ANDREW GARFIELD NOT NECESSARY

HOLLYWOOD – It has been revealed that Andrew Garfield is ‘not necessary’.

Andrew Garfield starred in a number of big films including The Amazing Spider-Man, Hacksaw Ridge and Silence. However, scientists revealed today that he isn’t necessary. Dr. Wilhelm Scheme told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Following a series of tests, we showed audiences versions of Garfield’s big films with him in and then other version in which we digitally removed him – Spaceying as it is now called – and we found audience didn’t notice the difference.

Does this mean he’s a bad actor?

No, not at all. You see we ran the same tests with Eddie Redmayne for instance and audiences actually preferred the versions without him. In Andrew’s case they are supremely indifferent to his presence and or absence.

Does this confirm rumors that Garfield is actually the result of a CIA experiment to produce a stealth agent?

I can’t possibly comment. But yes.

Andrew Garfield stars in Burning, Burning Cyborg in 2018.

SILENCE – REVIEW

REVIEW: SILENCE – Spider-man and Kylo Ren go to Japan to find Ra’s Ghul.

Martin Scorsese’s new film apparently took 20 years to make or more accurately he wanted to do it for twenty years or something. Anyway the adaptation of Shusaku Endo’s amazing novel is faithful, perhaps overly so. Large slabs of prose are Terrence Malicked onto the soundtrack, but at the same time Scorsese also literally renders paragraphs, often risking silliness. The story often slides towards Christian propaganda and one wonders how Mel Gibson would have dealt with it. And how critics would have looked at the film if he had.

Hacksaw Ridge actor Andrew Garfield does some more blinking as the priest who with Adam Driver goes looking for Liam Neeson and proselytize to the heathens in Japan. The persecution that follows provides a stations of the cross for the priest who enters his crisis of faith. There’s some dodgy CGI and some wonderfully inventive direction. But the ambiguity of the novel has its hand tipped with a clumsy last shot and dedication.

For more Reviews, Click Here.

EVERYBODY TO PLAY SPIDER-MAN

HOLLYWOOD – It was announced today that everyone would get an opportunity to play Spider-Man in the upcoming reboot of the highly successful franchise.

Following in the footsteps of Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield, Tom Holland will be the first web-slinger front and center for the new Spider-Man film, to be followed five minutes later by Aaron Aarman, and then in alphabetical order, everyone else on the planet (with the exception of blacks and gays and women).

A Marvel spokesperson told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Listen Peter Parker is a kind of everyman figure. Or at least every white, straight man figure, ha! But you know what I mean. Yes, he has superpowers. Yes he can climb walls and swing from webs that he shoots from his wrists, but really he’s just like you or me (as long as you’re not black or gay or a woman). So we’re going to give everyone the chance to play him. This way we’ll also broaden his appeal and lord knows there are enough films to go around. We’re planning to have a new Spider-Man movie every year with a new reboot every three.

Comic book legend and cameo junkie Stan Lee gave his thumbs up to the idea in an internal memo, in which he expressed his delight at the money.

Spider-Man’s Got Talent will be released in 2016.

NEW ALIEN FILM WILL ALSO STAR SPIDER-MAN

HOLLYWOOD – District 9 and Elysium director Neill Blomkamp confirms that his new Alien film will also feature Spider-Man.

How the ubiquitous web-slinger will be joining the Xenomorph has not yet been made clear, but Blomkamp tweeted an image which shows clearly some concept art featuring Spidey’s mask pasted over a hunter xenoform’s body, apparently from Aliens. Alien watcher Emily Zapatta said:

This is a very exciting prospect.  Neil Blomkamp is someone who obviously loves mixing up genres. The documentary style with the alien film in District 9. The good film at the beginning of Elysium with the awful one that just goes on and on with the rest of the film. So Spider-Man fighting Aliens or even being an Alien… Why Not?

 Neill Blomkamp spokes with Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I didn’t really want to put Spider-Man in my film but the fact of the matter is we’re going to be releasing it in 2017 and there is a rule that any film post 2016 has to have a Marvel character in it or it won’t be distributed. I hear Star Wars are going with The Guardians of the Galaxy.

But how is that going to make sense with the original series?

Sense? Ha! That’s not considered that important any more. Look we’re trying to get Sigourney in but apparently she’s going to have to dress as a Ghostbuster.

