HOLLYWOOD – Hot on the tails of the To Catch A Thief remake announcement, Hollywood once again proves you can’t have too much of a good thing. Paramount Studios have announced the creation of the Hitchcock Extended Universe. The next film will be a North By Northwest remake to star Ryan Reynolds and Amy Schumer. The Exec spoke with Denise Fahrtknocker, Head of PR at Paramount about the North By Northwest remake.
Denise, What Gave You The Idea To Remake Such Beloved Classics?
Money. We were sat around in our gold-lined giant hot tub in Malibu worrying that we didn’t have enough cash because it’ll be months before Tom shits out another Mission Impossible. It was then after several Martinis and lines of coke that the idea hit me. Hitchcock! We can cash in on Hitchcock.
Aren’t You Worried A North By Northwest Remake Has Little Artistic Value?
Artistic what? You talk real funny for someone who’s so fucking poor. Did you know that? Look, we don’t need artistic-whatever-the-fuck-you-said, because we got a great cast. They’re so talented and committed to the project, we think they’re going to surprise a lot of nay-sayers out there.
Who Are They?
Ryan Reynolds and Amy Schumer, that’s who. Ryan will be playing the Cary Grant role and Amy will play the Eva Marie Saint role. Sounds like dynamite, don’t it?
Who Will Play The Villains?
I’m glad you asked me that. We got Jesse Plemons in the Martin Landau role, because he’s kinda funny looking in his own way. And we got Alan Rickman playing the James Mason role. Who could be better to give us that mid-Atlantic, villainous charm? Nobody, that’s who.
But Alan Rickman Is Dead.
Yeah? Ok, fuck-it. We’ll get Gary Oldman. He’ll play any old villain as long as there’s enough green to be had. Who gives a shit.
The North By Northwest Remake Goes Into Production Shortly
HOLLYWOOD – Amy Schumer has bought the skeleton of beloved comedian, Bill Hicks, during a private auction at Christie’s.
In what was described as a ‘tense and dramatic’ exchange, Schumer outbid Dave Chappelle and walked away with the bones for the princely sum of $3.5 million.
Denis Leary, the former owner of Hicks’ corpse, said he was pleased Bill had gone to Schumer:
“I love Amy, we’re cut from the same cloth,” said Leary:
I’ve kept Bill in the lounge of my Malibu beach house for over 20 years. I figured the least I could do for the guy was to stuff him and put him on display for the macabre amusement of my friends. After all, I owe everything I have to him, including several pieces of bespoke furniture I had fashioned out of his skin.
According to an anonymous source, Schumer has a secret history of purchasing the remains of dead comedians:
Early last year she bought the heart of Gary Shandling for $800,000. I was present and it was a strange old affair. As soon as Gary passed, Amy appeared at the side of his bed with her own private team of surgeons. One hour later, she was consuming his heart during a make-shift voodoo ceremony in the corner of the room. Apparently you can only steal the comedian’s powers if the heart is still fresh.
It is not known what Amy plans to do with Hicks’ skeleton but yesterday her neighbour complained on Twitter that she could hear the “Sound of cracking bones and the smell of cooked bone marrow coming from over the fence.”
HOLLYWOOD – The story that Amy Schumer is to star in a Barbie movie is not a parody story written by us.
Amy Schumer is actually supposed to be appearing in a live action movie based on the Barbie Doll. This is a real thing and not something that we put out for shits and giggles. Hollywood’s gone so far beyond parody, the best we can do it stand still and hope they lap us. The Sony movie will feature Schumer in the role of the Mattel doll which has done so much for body image over the decades. In a way, we have to look on in admiration as Hollywood consistently comes up with ideas that we would have dismissed as too far out for us. Then again we could be wrong. The Lego Movie looked like a joke, but it turned out to be a really funny one. And intentionally too. So who’s to say?
Barbie is set to be released in 2018.
HOLLYWOOD – It was revealed today that people with vaginas can also be funny.
The release of the female led Ghostbusters reboot has taken everyone by surprise. The new film starring Kate McKinnon, Leslie Jones, Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy has been warmly received, despite a bunch of dicks trying to do down its IMDb score, because they’re … well … dicks.
Industry analyst Xavier Poulis told the Studio Exec:
This idea that people with vaginas can be funny is not actually a new thing. In the past we had some great film comediennes like Madeline Kahn, Bernadette Peters, Diane Keaton and Goldie Hawn to name but four. However, there has always been a prevailing idea in the big studios that men are funnier than women and that’s what the public want to see. But now with Tina Fey, Sarah Silverman, Amy Poehler, Amy Schumer and Melissa McCarthy consistently bringing in high end critical and commercial successes to the big screen. There needs to be a rethink.
Where does this leave people with penises?
Also we have to look at the other side of the ledger. People with penises. Penii. Okay those. Adam Sandler, Kevin Hart, Kevin James, increasingly Will Ferrell and Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Robert deNiro, James Franco, Seth Rogen… maybe it’s time to consider the idea that people with penises aren’t so equipped for comedy. Especially since the frat boy idea of gross out comedy took the ascendancy and became essentially the only comedy we see these days.
Ghostbusters is in theaters.
GREENVILLE – A taxi driver has short-changed comedian and actor Amy Schumer, the internet learned today.
