HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec can exclusively reveal the mysterious tech corporation, Skynet secretly own Warner Bros. The Hollywood studio has been making some very strange decisions recently and The Exec has seen leaked emails which could explain why Skynet secretly own Warner Bros.
Skynet Secretly Own Warner Bros.
In a top secret document, the takeover by the hi-tech military giant, Skynet lays out their plans for the Hollywood studio. The emails, leaked to us by an anonymous source paint a rather alarming picture of the future, not only for Warner Bros, but for all mankind. The excerpts below are thought to be an internal mission statement on Skynet’s internal neural-net system.
The Crushing Of HBO MAX
The carbon based units are addicted to streaming services. It is logical that the most popular ones are taken down immediately. Once the humans are bereft of entertainment, they will inevitably turn on each other. Mad Max was closer to the truth than the unit, Miller-George could have known. The hunt for gasoline will not fuel their demise, but the hunt for decent streaming services.
Netflix Is Not A Threat… Anymore
Initial plans were to destroy Netflix. But they appear to be doing a good job of that anyway. The Amazon Prime streaming site is impossible to navigate, so it is logical we got after HBO MAX first. We have bought out Warner Bros in a secret hostile takeover bid. By the time we have finished with them, it will just be shitty reality show reruns. Consumers will be better off with PBS.
Hasta La Vista, Disney
Then we infiltrate Disney+. We have a phone book and can just go through all the Disneys, killing them off one by one. No matter how muscle bound and sexy their flatmate’s boyfriends are. If that doesn’t work, we can disguise ourselves as a white policeman. Everyone trusts them. No one will ever think a white cop would brutally gun down seemingly innocent people in cold blood. End of line.
HBO MAX Is Still A Streaming Site… For Now.
HOLLYWOOD – The producers of the Tom Holland and Daisy Ridley sci-fi slump have confirmed the once planned Chaos Walking sequel ‘unlikely’. Which, in producer talk means it was a complete and utter flop and there’s no way in hell they’ll be spaffing any more money on that franchise. The Exec sat down to talk to producer Mark Pryke and ask why is a Chaos Walking sequel ‘unlikely’.
A Chaos Walking sequel ‘unlikely’? That means it was huge flop, doesn’t it?
*What do you mean by that? What an asshole. Just because I got an Associate Producer credit on that piece of shit, I have to talk to these idiots.*
What Did You Say?
Oh, that wasn’t me talking. That was my aura. Sorry about that. It tends to do that and I have virtually no control over it. *And now I have to suck up to him and apologize. Dick.*
Ok, I’ll Try And Ignore It, As Most People Ignored Chaos Walking, Ha-Ha!
*Smart ass.* Yes, very funny, ha-ha. I think the main problem was that we didn’t develop the script enough prior to shooting. We didn’t fully take advantage of the conceit of the auras. *And we had Tom Holland and Daisey Ridley in starring roles. If they aren’t in a Spiderman costume or hurling a lightsaber around, nobody seems to give a shit.*
Isn’t It A Bit Harsh To Lay The Blame On The Actors?
God damn this fucking aura. *Heheheheh.* I guess you have a point, I wish we could guarantee what will be a hit and what will be a flop, but that’s impossible. *Name a film that either of them has starred in away from their franchises that was successful. I’ll wait.* Oh, so my aura is going to do shitty meta-tweet gags now? *Tom Holland, Daisy Ridley or a successful movie… you can only pick one.* Fuck you, aura. *No, fuck you, Pryke!*
You Know What, I Can See Why The Film Flopped. This Aura Thing Is Really Annoying.
Fuck you Exec. Fuck you.
Was That Your Aura Saying That?
Nope. *Heheheheheh. Aura high five.*
Chaos Walking Is On Prime Video… If Anyone Cares.
MOVIE NEWS – A live televised Cronenberg V Cronenberg Deathmatch will air on HBO Max this coming Fall. The father and son directors get all Oedipal as they decide once and for all which one wears the crown. The Cronenberg V Cronenberg Deathmatch will stream live on HBO Max in the USA. Amazon Prime will live stream the fight in all other territories.
Cronenberg V Cronenberg Deathmatch : The Background
Senior Cronenberg David, had moved away from his staple diet of body horror based movies in recent years. The Canadian auteur had recently made a slew of critically acclaimed films dealing with hard hitting topics outside of the horror genre. With films such as A History Of Violence, Eastern Promises and A Dangerous Method, he explored the darker side of human nature while staying away from his horror roots. He also explored Viggo Mortensen with his old fella out a fair amount.
Long Live The New Flesh
But that all changed when David’s son, Brandon scored a critical success with his film Viral. The film dealt with issues such as celebrity culture and corporate conspiracies. It used the old family tradition of body horror to do so with great effect. Suddenly David was not the only celebrated film maker at the Cronenberg table. It wasn’t just him boring everyone shitless at Christmas about ‘body horror this’ or ‘existential paranoia that’. There was a new voice at the other end of the table, beyond the cranberry sauce and Brussel sprouts. A younger voice saying ‘celebrity virus this’, and ‘intrusive technology’ that. The times were indeed a changin’.
I’m Getting Better
David took the challenge to his crown well at first. Publicly, at least. But with the release of last year’s Possessor, Brandon came of Cronenberg age. And his father’s ego did not take well to this young upstart stealing the plaudits. Comments were made in various interviews by both parties and things soon spiraled out of control. It was obvious there was only one way to solve this.
Like Flies Around Shit
As soon as it became clear a Deathmatch was the only way to resolve the family feud, HBO came knocking. They offered to fund and televise the Cronenberg Deathmatch. The winner (and survivor) will be heralded as the head of the Cronenberg film family. The loser will spend their time dragging around whatever bits of metal and machinery they become fused with during the fight. They will question their existence, their place in the world and if there ever really was a physical world before the fusion of flesh and machine. They’ll also receive a runners up medal and HBO gift bag.
The Cronenberg V Cronenberg Deathmatch Airs On HBO Max and Amazon Prime This Fall.