But how does that…?

Don’t ask! I mean, it makes me want to go and do something less morally dubious. Design and sell chemical weapons to Third World dictators.

The Amazing Alien will be released in 2017.

AMY PASCAL JOINS THE STUDIO EXEC

HOLLYWOOD – Sony Executive and email writer-strordinaire Amy Pascal has joined the Studio Exec team, expressing her relief to finally find a job ‘which is genuinely important’.

Amy took time out from her busy schedule of interviews to speak with her new employer The Studio Exec.

Frankly SE, I’m relieved. When I worked at Sony, the pressure was unbelievable. You had to work up enthusiasm for The Amazing Spider-Man 2 and pretend Seth Rogen was the new John Belushi. It was soul destroying. And then there was the constant danger of being strangled to death by Emile Hirsch.

Jesus!

Yeah. I know.

How did it feel being fired?

Of course it was upsetting at the time, but I also had a list of things I wanted to do if I left and at the top of that list it was to write for a genuinely subversive and hilarious satire blog.

Great.

Unfortunately, The Onion weren’t hiring so I came over to you.

Whoa!

I’m kidding. I kid.

Not funny, Amy.

Okay so I’m already fitting in.

Hey hurtful. Not cool.

There I go again. I thought you’d like it. Mixing it up with the boys here.

Yeah well, if we’d wanted an asshole we would have hired Scott Rudin.

Okay, okay, gotcha.

So Amy what’s your first column going to be about?

It’s going to be called Kim Jong Un is Big Fat Whiny Bitch.

Amy Pascal’s new column will be published every Sunday on www.thestudioexec.com

NEW SPIDER-MAN FILM EVERY THREE DAYS

HOLLYWOOD – Marc Webb has announced that from next year there will be a new Amazing Spider-Man film made every three days and some of them are ‘bound to be okay’. 

The director said: 

There’s a hunger for Spider-Man, a famished need. For too long Spider-Man-less days have been going coming and going and no one has done anything to solve this problem. There are countries in Africa in which thousands of children are dying every day for lack of a fresh dose of Spider-Man. Some areas are still having to make do … I’m sorry this is very hard. Some villages are having to make do with Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man 3. Oh God. The humanity!

Andrew Garfield spoke enthusiastically about developments:

When I first started out, I really wanted to be an actor, but it’s really hard. These superhero films are a complete doddle. You’re only in it for about half the scenes. The heavy lifting is done by the CGI boys. I just cash the paycheck.  

The Amazing Spider-Man 3 – 115 will be released from January 1st, 2015. 

DENIS LEARY ADMITS HE STOLE BILL HICKS’ ACT

HOLLYWOOD – On the twentieth anniversary of Bill Hicks‘ death, one time comedian and present day ‘actor’ Denis Leary finally admitted to stealing the visionary comedian’s act.

A tearful Leary telephoned the Studio Exec office early this morning:

All right, Jesus Christ, I did it, I stole Bill’s act. Now please tell me where my dog is.  

 He’s safe. Now tell us why? Why did you steal his act?

I wasn’t original. I had nothing. I saw Bill and I thought that was good. I mean he was edgy and he was funny and I loved his anger. So I thought, why not? No Cure for Cancer was just me doing Bill. I made it a bit more right wing, took out much of the real political stuff which I can’t say I ever understood. Oh and I never did his bit about people selling their souls to Satan if they do advertising. I mean I do adverts and it isn’t like I’m some soulless prick, is it now?

I liked you in Amazing Spider-Man.

Thank you. I really think that part showed my talent as a serious actor. I mean once Bill was gone, how could I continue doing stand up. There were no more jokes. I tried copying Seinfeld but it just wasn’t the shame. I mean Seinfeld without Seinfeld isn’t really funny. In fact Seinfeld with Seinfeld isn’t great shakes either.

You were friends with Bill Hicks.

Yeah, until he heard No Cure for Cancer. Then he wouldn’t speak to me. I was worried about him suing me but, well, there’s no cure for cancer. I didn’t mean that to be joke. I’m sorry. Look, I’ve told you what you want. Please can I have my dog back? Please. Hello? Hello? MIMSEY!!!!

Denis Leary is currently appearing in Ice Age 5

RIP Bill Hicks.