DEPP VS HEARD MOVIE CAST

HOLLYWOOD – As the final days in the trial of the century play out, the Depp Vs Heard movie has been announced with a cast already in place. The movie will be called Turds Of Endearment. Danny Devito will play Amber Heard and Johnny Depp will be played by Charlie Day. The Exec spoke with writer, director and producer on the project Sidney Fastbuck.

Sidney, Where Did You Get The Idea for a Depp Vs Heard Movie?

In a word? TikTok. My timeline is full of their bullshit. It used to be badly edited videos of dogs jumping over pools of crocodiles. But now, it’s one or both of them pouting like their life depended on it. So I thought, if these douchebags are getting rich from those douchebags, then why can’t I?

I Assume This Is Going To Be A Comedy?

Why would you assume that? I’ve written a heartbreaking drama about love gone bad.

But Your Cast Suggests It’s An Extended It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia Episode.

It’s Always what now?

Sunny In Philadelphia. They Even Did An Episode Entitled Who Pooped The Bed.

I’ve never heard of that show in my life. If you ask me, it sounds disgusting. Who’s in it?

Your Two Leads, Danny DeVito and Charlie Day.

They never mentioned any of that to me. How weird is that? Still, it can’t be very popular if I’ve never heard of it.

It’s Ran For 15 Seasons So Far.

15? Huh. Well, it’s too late now, I’ve had the sets built. Do you know how expensive it was to recreate all the Pirates Of The Caribbean, Aquaman and Justice League sets? $440million. Just for a few shots of them in their respective careers.

Could You Not Get The Rights To Use Actual Footage From Those Movies?

Sorry, do what?

Surely It Would Have Been Far Cheaper To Just Buy The Footage Of Those Films.

Son of a bitch. I never thought of that. You’re a smart kid, y’know.

I’m 48 Years Old.

Turds Of Endearment Begins Shooting Later This Summer

JOHNNY DEPP ARRESTED FOR ASSASSINATION PLOT

HOLLYWOOD – Johnny Depp was arrested last night by the British police for plotting the assassination of President Donald Trump.

Johnny Depp is currently being held in a police cell in an undisclosed location in Great Britain awaiting extradition to the United States where he will be expected to stand trial for threatening the life of the President of the USA. If found guilty, he could face life in prison. Depp apparently revealed his plot during an appearance at the Glastonbury Festival, a three day music event deep in the English countryside. In the early hours of this morning, anti-terrorism police swooped in to capture the Jack Sparrow actor in the lounge bar of the local hotel. In a statement released by law enforcement, a spokesperson said this:

We take all assassination threats very seriously indeed. Especially of a foreign head of state. Some have suggested Depp was saying a joke but to everyone there it was obvious that he wasn’t joking in that it wasn’t funny. And jokes are funny. So answer that. Depp had a plan and even identified that the assassin would be an actor. Johnny Depp works as an actor and so we put two and two together.

Lawyers for Johnny Depp claimed that the whole thing was a big misunderstanding.

The police received a tip off from a woman who sounded like the actress from Drive Angry and The Rum Diary. They acted on this information, but we’ll clear this whole thing up soon enough. As long as Johnny doesn’t insist on paying me in cotton balls again. The whole case doesn’t make any sense. If he really wanted to do it, why would he announce it to an audience of thousands of people? In a filmed event?

However, security consultants have stated that this kind of anticipated confession represents a common tactic of double bluff. John Wilkes Booth openly spoke of assassinating Abraham Lincoln ‘as a joke’ before then actually assassinating Abraham Lincoln ‘for reals’.

On the bright side, it looks unlikely that there’ll be another Pirates of the Caribbean film in the near future.

JOHNNY DEPP DONATES 15 MILLION COTTON BALLS TO AFRICA

HOLLYWOOD – Johnny Depp today donated 15 million cotton balls to Africa.

