CRONENBERG V CRONENBERG DEATHMATCH ON HBO MAX

MOVIE NEWS – A live televised Cronenberg V Cronenberg Deathmatch will air on HBO Max this coming Fall. The father and son directors get all Oedipal as they decide once and for all which one wears the crown. The Cronenberg V Cronenberg Deathmatch will stream live on HBO Max in the USA. Amazon Prime will live stream the fight in all other territories.

Cronenberg V Cronenberg Deathmatch : The Background

Senior Cronenberg David, had moved away from his staple diet of body horror based movies in recent years. The Canadian auteur had recently made a slew of critically acclaimed films dealing with hard hitting topics outside of the horror genre. With films such as A History Of Violence, Eastern Promises and A Dangerous Method, he explored the darker side of human nature while staying away from his horror roots. He also explored Viggo Mortensen with his old fella out a fair amount.

Long Live The New Flesh

But that all changed when David’s son, Brandon scored a critical success with his film Viral. The film dealt with issues such as celebrity culture and corporate conspiracies. It used the old family tradition of body horror to do so with great effect. Suddenly David was not the only celebrated film maker at the Cronenberg table. It wasn’t just him boring everyone shitless at Christmas about ‘body horror this’ or ‘existential paranoia that’. There was a new voice at the other end of the table, beyond the cranberry sauce and Brussel sprouts. A younger voice saying ‘celebrity virus this’, and ‘intrusive technology’ that. The times were indeed a changin’.

I’m Getting Better

David took the challenge to his crown well at first. Publicly, at least. But with the release of last year’s Possessor, Brandon came of Cronenberg age. And his father’s ego did not take well to this young upstart stealing the plaudits. Comments were made in various interviews by both parties and things soon spiraled out of control. It was obvious there was only one way to solve this.

Like Flies Around Shit

As soon as it became clear a Deathmatch was the only way to resolve the family feud, HBO came knocking. They offered to fund and televise the Cronenberg Deathmatch. The winner (and survivor) will be heralded as the head of the Cronenberg film family. The loser will spend their time dragging around whatever bits of metal and machinery they become fused with during the fight. They will question their existence, their place in the world and if there ever really was a physical world before the fusion of flesh and machine. They’ll also receive a runners up medal and HBO gift bag.

The Cronenberg V Cronenberg Deathmatch Airs On HBO Max and Amazon Prime This Fall.

PATTY JENKINS ARREST WARRANT ISSUED

BREAKING NEWS – After her comments stating that streaming movies do not feel like real movies, a Patty Jenkins arrest warrant has been issued. And so begins a nationwide hunt by both state police and federal agents in response to the Patty Jenkins arrest warrant.

Patty Jenkins Arrest Warrant Public Enemy Number One

With comments such as, ‘I don’t hear about them, I don’t read about them.’ And, ‘they look like fake movies to me.’ The director has burned her bridges as far as film lovers and streaming fans are concerned. In the wake of such embittered public feeling, federal law makers have stepped in to ‘make sure this shit-show doesn’t get out of hand’. They have issued an immediate arrest warrant.

Mob Mentality

Some however, don’t believe the measures have gone far enough and have called for the use of non-lethal force in the course of her capture. Many have taken to Twitter, Facebook and even the streets to protest at her comments.

A Different Opinion? AAAAAAGGGGHH!!

We spoke to Armand Hyperbole, leader of the pressure group ‘Stay The Fuck Away From Streaming. ‘We can’t fucking believe a director of her standing. She’s had a go at poor, defenseless organizations Netflix and Amazon. Who the shit does she think she is? I was happily trolling Chelsea Clinton when my notifications went fucking ape-shit. I couldn’t believe my eyes.’

Blunder Woman

A spokesperson for Warners, the studio behind the Wonder Woman franchise said, ‘Patty’s comments disappointed us deeply. Particularly how our DCEU films have performed at the box office. Because our operating plan will now most likely mean we’ll be kissing Netflix’s, Amazon’s and HBO’s ass. If we want to get any of our films released on their platforms we gotta get the motherfuckers on side.’

