OSCAR ISAAC IS BERT IN MARY POPPINS: REDUX

HOLLYWOOD – Disney+ have announced Oscar Isaac is Bert in their all new Mary Poppins Cinematic Universe. The Star Wars heart-throb has impressed with his authentic English accent in Marvel’s upcoming Moon Knight. On the strength of that performance, he will play a modern day Bert in Disney’s update of the beloved classic. The Exec spoke with Oscar about his next project.

Oscar Isaac Is Bert! How Did That Come About?

Everyone loved my accent in the latest Moon Knight trailer that just dropped. The guys at Marvel and Disney had been looking for someone who could take over from Dick Van Dyke, heard me and before you can say Gawd Blimey, Wotcher Meery, I was cast as Bert. It surely is a draym carm trooo.

What Was That?

Sorry, I slipped into character for a second.

Has Anyone Else Been Cast?

I don’t want to break any rules but I’m sure it won’t hurt to let on that they’re going to go with a different concept or actor to play Mary every episode. It’ll be kinda like what they did for Bob Dylan in I’m Not There. Everyone remembers that massive hit, cor blimey guv!

How’s That Going To Work?

One episode they’ll have Helena Bonham Carter doing her thing, next week Kristen Wiig. Then for one episode they’ll have an iPad with Cocomelon playing on it. That’s how most kids are raised these days, cor blimey, pound-a-pound mushrooms, feed the bards tarppence.

So It’s Going To Be A TV Series And Not A Movie?

Yeah, that’s where all the decent content is nowadays. Look at the shit Disney and Marvel release as films now. They keep all the good stuff to stream. Guaranteed revenue streams aint it mate. Fees up Mother Brown!

But What About The Latest Spider-Man Movie? That’s The Highest Grossing Movie Ever.

That was down to Sony. Those f**kers, I mean, those rotters insisted on a cinematic release and they pushed the budget up, cor blimey. If that had been pure Marvel, no way would they have brought back Garfield and Maguire. They got lucky. If that property goes back 100% to Sony, they’ll f**k it up like they always did. Look what they did with Star Wars.

That Was Disney.

It was? Well bugger me backwards with me old boots. I’m up shit alley without a flick knife, I is and I aint. Blimey guv!

Burt And Mary Begins Production Shortly

ANDREW GARFIELD NOT NECESSARY

HOLLYWOOD – It has been revealed that Andrew Garfield is ‘not necessary’.

Andrew Garfield starred in a number of big films including The Amazing Spider-Man, Hacksaw Ridge and Silence. However, scientists revealed today that he isn’t necessary. Dr. Wilhelm Scheme told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Following a series of tests, we showed audiences versions of Garfield’s big films with him in and then other version in which we digitally removed him – Spaceying as it is now called – and we found audience didn’t notice the difference.

Does this mean he’s a bad actor?

No, not at all. You see we ran the same tests with Eddie Redmayne for instance and audiences actually preferred the versions without him. In Andrew’s case they are supremely indifferent to his presence and or absence.

Does this confirm rumors that Garfield is actually the result of a CIA experiment to produce a stealth agent?

I can’t possibly comment. But yes.

Andrew Garfield stars in Burning, Burning Cyborg in 2018.

FIVE FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT TOM HOLLAND

LONDON – There’s a new Spider-Man in town and his name is Tom Holland.

But what do we actually know about this web-slinging Tom Holland. We sent our tingling spider senses FACT squad to London to find out something FACTy.

1. Tom Holland comes from a family of pie makers. His father Dominic Holland invented the meat and potato pie in 1987. Prior to this invention, you could only have meat pies or potato pies. But never the twain shall meet. At the time considered a revolutionary, Dominic has since become a household name. Tom continues to follow the family tradition, by eating pies.

2. In order to get the role of Spider-Man, the 21 year old actor trained as an acrobat and turned up to the audition climbing through the fifth story window. Unfortunately, he slipped and fell to the pavement below. Fortunately, 73 year old Mavis Tucker broke the young actors fall thereby saving his life, at the cost of her own. A price worth paying for a decent Spider-Man.

