JAMIE FOXX’S NATIONAL ANTHEM PERFORMANCE ‘CAN CAUSE BRAIN DAMAGE’

NEVADA – The American Medical Association today released a strongly worded press release condemning the practice of Jamie Foxx singing the national anthem before major boxing matches, citing a ‘real danger that it could cause neurological damage’.

Referring to the rendition of the National Anthem given by Django Unchained actor Jamie Foxx, the AMA spokesperson told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We have two men here – Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao – who are about to start pounding each other’s faces in with their fists. The brain is already going to be traumatized as it sloshes around those bone hard skulls. But to then add to that a weird soulful Star Spangled Banner…? It just needs to be flat out Star Spangled banned. It is cruel and unusual and I fear for the brain health not only of the fighters but also the audience.

Jake Gyllenhaal was rushed to hospital after the fight, when he collapsed after complaining of dizziness and an inability to stop laughing. Who actually won the fight is still a mystery, the answer to which is probably beyond the scope and capacity of human understanding.

GREENGRASS REFUTES CAPTAIN PHILLIPS ALLEGATIONS

NEW YORK – Following a barrage of criticism from ‘anonymous crew members’, Paul Greengrass responded to the allegations currently plaguing his piracy drama Captain Phillips during a Reddit AMA.

Here is his statement in full:

I’m glad you asked that, because this is something we need to clear up. Some people have been claiming that Captain Phillips did not behave with the heroism the film portrays and there have even been claims by the website theStudioExec.com that the film inadequately shows Captain Phillips invention of the screwdriver which bears his name. Let’s deal with that first. That episode comes from a period in his life a decade prior to the incidents the film we’re making deal with. The scope of one film cannot include every aspect of what – I think you’ll agree – is an extraordinary life. As for the claim that Captain Phillips rather than being a Captain in the merchant marine off the coast of Africa, was actually the Captain of the Statten Island ferry; and rather than undergoing an ordeal of an attack by pirates, he had to deal with a group of young vandals writing on the seats with sharpies; and they weren’t from Somalia, but Elizabethtown; and he wasn’t kidnapped in a lifeboat for five days, he was swore at for five minutes. Now, I’m not going into whether any of those things are true or not. All I’m going to say is what film would you rather see. We tried to make it more dramatic and in the process changed certain geographical, chronological and actual facts, but I think most people will agree the spirit of the actual incident that ‘inspired’ the film remains intact.

Captain Phillips is currently in theatres.  

GANGSTER SQUAD LARGELY FORGOTTEN

HOLLYWOOD – It came as some relief today that the AMA declared that those unfortunate enough to have watched Gangster Squad when it was released earlier this year have – for the most part- already forgotten it.

‘The symptoms of slack mouthed drooling and bleary eyed alienation have for the most part passed,’ remarked Dr. Shuman in a 400 page report. ‘It’s almost like it never existed.’
No one was more relieved than cast member Ryan Gosling, who candidly admitted to having slept through his own performance. 

I thought the gig was up. I was blander than one of the entrees in my macrobiotic restaurant Gosling’s Guzzler Hole. But fortunately not that many people went to see it and those who did have now filled that brain space with some other inanity.

Co-star Josh Brolin also declared himself ‘happy and exhausted from the trauma’ of Reuben Fleischer’s soporific grind. He apologized to all his fan and promised not to do it again. Sean Penn was a lone voice, declaring he thought ‘it wasn’t that bad’, confirming many people’s opinion of him as an out and out fruit cake who always takes the opposite view in order to be controversial.  
We asked Dr. Shuman if there was any danger that the publication of his report ‘The Blessed Forgetfulness that Followed Gangster Squad‘ might revive memories, to which he replied:

Shit! You know, we never thought of that.  

Gangster Squad 2 will be available on pay per view.