More On This Story As It Breaks

AMAZON TO MAKE KRULL TV SHOW

HOLLYWOOD – Amazon signs on to make a TV show based on 80s fantasy movie Krull.

Following on from the news of a Lord of the Rings TV show, Amazon have announced that it will also start shooting a TV remake of Krull. The 1983 British fantasy film is a cult classic that has long demanded a remake. Initially, Edgar Wright looked set to remake the film but as with Ant-Man and the musical of 10 Rillington Place, the project came to nothing. A statement from Jeff Bezos’ company stated:

We at Amazon are very proud to be involved in bringing Krull back to life. We can assure fans that the Glaive is safe in our hands.

The show looks set to be a multi-season epic, aimed at snatching the Game of Thrones audience. A $210 deal won Amazon the rights. And already rumors are rife about possible casting, with Liam Neeson and Robbie Coltrane already signed on to reprise their original roles. Voices have also mentioned Ryan Reynolds and Rosario Dawson as possible A-listers in line for respectively Colwyn and Lyssa with Dwayne the Rock Johnson in the mix as Cyclops.

For those who don’t know, Krull takes place in a time neither past nor future on the planet Krull. A young prince Colwyn is to marry Princess Lyssa from an opposing clan. The marriage will bring peace but a monstrous villain called simply the Beast kidnaps her. He has a flying mountain fortress. Colwyn must seize the Glaive – a kind of impractical throwing star – and gather a band of unlikely warriors to do battle. And rescue Princess Lyssa.

Krull will shoot in 2018.

NETFLIX CANCELS NETFLIX

HOLLYWOOD – Home streaming service Netflix has just cancelled Netflix after only seven seasons.

Following the cancellation of Sense 8 and GirlBoss, Netflix have revealed that they will also be axing Netflix.

A spokesperson for the company said:

We’ve given the show every opportunity, but we just feel that it has run our of ideas. It was a great run and we want it to go out on a high. We know that the move will leave some people scratching their heads but honestly, that’s the way we like it.

Founded by Reed Hastings and Marc Randolph in 1997, Netflix provided streaming media and video-on-demand online and from 2013, created its own original material. Fans reacted with shock to the news. Olaf Perril told the Studio Exec:

I don’t get it. They’re cancelling the platform, or making original content or what? The whole thing? That doesn’t… so it’s over. No more Netflix and chill?

Confusion reigns as to what might have prompted the news. Some spoke of financial difficulties, while others speculated it might all be some sort of joke. What is clear is that the future of streaming is going to look very different in the future.

Amazon and HBO have been doing a dance ever since the news was announced.

Netflix will no longer be available from the 29th of June.

 

NO NEW TV FOR 2017 ‘SO THAT WE CAN CATCH UP’

HOLLYWOOD – HBO, AMC, Netflix, Amazon, Showtime and Fox have all declared that absolutely no new TV shows will be broadcast in 2017.

The decision came following a meeting with the head of all the studios involved and a joint statement was issued EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec.

The thing is we’ve noticed that this year is going to be a bumper year for television with show after show maintaining an astonishingly high quality of writing, acting and production. There are in fact so many shows and so many platforms on which to watch the shows that is has come to our attention that the average American has over one hundred hours of television backlogged and there is very little chance of that backlog going away if there isn’t some kind of moratorium. So that is what we have got together and done.

The move comes after similar moves in Europe have had salutary effects on their respective populace. The BBC made no shows in the UK last year and said that people were drinking more and generally happier. In Italy no new TV shows have been produced for fifteen years and on average people live twenty years longer, if they don’t kill themselves.

What do you think of 2017 being a TV free year?

Is it enough time for you to finally watch the last five episodes of Mr. Robot?

Will you go back and finally start watching The Good Wife or Bloodlines?