3. Although young, Holland has appeared in several big movies, including The Impossible, Heart of the Sea, The Lost City of Z and Two Girls and One Cup.

4. A feud between Andrew Garfield, Toby Maguire and Tom Holland was settled by a face fight in a deserted warehouse by the light of a petrol drum fire which left two of the Spider-Mans dead.

5. While making Spider-man: Homecoming, Robert Downey Jr would play jokes on his young co-star by leaving him messages that read things like: ‘You’re fired’ and ‘No, seriously. You’re fired. Get your stuff and leave’.

For more FACTS click HERE.

BRUCE WILLIS: ANDREW GARFIELD ‘HAS TOO MUCH HAIR’

HOLLYWOOD – Die Hard actor Bruce Willis today attacked Andrew Garfield for ‘having too much hair’.

Star of Silence and Hacksaw Ridge Andrew Garfield ‘has too much hair’, according to Bruce Willis. bruce willis

The Hudson Hawk and Moonlighting star told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

It’s just not fair. I don’t even have any eyebrows anymore and here’s this guy, comes over to our country, with this luxurious bouffant! I mean, Jesus.

Willis’ comments were supported by Vin Diesel and Woody Harrelson, but Adam Driver defended the former Spider-Man:

Andy has a lot of hair sure, but I know for a fact that the hair that he catches in the plughole when he showers he donates to charities for hairless children in the developing world.

Silence is in theaters.

SILENCE – REVIEW

REVIEW: SILENCE – Spider-man and Kylo Ren go to Japan to find Ra’s Ghul.

Martin Scorsese’s new film apparently took 20 years to make or more accurately he wanted to do it for twenty years or something. Anyway the adaptation of Shusaku Endo’s amazing novel is faithful, perhaps overly so. Large slabs of prose are Terrence Malicked onto the soundtrack, but at the same time Scorsese also literally renders paragraphs, often risking silliness. The story often slides towards Christian propaganda and one wonders how Mel Gibson would have dealt with it. And how critics would have looked at the film if he had.

Hacksaw Ridge actor Andrew Garfield does some more blinking as the priest who with Adam Driver goes looking for Liam Neeson and proselytize to the heathens in Japan. The persecution that follows provides a stations of the cross for the priest who enters his crisis of faith. There’s some dodgy CGI and some wonderfully inventive direction. But the ambiguity of the novel has its hand tipped with a clumsy last shot and dedication.

For more Reviews, Click Here.

MARTIN SCORSESE’S SILENT MOVIE ‘BULLSHIT’ SAYS EXPERT

HOLLYWOOD – Martin Scorsese’s new movie Silence has been branded ‘bullshit’ by a leading expert on silent cinema.

The trailer dropped for Martin Scorsese’s new film Silence this week but not everyone is impressed.

Maurice Hepatite, leading expert of the silent era and author of ‘Say What: An Exploration in Early Cinema’, reacted with disgust to the footage.

It’s obvious that Mr. Scorsese knows next to nothing about silent films. His movie is called Silence, but having watched the trailer five times, I can tell you that first there is talking, then there is music and there are sound effects clearly audible on the soundtrack. There’s a goddamned soundtrack as well.

But Martin Scorsese…

Scorsese promised a silent movie. Look at the goddamned title, Chad. And all we get is the word ‘silence’, which garfield speaks spoken in a ridiculous Portuguese accent. Saying the word Silence doesn’t make this a silent movie. I thought someone of Mr. Scorsese’s purported acumen would have known that.

The film stars Andrew Garfield, Adam Driver and Liam Neeson as three priests with terrible accents who decide to be silent in order to avoid embarrassment.

Silence will be released in December, 2016.

HACKSAW RIDGE – REVIEW

HACKSAW RIDGE – REVIEW: Andrew Garfield plays pacifist superhero in bloody World War 2 drama.

