CLINT EASTWOOD ‘WAS A NAZI’

HOLLYWOOD – American Sniper director Clint Eastwood has been accused of being a Nazi after photographs of the young Clint dressed in a Wehrmacht uniform leaked onto the net.

The furor is only likely to add fuel to the fire of controversy currently raging around the octogenarian’s latest film and Oscar hopeful American Sniper which tells the story of a sniper who is American, but not Lee Harvey Oswald.

Documentarian and Fox News expert Michael Moore told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Clint’s films have often played with right wing ideology. Dirty Harry was called a fascist by Pauline Kael among others, and although the original film retained some ambiguity, the later manifestations were more straightforwardly right wing fantasies. Now what these photographs apparently show is Clint Eastwood dressed as a German soldier circa 1943. In other words at the height of the Nazi Reich’s power. And from this draw what you may.

However, supporters of the Every Which Way But Loose star said that the photographs actually come from a film called Where Eagles Dare, in which Clint ‘played’ a Nazi. Moore was having none of it.

That’s just hair-splitting. Whether he was a Nazi or he played a Nazi in a film the important thing surely is that the word Nazi and the words Clint Eastwood have appeared in a sentence together. And that has to be worth something. I mean, where there’s smoke, surely there has to be fire?

But surely lots of actors have played Nazis, Malcolm McDowell, Ralph Fiennes, Max Von Sydow, Tom Cruise and Christoph Waltz have all donned the uniform.

It only goes to show how bad the problem is.

Clint Eastwood has so far refused to comment, as he was busy working on his new film Triumph of the American Will. 

AMERICAN SNIPER BABY STARS IN PARANORMAL ACTIVITY: THE GHOST DIMENSION

HOLLYWOOD – American Sniper baby Jandapus Haiti is the breakout star of Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension.

Despite the fact Bradley Cooper picked up the Oscar nomination for his role as real life Navy Seal Chris Kyle, many agree that the true star of Clint Eastwood’s Iraq War drama American Sniper was actually Jandapus Haiti, the baby who stole America’s hearts and is now starring in the next installment of Paranormal Activity.

Jandapus Haiti only got the role in American Sniper at the last minute when the baby booked for the role got scarlet fever and had to go to hospital. Jandapus was luckily at hand taking part in a local voodoo ceremony – some say black magic but the difference is superficial – and was rushed to the set and into the waiting hands of Bradley Cooper, best known as Face from The A-Team.

Cooper described the scene to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

At first it freaked me out. Jandapus looks and feels like a fake baby, but he’s actually got that Benjamin Button thing, so he’s not only real, but really, in terms of lived experience, a very old man. He talks and everything. Sounds a bit like Tom Waits. He told some stories about when he was in Chile at the time of the Pinochet Coup… Man he did things, he did bad things. But you know, I’ve worked with Jennifer Lawrence on a number of occasions so I was ready for anything.

Details are sketchy about the nature of his role in Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension, but Jandapus said he was ‘looking forward to getting myself out there’:

When you look the way I look you’re going to get typecast. The American Sniper thing was a fluke. Usually I’m demon baby, or possessed child, or something more along those lines. Paranormal Activity will be a return to my typical genre but it is a much bigger stage now. I mean the things I did before were like private parties and such.

What do you knows about the story of Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension?

To begin with the title was going to be Paranormal Activity: the Infancy, which perhaps also highlights what a central role my character plays, but then they changed it to the Ghost Dimension. I’ll be Gary, the youngest member of the Hunter family. Things are going all right, but apparently there’s a demon in the house and gets who gets possessed? You got it. The good thing is as I need to do a possessed demon voice, it gives me an excuse to start smoking cigarettes again. I’ve been restricting myself to cigars lately.

Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension is currently in theaters.

OUR OSCAR PREDICTIONS

HOLLYWOOD – Just in case you haven’t noticed, the Oscars are almost upon us, which I’ll be live tweeting, but until then the Studio Exec would like to offer 5 Oscar predictions.

Here are our Five Oscar Predictions in order of likelihood:

1. Pompeii will probably not win as many awards as I have hitherto predicted.

2. The team up of Kanye West and the Beastmaster will make for an electrifying show that will be blown even further into out of space by the arrival of Hawk the Slayer, Flash, the floating head from Zardoz and the planet Krull.

3. Birdman and Boyhood will be revealed to actually be brothers. Whiplash‘s J.K. Simmons will use his acceptance speech to criticize the orchestra. The Imitation Game will come out and the Theory of Everything will be disproved.

4. American Sniper will shoot Selma in a tasteless and ill thought out montage sequence.

5. Meryl Streep will win another Oscar and Reese Witherspoon, Rosamund Pike, Patricia Arquette, Marion Coutillard, Julianne Moore and Felicity Jones will kill her on stage and eat parts of her body to try and ingest her magic charm. (Then we’ll cut to commercial).

For more Oscars CLICK HERE.

H.P. LOVECRAFT’S MOVIE REVIEWS

ARKHAM – In a new feature, the Studio Exec is proud to present esteemed horror short story writer H.P. Lovecraft and his eldritch movie review column.

