacher who has to become a mixed martial arts fighter in order to raise money to pay for the school’s extra-curricular activities. Mr. Goodman said:

I was drawn to the morality and the social conscience of the piece. Who – after all – is talking about the failing school system in popular entertainment, if not ‘friends of the people’ Frank Coraci and Kevin James? Plus I love the songs.

The Lord Lloyd Webber has completed the score with lyrics by Tim Rice, and the first two songs – ‘I Will, I Will, I Will (Punch Him in the Face)’ and ‘I’m a Biology Teacher (Not A Mixed Martial Arts Fighter)’ – are due for release early next week. Although the award winning writer of Evita and Cats did express some trepidation about the project:

Both the vision of Frank Coraci and the towering brilliance of Mr. Kevin James are difficult to rival. I tremble to even approach the material. And yet when I was watching the film for the fifth or sixth time I began to hum these tunes. And before I knew it, they had almost written themselves.

Nathan Lane will play Marty Strebb and Anne Hathaway takes the role of Bella Flores made famous by Salma Hayek. 

Here Comes the Boom: the Musical will open early in 2014.  


Charlie Sheen and Michael Sheen

LONDON – Respected Welsh actor Michael Sheen is set to take the London West End by storm next Fall after signing on to play the lead role of Charlie Sheen in Andrew Lloyd Webber’s long awaited musical Mr Sheen.

“We looked at various actors for the lead,” said Lloyd Webber.

Anthony Hopkins, Ian Holm, Patrick Stewart were all auditioned but due to the extreme physicality of the role nobody would insure us unless we hired an actor under the age of 60. Michael Sheen is young and fit with relatively low cholesterol. So combine that with his acting prowess, he’s the ideal candidate.

Lloyd Webber went on to outline the plot details:

Mr Sheen is a collection of significant events in the life and career of Charlie Sheen, spanning thirty years. Beginning on the set of Platoon, we skip forward to his roles in Wall Street,  Eight Men Out and Hot Shots. Basically those are the only half decent films he has made and the gaps in between are filled with bad movies, orgies with porn stars and cocaine and alcohol abuse. Eventually he manages to get his shit together and ends up getting paid millions to star in a marginally amusing sitcom but after a few seasons he goes mad, returns to the coke and orgies and gets replaced by Ashton Kutcher. I mean seriously, can you imagine what kind of toll that would take on the human mind, being replaced by Ashton Kutcher.

Michael Sheen is rumored to have been living in a penthouse in Las Vegas for the last three months, trying to get into character but Webber says reports of numerous heart attacks and an arrest for attempting to snort a police car are unfounded.

Michael is a pro. Sure we had some teething problems but that was back when we had Charlie on board on a advisory capacity. He took Michael out one night to show him some of the bars he used to drink at and three weeks later we found him in the depths of the Amazon Jungle. He was with a native tribe and had apparently declared himself a living God. It took us a while to convince him to return but eventually he returned and he’s managed to cut down to three porn stars and two bottles of Jack Daniels a day.

Mr Sheen will open at the Prince of Wales theater in September 2014.