Johnny Depp announced he had donated 15 million cotton balls to Africa ‘to help with you know famine and stuff’. The troubled actor recently surprised tourists with his appearance as Jack Sparrow in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. He told the Studio Exec:johnny depp cotton balls

I’m amazing. Charity is my first love. I can’t live in a world where some people have 15,000 cotton balls a day and while others don’t have any. That just ain’t fair. Also, I want to get involved in going to the Syrian refugees and giving them some vintage electric guitars. I’ve seen the news and some of those guys just have cheap Fender replicas. It’s heartbreaking.

The move was widely seen as a publicity stunt to distract from the actor’s legal woes. First it was his plot to fill Australia with dog disease. Then his breakup with wife Amber Heard. Now he is in what could be a costly dispute with his business managers: The Management Group’s Joel and Robert Mandel. The Edward Scissorhands actor accused them of mismanagement. But the pair have counter-accused Depp of an extravagant lifestyle, something he did little to discount in a Wall Street Journal interview. In it he stated:

It’s my money. If I want to buy 15,000 cotton balls a day, it’s my thing.

The donation is evidently part of his private stock. Which countries in Africa will specifically receive the largess is as yet unclear.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Jack Sparrow’s Legal Fees will be released in 2019.

TWO VERSION OF PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES SHOT

HOLLYWOOD – Two versions of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales have been reportedly shot.

The fifth instalment of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise – Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales – has been shot in two radically different versions, the Studio Exec has learned. Both films revolve around a desperate search for the pirate Captain Jack Sparrow by Javier Bardem’s Captain Salazar. In one version, Jack Sparrow played by Johnny Depp is found and in the other Amber Heard version, he isn’t. A source close to the production spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

It was actually fortuitous that the plot was already written around this search so it just became a matter of adding some bits to the second version and changing the ending. The studio has always thought this was a strong vehicle for Johnny but with things going the way they’re going they want some insurance, particularly as this is a family film. Should there be a video released of Johnny doing wild drunk shit, ranting about Jamie and the Magic Torch or humping the family dog, then we’ll release the non-Johnny version. However, if that doesn’t happen, then everyone will forget and we’ll get the loveable old pirate back again. And we all love Johnny, right? What do you think?

Pirates of the Caribbean will also star Orlando Bloom and will be released in 2017.

PEOPLE NOT ABUSED BY JOHNNY DEPP SAY THEY WEREN’T ABUSED BY JOHNNY DEPP

HOLLYWOOD – A number of Johnny Depp’s friends and family have come out in defense of the Pirates of the Caribbean star, saying that he never abused them.

Following the domestic violence allegations by his soon to be ex-wife Amber Heard, Johnny Depp’s friends and family are circling the wagons. His daughter Lily Rose Depp took to Instagram to defend her father and attack Heard, and former partner Vanessa Paradis has also gone on record saying that Depp is ‘the sweetest, gentlest man’. And colleagues and friends including Paul Bettany have also voiced their support via social media: Depp was the ‘sweetest, kindest, gentlest man’. Of course, all of this could be true and the trial by twitter and tabloid currently going on is repellent, but it is taking place via both sides. Comedian and Depp supporter Doug Stanhope went so far as to write a guest column for The Wrap claiming that Heard was blackmailing Depp, and working on ‘some ruse to f*ck him over’.

God knows. I wasn’t there. But  neither were any of these other people. And a lot of what they are saying is irrelevant. It’s perfectly possible for a human being to be multi-faceted. Someone who violently abuses their spouse can be ‘gentle and sweet’ to their daughters and friends and colleagues, ex-girlfriends and comedian pals. The monster of popular imagination doesn’t square with the facts. Abusive behavior might be confined to one person. That person might not necessarily be an angel – after all, who is? But the media’s attacks on Heard have brought out a whole series of accusations, bringing into play Heard’s bi-sexuality to suggest it was that which sent Depp into a jealous rage. An explanation which begins to sound dangerously like a justification.

Again I don’t know what happened. I don’t know Johnny Depp or Amber Heard. (I did send off a rash tweet when this whole thing kicked off so mea culpa for that). However, there is a chance this is not going to remain a mystery. There will be an investigation and according to Heard’s version of events there were witnesses to some of the behavior. But in the meantime it might be an idea to try to keep the noise down. Who am I kidding though? Right?