Greetings.

Never in the history of mankind has an invention as insidious and powerful as the magic lantern show called cinema been allowed to perpetuate its foul secret dealings without let or hindrance on the unassuming and innocent unknowing masses of humanity. Few have endeavored to unveil the secret meanings held within its depraved offerings, lest they flee from the darkened cavern of the movie house raving and gibbering and complete stark raving insane! But I who have unveiled the mythos of Cthulhu, I who have gasped at the hidden angles of the dream house of Kadath and climbed the Mountains of Madness; I who have sat through all the Fast and Furious films, even the ones without Vin Diesel, am now willing to deliver to the world my findings, hopeful that they will serve as a warning to humanity that no one else strive to go where I have trembling gone…

Dumb and Dumber To

Harold and Lloyd return after years of exile to the light of day. Lloyd has journeyed into the cavernous depths of his own insane mind and Harold has visited him on a weekly basis and now they must once more confront a civilization they no longer understand, but now without the distraction of comedy. Bravely the filmmakers have done away with all humor and left us to regard the horror of existence in all its disturbing reality. Watch at your peril for few can regard a work such as this without finally losing their minds!

American Sniper

Not nearly racist enough. The swarthy savages, whose simpler minds and primitive appetites make them perfect disciples of the Elder Ones and their evil scheming, are dispensed of with admirable elan by the bearded fat one from The Hangover. But for why the despair?

Selma

Not enough tentacles.

Padington

The bear talks! And yet this uncanny horror is served up to humanity as a children’s film!? This malignant beast, the burning eyes of his ‘hard stare’, his horrendous maw dripping with foul gooey marmalade, far from being cuddly is more diabolical than the devil himself. An arcane horror from the darkest regions of Peru, brought to the light by the folly and hubris of the manifold pretenses of ‘science’ now stalks London, causing mayhem wherever he roams, though thankfully pursued by the ever reliable Nicole Kidman. I cheered for Miss Kidman throughout the film, but like many lone voices of reason, crying out in the wilderness of most arcane horror, she is treated with utter dripping contempt and ends the film covered in animal feces for the entertainment of fools and little fools, also known as children.

For more Reviews CLICK HERE.

NRA GETS OSCAR CATEGORY

HOLLYWOOD – The National Rifle Association (NRA) to get its own Oscar category at the upcoming Motion Picture Academy Awards.

The decision came following a marked increase in movies with firearms featuring prominently. John Wick, Taken 3 and American Sniper all use gun play as an essential element of the narrative, stated a  spokesperson for the NRA.

You can see that we’re winning the argument all across America. Guns have never been more popular or more beloved. Look at the success of American Sniper! Box office records shot to pieces. And Oscar nominations up the wahtoosie! Whereas The Lego Movie… where were the guns in that piece of shit?

But that was a kids’ film?

So what? Kids love guns and they even love to fire them.  Under proper supervision obviously. Not just stealing mom’s gun. That’d be wrong.

The category will be called ‘Most Imaginative Use of Guns in a Motion Picture’.

The nominations this year are:

John Wick

Taken 3

American Sniper

Sin City 2: A Dame to Kill For

Still Alice

For more Oscars, click here.

CLINT EASTWOOD ASSASSINATES MICHAEL MOORE

FLINT – Grizzled director, Clint Eastwood was arrested this morning for the suspected assassination of documentary film-maker Michael Moore.

“We have an 84 year old man in custody”, said Captain Brian Flanagan of the Michigan State Police:

I cannot confirm his identity but being a big fan of Unforgiven, it’s a pleasure to have such a famous celebrity incarcerated in our facility.

As word got around about Eastwood’s location, a baying mob of liberal left-wingers gathered outside of the police station:

“It was like Assault on Precinct 13” , said local restaurant owner Sal Franchesi:

Not the shitty remake with Ethan Hawke, the original. Anyway, it was scary, man. Those liberals don’t look like much but when they gather together they look like a thousand eyed monster that just escaped from Gap.

Asked if the crowd were there to avenge Michael Moore, Sal shook his head:

Nah, man. They didn’t give a damn about Michael Moore. They were there to get Eastwood for what he did to The Jersey Boys.

After two hours of the crowd repetitively singing a menacing version of  Oh what a Night, Captain Flanagan was forced to address them:

Look, I understand. My wife loved The Jersey Boys and so I took her to see the film on her birthday. It was terrible and she cried but that doesn’t mean we have the right to rip a man apart just because he makes one bad movie.

According to an eyewitness, at that point somebody from the crowd shouted, “What about Hereafter?” and Captain Flanagan turned and went back into the prison, appearing five minutes with Eastwood who he pushed towards the restless mob.

“Yeah”, said Flanagan:

I f*cking forgot about Hereafter.

AMERICAN SNIPER: REVIEW

AMERICAN SNIPER: REVIEW – Bradley Cooper’s Hangover 4 takes a dour turn as it heads off to war in Iraq.