Mel Gibson returns to blood and violence with a have-your-cake-and-eat-it Pacific theater war movie. Andrew Garfield stars as the pacifist stretcher-bearer Desmond Doss. Having volunteered to join the army at the outbreak of the Second World War, Doss refuses to carry a rifle, much to the consternation and then fury of his comrades and superiors. Vince Vaughn, who plays Vince Vaughn giving up smoking, is a sergeant with a particular grievance against him. However, once on the battlefield Doss’s heroism proves divinely inspired and life-saving.

Hacksaw Ridge is going for the same ideological spill-over that proved such a success for Clint Eastwood’s American Sniper. Those who like war will like it, those who don’t like war will like it and those who say they don’t like war but secretly kind of do will love it. There’s muscular Christianity, muscularity generally and blood and guts galore. Garfield is good as a ‘holy fool’ whose pacifism seems to be reductively inspired by an aversion to his abusive father. Gibson seems to like him as a saintly character that you don’t really need to feel any need to imitate.

This is an insanely dishonest movie and as such will be hugely popular.

Oscar glory beckons.

For more Reviews, Click Here.

 

EXCLUSIVE LOOK INSIDE THE SPIDER-MAN RETIREMENT HOME

HOLLYWOOD – As the world prepares for a new Spider-Man to be unveiled in Captain America: Civil War, the Studio Exec has been granted an EXCLUSIVE peek into the Retirement Home for Former Spider-Men.

Tom Holland as the new Spider-Man is already drawing rave reviews from the early buzz surrounding Captain America: Civil War,  but what awaits the young actor when his tenure as Marvel’s favorite web-slinger is through. We went inside the quiet sleepy confines of the Retirement Home for Former Spider-Men to find out. Situated in Daytona Beach, Florida, the complex covers over a hundred acres of plush grassland. The building itself is modest enough with no outside indication of the Peter Parkers who roam the rec-rooms and shuffle board courts.

Nurse Jackie Pertite showed us around:

We have all the mod cons as well as a full time nursing staff to take care of our residents. Tobey Maguire is here somewhere. He tends to go to the climbing wall. Once those boys have a go, it’s just the dickens getting them to come down.

But Tobey Maguire is still a working actor?

Bless you for saying that. Bless you. If we see him, be sure and say that. He’ll love you. Tell him you loved The Great Gatsby and you’ll have a friend for life, but don’t mention Spider-Man 3.

We did see Tobey later but he was too intent on traversing a particularly difficult crack.  Andrew Garfield was sitting looking at his own reflection in a dead television. Coloring in a coloring book at his feet was a child of about nine. ‘Who’s that?’ I asked the nurse.

Oh that’s Max Charles. He played Young Peter Parker in The Amazing Spider-Man. Strictly speaking he shouldn’t be here, but once his Spidey senses start tingling we can’t keep him away with a baseball bat.

In the bingo room, I was surprised to see Neil Patrick Harris. ‘Voice artist in the animated series,’ Nurse Pertite whispered.

Just then the food came in and I excused myself. The diet of the retired Spider-Men is almost entirely insect in nature and I had neither the stomache nor the inclination to witness what was to happen next. In the peaceful glades and the balmy climate of South Florida it isn’t difficult to see these former heroes at their rest. And as I passed a door i noted wistfully that it already had a name plate. Tom Holland, it read. It won’t be long now Tom, I thought. It won’t be long now.

Captain America: Civil War stars Tom Holland as Spider-Man.

 

SPIDER-MAN WILL BE IN GAME OF THRONES

WESTEROS – Following a deal between Sony and HBO, Spider-man will appear in the new season of Game of Thrones ‘because basically we want to put him everywhere’.

Marvel’s best-loved web-slinger Spider-man is to join the cast of Game of Thrones for an eagerly anticipated Season Six. Tom Holland who has taken over from Andrew Garfield as Peter Parker’s arachnid alter-ego swung into the Studio Exec bungalow to talk EXCLUSIVELY about his new role:

Hi everybody!