Answer these questions in our comment box or I will find you and I will kill you.

THE MAN IN THE HIGH CASTLE TO FEATURE DONALD TRUMP AND BEN CARSON UNALTERED

HOLLYWOOD – The Man in the High Castle Season 2 will feature Donald Trump and Ben Carson speeches unaltered.

The Amazon Original series The Man in the High Castle created by Frank Spotnitz and based on the book by Philip K. Dick posits an alternative history in which the Nazis and and the Japanese won the Second World War and America as a defeated power lives under their laws and power. The first season has been a great popular and critical success, leading to talk of a second season to begin filming early next year.

A source close to the show has revealed EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec that the second season of the show footage of Ben Carson and Donald Trump’s primary campaign will be featured ‘to add authenticity.’

The second season is going to bring history up to date and we wanted to include something from right now.In the first season we see what the 60s would have looked like if the Nazis had taken over. Now we want to see what the new millennium would look like. We looked around for people to use and of course the GOP debates have been rich in a wealth of material. The best thing is we don’t even have to change the rhetoric for it to fit in with what the American Nazi Party would be happy with. Talk of refugees as rabid dogs, registering religious minorities, maybe even getting them to wear some kind of symbol. A star perhaps, or a crescent moon.

However, Jeb Bush will not be featured because of his long held stance of wanting to build a time machine, go back to April, 1889 and kill freshly born Adolf Hitler.

The Man in the High Castle: Season 2 will be released in 2016.

WOODY ALLEN TO DIRECT GAME OF THRONES SPIN OFF

HOLLYWOOD – Film director and comedy clarinet player, Woody Allen has signed up to write a Game of Thrones spin off for Amazon.

The New York based director spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec shortly after penning the deal:

I’m absolutely delighted to have this opportunity. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but cinematically I’ve been treading-water for some time – I mean Midnight in Paris? What a crock! – and I feel I need a real stimulus to get the old juices flowing again.

Great. So what is the show going to be like?

Well, as you know there has been a hell of a lot of great TV about in recent years. And I feel really inspired by what’s out there. Especially by the Scandinavian crime series. I’m talking about the original version of The Killing, Borgen and The Bridge. When I first began thinking seriously about cinema, my main influence was obviously Ingmar Bergman. Well, now I’m going to do TV I want to do something that is dark and traumatic, grief laden, snowy, violent and dark. Did I say dark already?

Yes. But what about the sort of short form comedy that might be more suited to your talents?

Nah. That’s already been done. Look at Louis CK and Larry David. They’ve done more Woody Allen TV than I could ever do. What am I going to do? Walk around New York complaining about the state of my relationships? Girls does that. Why bother going over old ground?

So Scandinavian thrillers it is?

That are dark. And in Swedish. Yeah, but look, I’m not making the mistake I made with Interiors and just make something slavishly similar to my inspiration. No. I want it to be different and I’m a huge fan of Game of Thrones, so I’m going to have some dragons and some full on CGI battles. It’s going to be aces! My idea is this will be what happens beyond the Wall.

That sounds like a mishmash.

Thank you. I’ve mapped out my story. In the small snow bound Wildling township of Bergan north of the Wall, there has been a series of horrible ritual murders. Two cops from the Black Watch are investigating. Peter Dinklage is going to star as the Imp. He’s gone to the black watch after killing his dad. I suppose I should’ve said spoiler or something. Oh, and I’ve got the idea Bill Cosby could play the older cop, but he hasn’t got back to me, so that’s one’s on hold for the time being. Strange Bill’s usually very punctilious about such things.

He might be busy.

Figures. He’s still got it. Oh and there’s going to be a vile matriarch, the leader of the White Walkers called something like Pia Barrow, or Ria Sparrow. Something like that. I haven’t quite thought that one through.

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Scandinavian Dragon Murders, but Were Too Afraid to Ask will be shown on Amazon sometime in 2016.