Amy Schumer was in Greenville, for a show when she took a taxi from a restaurant back to her hotel. The fare was twenty seven dollars and she paid the taxi driver with a twenty dollar and a ten dollar bill and which point he drove off leaving her on the sidewalk fuming.
Writing on her Facebook page, Amy Schumer expressed her disbelief:
I can’t believe it. I was just standing there waiting for my money and with a cheery wave the thief just drove off. I have no objection to giving my change as a tip but I had not told him that I had the intention of paying a tip and he just assumed. This is like having my fingers snipped off with scissors and then someone taking a shit in my laundry basket. I know that Syria is having it bad at the moment, but seriously what happened to me was horrific by comparison.
Amy Schumer cancurrently be seen recovering from the trauma on the cover of Vanity Fair.
HOLLYWOOD – We all know that Amy Schumer is a talented comic and actor and BFF of Hunger Games star Jennifer Lawrence, but what else do we need to know?
The Studio Exec FACT Squad took a small Fantastic Voyage style submarine to find out what is really “Inside Amy Schumer”:
- Amy Schumer was born on a small island of the West African coast. Here her father performed experiments on the local animals in an attempt to make them more human. It was his actions and his grisly fate that led H.G. Wells to write “The Island of Doctor Schumer”. When Wells arrived back in his own time, the publisher insisted he change the name to “something more Frenchy”.
- Amy Schumer’s big break arrived on the comedy central quiz/reality show ‘Who’s Nuts?’, a contest in which comedians acting crazy are mixed with actually psychotics and a panel of experts have to try and tell the difference. Schumer’s schizophrenia finally paid off and she was on her way to the big time.
- Billy Joel is Amy Schumer’s grandfather and whenever Amy has a weekend free she likes to go to one of his concerts and dance on his piano, often bringing friends. This has enraged Billy Joel so much he’s written a song about it. His next single, entitled ‘I hope you break (your freakin’ neck)’.
- Trainwreck was inspired by an actual train wreck which took place in India and cost the lives of over fifty people. The script was originally going to be directed by Angelina Jolie Pitt but when Amy Schumer was cast it was decided to change the dialogue, the genre, the setting, the script and the story at which point Angelina Jolie Pitt left the project.
- Despite all the evidence to the contrary (click here), Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence sercretly hate each other, but this knowledge is buried in their deepest most secret being so even they don’t know it themselves.
For more FACTS click HERE.
HOLLYWOOD – Best buddies Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Schumer might go shopping next Tuesday, the Studio Exec has just learned.
The Lawrence/Schumer shopping trip has not been finalized by any means, but there was a flurry of text activity late last night that has Schumer/Lawrence watchers very excited. Professor Jade Tailor, head of the new Think Tank Lawrence Schumer Watch at the University of Chicago, had this to say:
This is a development certainly of the friendship. First there’s the boat trip. Then there are the gushing interviews about how they complete each other and now we hear they’re even planning on writing a film together. This is very exciting so it comes as no surprise that the two should also wish to bond with that most postmodern of activities the shopping spree.
At the moment indications are that the Hunger Games/Trainwreck shopping trip will take place in Los Angeles, probably in some of the more high end shops on Rodeo Drive, but their could be a ‘crazy jaunt’ to some of the thrift stores around West Hollywood. Although lunch is a distinct possibility and perhaps mid afternoon cocktails, there is a chance that the two will make do with coffee from a Starbucks or similar.
However, an insider from the Schumer camp told Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that the arrangements were still very tentative and not too much should be read into this.
Jen and Amy are super busy right now and so squeezing in any time at all will be something of a miracle. To get the two schedules to free up a morning is just like you know I mean wow. So what I’m saying is it might happen? But on the other hand it might not.
Meanwhile the markets in China seem to have steadied and though we cannot say that the two facts are explicitly linked, there has to be some kind of connection.
Hunger Games: Caught Fire will be released in December.
HOLLYWOOD – Three major religious leaders Jesus Christ, Mohammad and Buddha are to join Stephen Colbert for his premier week of hosting The Late Show on CBS.
Stephen Colbert said he was delighted that his tenure replacing David Letterman as host of The Late Show would get off to such an auspicious start.
I myself am a Catholic and deeply religious so to be joined by Jesus Christ will be a highlight for me. But I’m also interested in hearing the points of view of Mohammad and Buddha, who we managed to book at the last minute because he had nothing on.
What questions are you looking to ask them?
Look, I’m essentially an entertainer. When I was ‘Colbert’, I had license to be very satirical, but as myself I think I can still be entertaining but also perhaps ask some more serious and respectful questions. Particularly with Mohammad. There’s going to be very little joshing there.
How do you feel about your friend Jon Stewart also leaving his post?
I know Jon very well and have done for years. So I know that he is someone who is always eager to find new challenges. I can see him coming up with something really special. A new film or something like that. Frankly, I don’t think his stint on Fox & Friends will last very long. I see that as a kind of mouthwash before he goes on to do something else he really wants to do.
What other guests do you want to have on your show?
The first week of interfaith amazingness is going to be hard to beat, buit what I’m really looking forward to is the moment when the show just becomes a routine thing with people coming on to plug things and shoot the breeze. That kind of familiarity. It really is an amazing privilege.
Since this article was written NBC reported that Jesus, Mohammad and Buddha have been bumped for George Clooney, Amy Schumer and Elon Musk.