Hi, Tom. So what’s this about Game of Thrones? 

I was so excited when I got the gig to play Spider-man. I grew up watching Tobey Maguire and reading the comic books. Hell, I grew up watching Andrew Garfield for that matter. But the fun thing about my Spider-man is that I’m going to be in a whole bunch of films, not only Spider-man ones. The next Captain America: Civil War for instance, but also Game of Thrones.

So how did you get the Game of Thrones role and who are you going to play?

I have been a huge fan of the TV series and also of the George RR Martin books. They are fantastic. I got an opportunity to talk to George and he told me that one of the characters is actually based on Spider-man, then we ended up having long conversations about how Spider-man might fit in to the Westeros Universe. Sony were dead keen because basically money. We’re in talks to appear in Fuller House and the Walking Dead too.

I see. 

In this season a lot of characters are coming back from the dead. Partly because of the necromancer and also because of the White Walkers. And one character who died very recently is going to come back because he got bit by irradiated spider. Can you guess who? No, you can’t huh. You know nothing Studio Exec! Huh? A clue? Still no?

Game of Thrones Season 6 will drop in April. Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

 

99 HOMES – REVIEW

99 HOMES – REVIEW: Spider-Man loses his home in Ramin Bahrani’s 99 Homes and finds out that life isn’t so Amazing.

Dennis Nash (Andrew Garfield), an ordinary working stiff, lives with his son (Noah Lomax) and his mother (Laura Dern) in their small suburban home. Behind on the mortgage payments, the bank foreclose and the family are evicted from their home and left on the sidewalk. Rick Carver (a towering performance from the ever-watchable Michael Shannon), a property speculator, arrives on his doorstep with the local sheriffs to execute the eviction. The scene is played out in full, and the frustration, anger, humiliation and fear is tangible as an indifferent authority crushes people’s lives with the banality of a well-practiced routine. Without work and holed up in a motel, Nash goes looking for Carver’s crew to reclaim some stolen tools, but Carver offers him a job instead. Nash finds himself in a devil’s dilemma: can he get his own house back by helping Carver kick other people out of theirs?

Bahrani has a record of filming original stories rooted in a criminally ignored social reality. The Zac Efron melodrama At Any Price used the plight of farmers being bullied by huge agro-business as its backdrop. Here however the blend of drama and context is seamless and the acting is exceptional. Shannon with his e-cigarette glowing is Mephistopheles with a mobile phone and Garfield gives a mature and unsentimental performance as a honest young man who is sorely tempted to put aside human empathy in order to achieve his goal. Bahrani is skillful in keeping everything in balance and provides us with the kind of angry and much needed drama about the human cost behind the headlines of economic meltdown.

For more Reviews, Click Here.

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: THE BROADWAY MUSICAL

BELGIUM – Tom Six’s The Human Centipede follows in the footsteps of Billy Elliot and Spider-man to become the latest movie to be transformed into a big Broadway musical. 

With Human Centipede 3: The Final Sequence in cinemas at the moment the popularity of the digestive horror franchise has never been higher and some analysts are surprised only that it hasn’t made the move earlier. Theater critic Xavier Poulis said:

Human Centipede is an absolutely obvious choice for Broadway adaptation. It has physical movement, a strong central idea and it is genuinely moving. The team assembled are top class and I can see Human Centipede challenging the likes of Les Miserables for longevity.

Tim Rice has already written the book and Andrew Lloyd Webber is busy putting the finishing touches to what he calls ‘the sickest shit I’ve ever done.’

The first songs have leaked (never was the word more appropriate) onto the internet, with such promising titles as ‘He’s got the Whole World in his Glands’ and ‘You’ll find an End in Me’. James Purefoy will take the role of the mad scientist whose anatomical experiment has terrible consequences for Andrew Garfield, Rachel McAdams and Carey Mulligan.

