AN APPEAL FROM STEVEN SPIELBERG

HOLLYWOOD – Hi, my name is Steven Spielberg, director of such great films as Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Jaws, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Lincoln, War Horse, Sugarland Express, Schindler’s List, Jurassic Park, Catch Me If You Can, Saving Private Ryan, Amistad, Hook, 1941, The Color Purple, Empire of the Sun, Munich and Always.

You might also know me from my executive producer credits on ER, Falling Skies, the Transformers series and many other TV Shows and films. Oh, I also kind of directed Poltergeist, but shhhhh. 

But today I don’t want to talk to you as the director of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Tin Tin the Secret of the Unicorn and certainly not as the director of The Terminal … to tell you the truth I always try and forget that one. 

No. I’m here to talk to you as a normal human being. A simple man. Cast from your mind Jurassic Park: The Lost World and Duel. Not to mention the beguiling science fiction fairy tales A.I. and E.T. And let’s not get into my cameo role in The Blues Brothers, or those documentaries I made about the Second World War and President Obama. And what’s the point in dredging up the segment of The Twilight Zone movie and those episodes of Columbo I was involved with? I was a young man, a kid and no one knew me. It just isn’t relevant to the point I want to make and this very important issue which I would like to shine a light on today.

So PLEASE sign the petition and remember to give generously. Thank You.


Steven Spielberg

JJ ABRAMS SIGNS ON FOR SCHINDLER’S LIST 2

HOLLYWOOD – JJ Abrams‘ love for Steven Spielberg is well known – as evidenced by his Goonies like Super 8 nostalgia fest – but now he is going to take it one step further: writing and directing a sequel to the capped one’s masterpiece, Schindler’s List

We caught up with the Lost creator in his Bad Robot offices where he was prepping some films about spaceships and laser swords(?) ‘I’ve always seen Steven as my hero,’ said Abrams. ‘But I’ve always made these films which were like early Spielberg, the Spielberg of Close Encounters and ET, Raiders even. Now I want to look at the more serious side of his work.’

Don’t you think it is in bad taste to make a sequel to a film like Schindler’s List, which after all is about true events occurring in the Holocaust?

 I would think that if this was a sequel, but really it isn’t. You see what happens in Schindler’s List 2 is actually an alternative universe. Some people got on the list other people weren’t so lucky. Well in my film that’s reversed. 

But that’s horrible.

And in Steven’s version, the allies win the war and the camps are liberated, but my film will ask the question what if they didn’t and what if they weren’t.

So the Nazis…

Win, yeah. Oh and we’re going to have a lot more humor. I like to keep it light. There’s a party scene where Oscar is wining and dining the Nazis and we’re going to do it to the Beastie Boys.

Oh Christ, not ‘Sabotage’ again!

Christ. What do you take me for? No, we’re going with ‘You’ve got to Fight for your Right (to Party)’. Have some taste man. It isn’t like I’m just slavishly reproducing what has gone before.

So anything else in the pipeline?

I’m not allowed to talk about Amistad 2, so no.  

Schindler’s List 2 will be released in 2015. 

SCHINDLER’S LIST, A ‘TRUE STORY’ CLAIMS EXPERT

Famous and accomplished film director, Steven Spielberg has come under attack from Princeton University history professor Dr. Marcus Grumble who claims in his new book Copycat: How Spielberg Robbed History that the 1941 filmmaker stole the story lines of many of his most famous films from reality.
Dr. Grumble even goes so far as to claim that Oscar winning masterpiece Schindler’s List is nothing more than a copy of stuff that actually happened, but with actors pretending to be people who they are really not.
Speaking in the pipe smoke filled office in the leafy confines of frosty academia, Grumble said:

He is a very good film director and I though – when I began my book – a wholly original one. Space aliens and archaeologists whipping people, and what have you. It was to my horror that I discovered that the story behind Schindler’s List was almost entirely taken from reality and Oscar Schindler did in fact exist and save Jews etc. Spielberg even has the audacity to put the real people at the end of his film walking beside the actors. Talk about hiding in plain sight. 