Clint Eastwood’s Iraq war drama based on the real life story of America’s ‘deadliest sniper’ Chris Kyle and based on his memoir is a confusing and weird film. As an initial character study it resembles last year’s Dallas Buyers Club in taking an unlikely Southern character and turning him into something like a hero. We first see Kyle as a sniper deployed in Iraq. On a roof top covering the advance of a platoon of marines, he is presented with an impossible choice. A woman and her ten year old son approach the platoon with apparent intent. Does Kyle shoot them to protect the platoon, or does he renege on his duty and put the platoon at risk? Flashback to the rest of his life up until this point.

Kyle grows up with a gun in his hand and bottle fed a stern Christian based (almost Manichean) morality. There are wolves, sheep and sheep dogs, his father tells him, with his belt on the table. Kyle is thus pre-molded for when he finds his vocation in the Navy SEALs elite squad. But Cooper’s performance elevates Kyle from some brainwashed grunt. He is a chivalrous old fashioned type who falls completely for Taya (Sienna Miller), a feisty young woman who already feels she’s been around the block once too often. They marry with the second Gulf War imminent and Kyle’s deployment almost certain. And so back to shooting children.

Eastwood has created a weird film. The war scenes are compelling and work as a companion piece to Bigelow’s The Hurt Locker. As with Jeremy Renner’s character, Kyle is an expert who genuinely enjoys war as it gives him the opportunity to enact that expertise to its fullest potential. His simplistic us and them view of the world – the Iraqis are ‘savages’ who need to be exterminated –  is as narrow as you’d expect from someone who spends his life looking down a telescopic sight. Kyle is the man with the hammer who sees only nails. Whereas a friendship of sorts grew up between an Iraqi boy and the bomb disposal expert in Bigelow’s film, Kyle has little contact with the Iraqi populace short of popping them. One moment of apparent peace and civility – a meal shared in the house of  a suspect – is revealed to be a duplicitous trick.

This is not to say that the film wholeheartedly endorses Kyle’s viewpoint. His unwavering commitment to the war increasingly looks more like a symptom of PTSD or simple psychopathy than a political ethos. Or worse still, it is a self-serving justification to allow Kyle to keep killing people. His only moral quandary, his only stated doubt, is that he didn’t kill enough people and thereby save more of his own tribe. His upset at shooting a child he explains to a friend is because it was his first kill, like a man disappointed to have lost his virginity in an ugly drunken tryst.

Kyle’s entire life is defined by guns: from hunting with his dad, to Fallujah and on to hunting with his son. He even wins his wife’s affections by showing off his prowess at a funfair shooting gallery.  There’s a weird moment with his wife late on when he points a gun at her and tells her to drop her knickers – as a joke, with their kids in the next room – which might be a litmus test for how you view the protagonist and the whole film. If you see this as the good old boy charm of a happy domestic scene, you’ll read the film as a NRA approved portrait of a patriot who sacrificed his own mental well-being to protect and serve. Otherwise, you might see that the war will never end for this man, no matter where he is. And that the American in the title is a disturbing pairing with echoes of American Psycho, as if that’s what America is now, a country that kills at long range.

A final note on historical accuracy/honesty. American Sniper is open to criticism similar to that leveled at the Dallas Buyers Club. Just as McConaughey’s sexuality was straightened out by the Oscar winning film, so Kyle’s racism and his loud self-promotion is dampened down in Eastwood’s. Cooper’s Kyle is embarrassed by his legend, modest and self-effacing and as such eminently likable. In reality, Kyle wrote the book the film is based on, starred in a reality TV show, claimed to have shot looters post-Katrina and gave interviews to Bill O’Reilly et al claiming to have punched out Jesse Ventura (a case for defamation was found in the plaintive’s favor). Along with these omissions is the invention of an Iraqi sniper as a nemesis and mirror image of Kyle who is basically the Ivan Drago to Cooper’s Rocky IV.

This is a well made and intense war film. But I always felt like I was in the cinema featured in Inglourious Basterds watching the film about the Nazi sniper. Except the Nazi didn’t shoot children.

For more Reviews CLICK HERE.

BRADLEY COOPER TO MAKE AMERICAN HANGOVER

HOLLYWOOD –  Following American  Hustle and American Sniper, Bradley Cooper confirmed that his American trilogy will be concluded with American Hangover.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec, Bradley ‘The Face’ Cooper said:

I’m not exactly long in the tooth but I’d like to see this as my central acting achievement. American Hustle was about an underworld America. American Sniper is of course about America at war. And American Hangover is going to be exactly like the other Hangover movies, but with the word America in the title. We’re all very excited.

Does this have anything to do with Elvis’ American trilogy?

Yes and no. Mainly no.

What stage is the script at?

Well, we’ve photocopied the first half of Hangover 3 and we’ve just got to do the second half, cross out the title, write in the new title and we’re away.

That’s amazing.

Yeah, I know and the funniest thing about those films is that they keep paying us to do them. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that’s the only funny thing about them.

Zach Galifianakis and Ed Helms are set to return and Todd Phillips has agreed once more to direct. Philips told the Exec:

We are all committed to completing Bradley’s vision, saluting his diverse skills as an actor and money. Mainly money.

American Hangover will be released in 2016.