An overexcited Tim Rice said:

We’ve missed in some classics, like Scott Walker’s ‘Get Behind Me’ and the evergreen favorite ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’, with some of our original songs like ‘Arse horizon’ and the fantastic post-operation ‘Stuck in the Middle with You’ which we’ve changed to ‘Smm mmmml mmw ooo’ because it’s sung by the one in the middle.

The Human Centipede Sings! is due to open early in 2016.

EVERYBODY TO PLAY SPIDER-MAN

HOLLYWOOD – It was announced today that everyone would get an opportunity to play Spider-Man in the upcoming reboot of the highly successful franchise.

Following in the footsteps of Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield, Tom Holland will be the first web-slinger front and center for the new Spider-Man film, to be followed five minutes later by Aaron Aarman, and then in alphabetical order, everyone else on the planet (with the exception of blacks and gays and women).

A Marvel spokesperson told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Listen Peter Parker is a kind of everyman figure. Or at least every white, straight man figure, ha! But you know what I mean. Yes, he has superpowers. Yes he can climb walls and swing from webs that he shoots from his wrists, but really he’s just like you or me (as long as you’re not black or gay or a woman). So we’re going to give everyone the chance to play him. This way we’ll also broaden his appeal and lord knows there are enough films to go around. We’re planning to have a new Spider-Man movie every year with a new reboot every three.

Comic book legend and cameo junkie Stan Lee gave his thumbs up to the idea in an internal memo, in which he expressed his delight at the money.

Spider-Man’s Got Talent will be released in 2016.

MARTIN SCORSESE’S FISHER KING SEQUEL: FIRST LOOK

HOLLYWOOD – Martin Scorsese’s sequel to the Terry Gilliam classic The Fisher King has just finished filming in Taiwan.

Starring Andrew Garfield in the role of Jack Lucas, a former shock jock who on inadvertently causing a mass shooting in a restaurant and falls from grace, Martin Scorsese’s film has been shooting under the strictest of secrecy. The 1991 film starred Jeff Bridges and Robin Williams as a homeless man called Parry who Jack befriends and who helps Jack put together his life by facing what he has done. Details about the new film are relatively scarce but one synopsis reveals:

Two Jesuit priests – Jack Law (Andrew Garfield) and Parry (Adam Driver) travel to 17th century Japan. Here, the Tokugawa shogunate has banned Catholicism and all foreign contact. Japanese Christians are persecuted at the hands of their own government which wishes to purge Japan of all western influence. Jack Law travels the countryside, wondering why God remains silent while His children suffer.

As can be gleaned from this short synopsis, Fisher King 2 looks like a prequel rather than a direct follow on, perhaps using the idea of the Arthurian myth of the original Fisher King to take us way back into history to one of Jack’s distant ancestors.

The Fisher King 2 will be released in 2016.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

ROLAND EMMERICH TALKS FACEBOOK DOWN MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – For most of us it was a vaguely irritating absence of a social networking site but for Roland Emmerich it was a movie idea: Facebook Down will hit screens later this year.

The 2012 director spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I’ve been wanting to make a picture like the Social Network for years, but the problem was it was all yackety yak. You really need something a bit more exciting to happen than for one rich guy to do over another rich guy and hurt their feelings. So when Facebook went down today, I thought this is it. Here I go. I’ve got Aaron Eckhart to play the terrorist Mr. MySpace, Jamie Foxx will reprise his role as President Broback Obamack. Channing Tatum is on board again as the male stripper turned head of presidential security, Mike. When this movie comes out, you’ll like it.

I certainly hope so.

No I mean you’ll like it. As in you’ll click that little thumbs up button.

Oh I get it.

Then why aren’t you laughing?

Ha. Ha ha.

The story is simple. Myspace is wracked with jealousy at the success of Jesse Eisenberg’s Facebook, so with the help of Eisenberg’s arch enemy Spider-Man (Andrew Garfield), he goes in and creates a glitch, threatening the world with no way of saying what’s on their mind. Unless they have twitter.

Facebook Down will be released Tuesday.