NEW BLAIR WITCH FILM LOOKS TERRIFYING

HOLLYWOOD – The new Blair Witch Project movie dropped its first image on the internet today and it looks terrifying.

The Blair Witch Project seems to have legs, spawning a sequel and a recent reboot. Director Adam Wingard had this to say:

The next movie in the saga will combine the usual in the woods hocus-pocus and witchcraft with Bret Easton Ellis’ American Psycho. First we looked at how the first film was received. We knew it was good, but it needed a new direction. So we started to look around for a new contemporary angle. We have a very famous cast member who is going to play the Blair Witch Psycho. I believe many will find it a genuinely terrifying experience.

The Blair Witch Psycho Project will be released in 2018.

CHRISTIAN BALE BUILDS SECRET MOUSE ARMY

HOLLYWOOD – You know him as the star of such movies as The Big Short, The Knight of Cups and Exodus: Gods and Kings, but Christian Bale has also spent the last five years building up a secret mouse army, it was revealed today.

Christian Bale, star of Rescue Dawn, The Dark Knight and American Psycho, popped in to the Studio Exec bungalow to explain revelations that broke about his 15,000 strong mouse army mustered in a secret location somewhere in Colorado.

I’ve always been fascinated by rodents in general and the possible military application an organised horde of cheese nibblers could have. Imagine if you will the desert in Syria. The terrorists are just breaking for lunch and in the distance they hear this thundering. The ground begins to tremble. But it isn’t in the distance, it’s actually really close and over the dunes arrive 15,000 mice, led by me in a chariot. I would be in my famous Berserker mode, probably quite thin for this one. And we’d just cut them to pieces.

But surely…

I thought of that. I tie tiny little razor blades to the ankles of the mice and so when they just run straight through the ISIS people it’s just blood spurt and arterial spray everywhere. The squeaking of the mice will be deafening along with the screams of dying Jihadists.

Where did you even come up with such a scheme?

Werner Herzog.

Oh that makes sense.

We are already in talks with the US military about our deployment and I would remind them that they said no boots on the ground. They didn’t say anything about tiny mice feet.

The Big Short is on general release. Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

CHRISTIAN BALE: ‘MOSES WAS A DOUCHE’

HOLLYWOOD – Ridley Scott’s new movie Exodus: Gods and Kings is almost ready to be seen (released December 12th), but star Christian Bale has already had some choice words to say about his character, the Biblical law-giver and Red Sea travel agent Moses.

The Terminator: Salvation star spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Moses was a complete douche bag. I mean one minute he was like ‘Hey, I’m Egyptian, best friends with the Pharaoh, chariots and shit’ and then next minute he says ‘I’m a Jew, let my people go’ – the pharaoh’s like, ‘who’s gonna finish the pyramid? You can’t just leave it like that’. So  Moses is like plague, plague, plague. And basically killing a shit load of people. I mean, what a complete asshole.

But he’s an important religious leader.

Yeah, right.  He’s on acid or something. He sees a burning bush and talks to God? That’s not religion. That’s just crazy. I mean I approached this film like American Psycho, but in Bible times. Oh, and he couldn’t count.

Wait. What?

Well, the ten commandments. There aren’t ten. There are eight tops.

Religious groups were quick to criticize Bale’s interpretation.

Berkshire Wrightly in his blog The God Squad wrote:

Yes. Moses did kill a lot of people. Yes, he did kill them on the basis of race and religion. Yes, he did impose a bunch of really moralistic rules on people claiming that they came from some higher power. In other words he was a perfect religious leader.

Exodus: Gods and Kings  will be released on 12 December, 2014.

STAR WARS STANDALONE: YOUNG YODA

HOLLYWOOD – The first news has come out concerning the new standalone Star Wars movie, Yoda: High School Years. Kermit has already been announced in a piece of inspired casting, as the future Jedi master.
Writer Brett Easton Ellis has leaked plot details.

Yoda is a young kid, uncertain, nervous, but with this incredible gift that he doesn’t know how to use.  He goes to Dagobah High and gets bullied and falls in love with the girl and worries about going to the Prom. 

Disney heads have denied that Mr. Ellis – the author of American Psycho – is in anyway involved with the franchise. ‘Jesus, he keeps giving himself jobs,’ said a source. ‘It’s the Fifty Shades of Grey all over again.’
However, they did confirm that the tone would be relatively light.

Oh yeah, there’ll be lots of jokes about him growing. ‘After twenty years so small I will not be’ he says a lot. Woody Allen is going to voice his father and Billy Crystal will voice the mother (I know, I know, we’ve addressed this).   

Kermit admitted he was nervous about taking on such an icon.

I know that there will be a lot of fans out there waiting for me to fail, but I’m at a stage in my career when I want to take risks. I want to break the bubble.


 Yoda: High School Years will be released in 2015.