ASK ALLY SHEEDY 3.

HOLLYWOOD – Following fellow Breakfast Club attendee Molly Ringwald‘s success over at The Guardian, we’ve recruited Ally Sheedy as our agony aunt and consultant on all things emotional, psychological and financial.

Reader Jeb Bush writes:

Hello Alexandra, please bear with me, for the past…3 years I’ve been subjected to a rather unusual degree of distress to the point where I would like to just combust into ashes. You see the thing is, I’ve been worrying about an old friend who…went off to become an actress and I have lost all contact with her. I have never been so confused in my entire life. I worry because I feel as though she may be susceptible to being taken advantage of by these…greedy, sleazy Don King types, these “accountants”, “lawyers” and “business graduates”. I can’t tell from my couch as to what she is doing, who she is getting involved with, what she is going through, what she has seen, if her and most importantly what she has been exposed to. My greatest fear is whether or not her heart has been corrupted in any sort of way. Or if she went insane and became some kind of evil sociopath.

Okay. Buy a bottle wine. Sits down. Drink a glass. Now get out your phone. And phone your friend. If she doesn’t answer, have a glass of wine. If she does answer, celebrate and have a glass of wine. Hell, finish the bottle. The thing you have to understand is that actresses are essentially extremely tough people. They have to be. They get so much shit on a daily basis and only the very top of the pile get anything like the compensation they deserve.  And even then you can’t really envy them their lives. Look at Renée Zellwegger. Is there any money that is going to be compensation for the kind of degrading bullsh*t she’s been put through? And before you tell me, she chose to have work done, take a second to walk in her shoes and be subject to the kind of scrutiny and criticism she was getting on a daily basis. I’ll never forget what Judd Nelson told me when we were filming The Breakfast Club. He said, ‘In some ways you are not only the greatest actress ever, Ally, you’re wiser than Buddha.’ I can’t argue with that.

If you have any questions to put to Ally just leave them in the question box below and she’ll get back to you.

ASK ALLY SHEEDY 2.

HOLLYWOOD – Following fellow Breakfast Club attendee Molly Ringwald‘s success over at The Guardian, we’ve recruited Ally Sheedy as our agony aunt and consultant on all things emotional, psychological and financial.

Reader Ruth Philips wrote:

I’m very bored at work and home lately. I’m too old to hang in bars and too young to hang at the senior center. What fun things can I do? I am a 49 year old who has a school bus driver job and do not have to work full time, yay!
I have hit the gym, and the women are pretty snobby. Well, hope you have interesting stuff I could try so I don’t end up staring at the fire dept guys when I just take my dog out walkin. Husband is now home most of the time.

Ally Sheedy writes:

Hey RUTH!

I wrote that in CAPS LOCK because I’m shouting at you. Yeah, girl this is like a wake up call. First up, you are NEVER too old to hang out in bars. You never when we were young and we’d hang out in bars and there’d be that sad character, an old gal weeping into her umpteenth gin sling? Well, she was old right? And all she ever did was hang out in bars. That could be you. But as for the Senior Center, you’re right. Avoid. Even when you’re old.

Okay. You said about hitting the gym. Also not a good move. That’ll just lead to longevity. And no one wants that. And I sympathize with the fact your husband is home more often. The secret of a good marriage is to see each other as little as possible.

But it seems to me your solution is staring you in the face. ‘Fire Department Guys!’ There you go. Between those fellas, and getting wrecked at the bar, get yourself an electric toothbrush and you’re away.

As Molly Ringwald always used to say to me while we were filming The Breakfast Club: ‘You’re a much better actress than me Ally. You’re more beautiful and way more talented!’ So use what you’ve got.

If you too have a problem and wish to seek Ally’s advice, please leave your questions as a comment in the box below.

ASK ALLY SHEEDY

HOLLYWOOD – Ally Sheedy has joined Molly Ringwald her fellow Breakfast Club alumni in offering our readers the benefits of her advice as the new Studio Exec advice aunt.

Dear Ali,

Whenever I go to the supermarket I always end up buying a lot of stuff I don’t need and forgetting essential items such as sugar, milk, toilet rolls and M&Ms. I’ve talked with close friends and they’ve told me that I should write a ‘shopping list’, but I’m not sure if I’m ready to commit to such behavior. And if I did, I’m not even sure if I really know how to. Please help me Ally.

Yours Affectionately

Tasha

Hi Tasha,

Listen. Shopping lists are for people who like table manners and correct minor points of grammar and probably secretly hate Jews. F*ck those assholes! What is the problem here is not your so-called ‘memory’, but something much more basic and interesting. You refuse to buy into the corporate model so good for you. Plus the strip lighting that can be found in most big stores is really distracting. If I were you, I’d wear shades, but black ones, wrap around, think of Lou Reed circa Velvet Underground. Or Mo Tucker. That chick rocked. Mo Tucker drummed standing up. Do you think she wrote shopping lists? no. She forgot the milk and she invented punk.

 

If you have a problem for Ally pop it in the comment box below and she’ll get back to you.

EDWARD SNOWDEN LANDS LEAD IN WARGAMES 2

HONG KONG – Edward J. Snowden, heroic whistleblower/traitor,  has landed the lead role in Disney’s forthcoming WarGames 2: Electric Boogaloo, a sequel to the 1983 John Badhem directed movie which gave Matthew Broderick and the threat of geeks to the world.

The film will also represent a return to fiction cinema for director Michael Moore after his previous unhappy disaster Canadian Bacon actually killed people it was so unfunny.

Moore told the Studio Exec:

I’m a great admirer of Edward Snowden and what he managed to do with computers and stuff against the dark and powerful machinations of the secret government, and at the same time, I was in a meeting with all these Disney suits and we were talking about a sequel to Bowling for Columbine, but then one of them mentioned the WarGames 2 property and it clicked. Computers, geeks, taking over the world, the world in crisis! The military! Amazing. And Snowden would be perfect.

Why cast a non-actor like Mr. Snowden?

Originally they were looking at Julian Assange, but chances are he’d be in Ecuador by the time we actually got to filming and Edward was in Hong Kong so I phoned him and he said, ‘I’ve got nothing better to do’, which is exactly what you want to hear as a director.

What about the story Mikey? 

The story is about David Lightman (Snowden), a computer geek who manages to tap into the computers of the CIA, the NSA and Kayne West. He publishes all the material and gets into loads of trouble and there are chases and what not. However, when Ally Sheedy (playing Jennifer Mack once more), who now works for the government realises what has been going on, she rescues David and he is celebrated as a hero.

Do you think that’s what will happen to Edward Snowden?

Are you kidding? We’re rushing through preproduction to get to filming before Edward is killed in a [uses finger quotes here] car accident.

WarGames 2: Electric Boogaloo will start filming under secret conditions in the Hong Kong Hilton, room 125.