PATRICK STEWART AND IAN MCKELLEN TO PLAY WALDORF AND STATLER

LONDON – Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart are to play Waldorf and Statler.

X-Men enemies and men of the theatre Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen reunite as perhaps the most famous men of the theatre, Statler and Waldorf in a spin-off stand-alone live action Muppet movie called  Waldorf and Statler

Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart are to play Waldorf and Statler. Following the rejuvenating popularity of The Muppets, studio heads were casting around for ideas to cash in on what has at times been a faltering franchise. The idea to place the balcony docked curmudgeons centre stage was a stroke of inspired accountancy.ian mckellen patrick stewart

Speaking from his London dockside home, Sir Ian said he was delighted.

When Andrea [Arnold] approached me for the part of Waldorf at first I thought this has to be some sort of joke, or better still a dream. Come on pinch me. Is it? Well, no it isn’t. It’s real. And I can say that one of my greatest ambitions has been realised. After this I might well consider retirement, because it will be difficult to top. Then again Peter Jackson is planning another five films with Gandalf.   

Sir Patrick Stewart was no less effusive. 

There comes a time in every actor’s life that he goes through his little check list. Hamlet, done, Vladimir, done, Uncle Vanya, done, Dr. Xavier, done. And now has come the time to take the black marker pen and place a large tick beside Waldorf. 

But you’re playing Statler?

Am I? Oh. Well then, Statler, done. Ha ha.

Fishtank and American Honey director Andrea Arnold is more noted for her social realism, but confessed to looking forward enormously to the project.  

All that social realism stuff’s great for the festivals but 1. it really doesn’t make much coin and 2. All these bloody poor people bore me rigid. I need a bit of Mahna Mahna!

Waldorf  and Statler will be released in December, 2021. 

MICHAEL FASSBENDER IN WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS REMAKE

HOLLYWOOD – Following his new take on Ashton Kutcher’s Steve Jobs, the first poster for Michael Fassbender’s new version of the Kutcher classic What Happens in Vegas has hit the internet.

You have to admire his nerve. Michael Fassbender is making good on his promise to remake every Ashton Kutcher film with himself in the roles that many believed the Kutch had made definitively his own. The second remake What Happens in Vegas has already finished filming and a poster featuring Fassbender and co-star Cameron Diaz has already been released.  The 2008 was a critical and commercial smash firmly cementing Diaz and Kutcher in the minds of the cinema-going public as a new Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy of comedy. Although Fassbender has called co-star Cameron Diaz in to reprise her role of career girl Joy, who marries playboy Jack Fuller (Kutcher/Michael Fassbender) in a drunken stupor, director Michael Vaughan has been replaced by Fassbender favourite Andrea Arnold.

Fassbender came into the Studio Exec bungalow to talk about his obsession:

What Andrea brings to the project is a woman’s perspective and I thought this was very important. I love the way Cameron Diaz plays her role in the original and I didn’t want to change a thing about that. Neither do I want to diverge overly from Ashton’s masterful interpretation. HIs lightness of touch, his subtlety, the nuances, the line readings, his over the shoulder reaction shots. Look at the poster. Just the way he has that grin and he points at Cameron as if to say ‘I know, right!’ it is possibly the biggest challenge of my career to go up against that. At least with Steve Jobs I could pretend I was interested in the real Steve Jobs, but here it was undiluted Kutcher.

What do you bring that is different to the role?

Nothing at all. Jesus Christ, are you high? I want to imitate Ashton down to the smallest particular. The details. This is a loving reproduction, not a reinterpretation. How would I ever have the gall to do that?

What Happens in Vegas will be released in 2016.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

SOCIAL REALISM CAUSES POVERTY IN BRITAIN

BOLTON – British film directors Ken Loach, Mike Leigh, Shane Meadows, Andrea Arnold and Clio Barnard have been accused of causing poverty on a massive scale in Great Britain.

According to a new study by the University of East Anglia, the poorest members of British society are most troubled not by drug addiction, treatable disease, malnutrition or suicide, but by social realistic cinema. Prof. Cathy Newton explained:

It all began int he 1960s when a young BBC filmmaker called Ken Loach began his career and chose to tell the stories of marginalized poverty stricken members of society. He was soon joined by the likes of Mike Leigh, Shane Meadows et al. What people don’t realise is that Loach and his cronies would often cause the misery he was proposing to ‘document’, and often killed hundreds of poor people to make just one ten minute sequence. And I’m afraid the practice has become more extreme as the years have gone on.

Shane Meadows – the director of This is England – recently told French cultural magazine Chapeau:

If I turn up at a housing estate and everyone is happy, I call my gang of thugs and they come and break the windows, punch the women and spray the place with dog doings, because that is my milieu!

Andrea Arnold’s Fish Tank was a celebrated view of Broken Britain, but the director was accused of dragging poor people behind cars for sixteen miles so that they looked appropriately miserable. ‘They don’t feel it, the way we do,’ commented the director, laughing her head off. Most recently, The Selfish Giant tells the story of two working class boys stealing scrap metal. Clio Barnard the director gleefully admitted to smacking the child actors in the face with a copy of Das Kapital until they were both left utterly unaware that they had actually been educated in Eton.

Ken Loach’s new film Sex and the City 3 will be released in 2016.