AFTER JOHNNY DEPP DIVORCE, AMBER HEARD INTRODUCES NEW PARTNER

HOLLYWOOD – Following the announcement of her divorce with Johnny Depp, Amber Heard has already been seen with a new partner.

The marriage did not last long,  but Amber Heard and Johnny Depp seem to now have definitively parted ways. However, the actress has wasted little time in introducing her new boyfriend to the world via a viral YouTube video. In it she sits side by side with her new guy, in an obvious contrast with the infamous Australian dog apology video of a month ago. Whereas in the latter Depp was a dead eyed and bloated ghoul in the new one Amber’s new flame seems full of life and frolics. Ms. Heard spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about what is going on.

For months now it hasn’t been happening between me and Johnny. Of course, I love him very much, but he was so quiet and subdued. Nothing like the man I remember falling in love with on the big screen. We tried to talk it through and Johnny said he had some ideas about how he could brighten up our lives but then he did nothing. All of a sudden though I met Matt Hatter.

Matt Hatter?

Yes. One day Johnny went out to get some cigarettes and the next minute there was a ring on the doorbell and Matt Hatter was there body popping and acting zany. It was exactly who I needed and when Matt left and then twenty minutes later Johnny came back I told him that it was time to go our separate ways.

How did he take it?

Really badly. He was really upset. And I felt sorry for him. He went into the bathroom to weep with his valise, but then – I don’t know how he got in there – Matt came out of the same bathroom and the crazy fun started again. My mind was made up at that point.

Aren’t Johnny and Matt the same person though?

You’re the second person to say that. The first was Johnny. But of course he’ll say anything to get me back.

Amber Heard and Matt Hatter will be starring in their own HBO special, a musical version of Fight Club. Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

BLACK MASS 2: DOG DAYS FIRST IMAGE OF JOHNNY DEPP

HOLLYWOOD – First image of Black Mass 2: Dog Days starring Amber Heard and Johnny Depp was released on the internet today.

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard are to star in Black Mass 2: Dog Days, the sequel to Depp’s hit crime movie which will follow the adventures of master criminal Whitey Bulger and his dogs Bullet and Pooch. Johnny Depp spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the new movie:

When we finished Black Mass I thought I’m done with this story. It ain’t nice being in Whitey’s head, but I don’t know what it is but at the moment I feel close to the criminal world and I feel like going back there and finding out what would happen.

But surely Bulger goes to prison?

We’re making this an original story. I’m writing it with Amber. Whitey escapes from prison and goes to Australia.

Australia?

Yeah, Australia and you know what he takes with him.

No.

His dogs. All of them.

But the quarantine laws are quite strict in Australia.

Oh yeah they try to stop him but Whitey isn’t a pushover. And he goes on a one man crime spree throughout Queensland. And he doesn’t ever say sorry.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

JOHNNY DEPP AND AMBER HEARD TELL AUSTRALIA TO GO F*CK ITSELF, USING ONLY THEIR EYES

HOLLYWOOD – Celebrity couple Johnny Depp and Amber Head told Australia to go f*ck itself in a very oblique way.

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard escaped a possible jail sentence after illegally taking their dogs Pistol and Boo into Queensland without observing the strict quarantine laws. Mr Depp was filming in the country when Amber Heard entered the country with her two dogs and without declaring them. At one point, the dogs were even threatened with execution. With the situation resolved, the two produced a video ostensibly expressing their respect for Australian quarantine laws and urging others to respect them.

‘Australians are warm and direct,’ Mr. Depp says, while his eyes say – ‘F*ck off you bunch of ex-convicts’.

Amber Heard talks about the unique wildlife which must be protected from the diseases from overseas. But in-between each word she inaudibly whispers, ‘The country that gave us Mel Gibson is really lecturing us? I don’t f*cking think so!’

Johnny Depp will be appearing in a remake of Gallipoli which will show it was the Australians’ fault.