Continuing his investigation, Grumble noticed also that the D-Day landings were an actual event and not a Hollywood set piece devised by Spielberg to show off his new shaky camera. Likewise, he can confirm that Lincoln is not a fictional character and did indeed emancipate the slaves.

The more I dug the more I found out what a fraud and copier Spielberg was. He makes up very little. Amistad? True event. Catch Me If You Can? True story. Munich? Actually happened. Jurassic Park? True. It’s almost as if he’s taking real life stuff, and somehow reproducing it in a dramatic form with people who pretend to be real people who really lived. Spielberg, or Steal-berg as I call him, is no more than a plagiarist of history.

Steven Spielberg refused to be interviewed thus proving everything Dr. Grumble said to be entirely true.

TARANTINO DISSES SPIELBERG’S SLAVE-OWNING ‘IT’S PLAIN WRONG!’

HOLLYWOOD – Quentin Tarantino has angrily asserted that Steven Spielberg is a disgrace to the directing profession and should have his cap taken off him and given to someone ‘who won’t lose it up his ass.’

The rant was provoked by the news which broke yesterday that Steven Spielberg has been a slave owner since the late Seventies, owning over two hundred Vietnamese slaves in a plantation in Dakota.

‘I’ve always admired Stevie,’ said Four Rooms co-director, flapping his hands in the air. ‘Always, always. Duel and 1941 oh and Always are some of the finest films I’ve ever seen. But Spielberg has been drifting to the right for years now. First of all with his Young Hitler picture Munich which I didn’t see out of protest and now the news that he actually owns slaves.’

Tarantino – who is working on his biopic of Jazz legend Django Riendhart entitled Django Unchained  – says that the slavery issue is very close to his heart. ‘I’ve always wanted to have slaves myself,’ Tarantino said. ‘Hey I’m no puritan. I understand that Spielberg wants to be able to kill people with impunity and get them to do whatever he wants. But there are limits.’

When Studio Exec challenged Tarantino about his friend Kurt Russell who is a vocal defender of slavery, the Dawn to Dusk ‘actor’ got quite irate  ‘Kurt is a great friend and an artist who I admire very much. What he does with human beings who he had bought at market with Goldie Hawn’s money is entirely his business.’

Isn’t that exactly true of Spielberg also then?

‘Yes,’ said Mr T (as he prefers to be known). ‘Yes. I suppose it is. Okay. Forget everything I just said. Let’s talk about my picture where’s the reset button on this thing.’

Django Unchained will be followed by The Hateful Eight.

STEVEN SPIELBERG: SLAVE OWNER AND HYPOCRITE

HOLLYWOOD – Film maker, Steven Spielberg has long been seen as a master storyteller and a conductor whose orchestra is the vast array of human sentiment. However, today on the eve of the release of his epic Lincoln starring Daniel Day Lewis, it has been revealed that he is also a slave owner.

The Amblin Plantation in South Dakota contains a population of over three hundred Vietnamese slaves which the 1941 director bought in the late seventies before slavery was made definitively illegal and while, according to Kate Capshaw: ‘It was all the rage’.

His first slave was Hai Ke Quan, the father of Jonathan Ke Quan who played Short Round in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom in 1984. His slaves are apparently treated humanely except for any who voice dissent about Spielberg’s role as Executive Producer on the Transformers franchise. One run away slave however spoke of having to sit through Amistad every night for a week.

‘It was like totally hypocritical,’ Ho Ak Bahn said. ‘I mean you know. Bullshit man.’

When questioned about the plantation, Spielberg responded that he had nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of. ‘These people are like children who need to be taken care of,’ he said.

Short Round was captured starred in a film and then sent aback

But isn’t this precisely the attitude that Lincoln and Amistad criticise? Studio Exec courageously was alone in asking, with a frail tremulous voice on the verge of cracking.

‘No,’ said The Sugarland Express (as he likes to be known). ‘That is a totally different kettle of fish. Mine aren’t black, so it isn’t racism.’