PLEASE STOP USING JOHN DENVER

HOLLYWOOD – Movies have been asked to please stop using John Denver as some sort of cultural touchstone.

The world is asking Movies to stop using Coloradoan guitar picker John Denver as some kind of easy way of winning semi-ironic cheese points. When Ben Wheatley referenced Annie’s Song in Free Fire, it felt like a witty throwback, but since then works by John Denver have appeared in Alien: Covenant, Baby Driver and most recently Kingsmen: The Golden Circle.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, the World had this to say:

At first it was kind of a nostalgic buzz. Take Me Home Country Roads, Annie’s Song and Rocky Mountain Mountain High are all great songs and the innocence of the production bespeaks happier times. But placing them in frequently gruesome or inappropriate contexts is getting old fast. Look, sure I have bigger fish to fry. My emotional weather is messed up and I’m actually melting in some places. But this is kind of getting to be a cliche and I want it to stop. If you really need to counterpoint something in a postmodern way, just pick someone else. I mean, who’s Don McLean? Chopped liver?

Ben Wheatley, Edgar Wright, Matthew Vaughn and Ridley Scott have all refused to comment.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER’S FLUTE ALBUM A MASSIVE HIT IN GERMANY

BERLIN – Michael Fassbender hits number one on all German charts with his collection of flute music.

Michael Fassbender is one of the world’s most promising young actors. In films such as Fishtank, Hunger and Shame he has shown himself a startling performer and more recently with Alien: Covenant, someone who can make a move into the mainstream. So it might come as a surprise that in Germany Michael Fassbender is known primarily as a flautist. Gustav Bok, secretary of the Fassbender Flaut Uber Alles club told the Studio Exec: fassbender

Of course Michael is part German so that suggests perhaps why we Germans love him so much. But obviously it is the flute playing which is the most important thing. Michael has a wonderful pair of lips and he purses them just so. Making for the sweetest sound. And his lungs! Boy does this guy have the lungs. Many of our members don’t even realise he is an actor. They go to his concerts and buy his CDs and music. Many only went to Alien: Covenant because Michael plays the flute in it.

Fassbender’s flute antics also landed him a big role with a Hollywood director. Quentin Tarantino tells the story:

I was in Germany on a tour with a film and I was watching television and there was this massive flute concert and I didn’t even realise that fluting was so big in Germany. And I don’t mean like a flute and an orchestra. This is just one guy and a flute and he’s up there for three hours. It’s unbelievable. Magical even. And I thought I haev to have this guy. It was only when we were actually on set and filming Inglourious Basterds that this guy could actually speak English as well.

Michael Fassbender’s Flute Favorites is available on iTunes.

JAMES FRANCO IN TALKS FOR ALIEN SEQUEL

HOLLYWOOD – Stand out Alien: Covenant star James Franco is in talks to return in a possible sequel.

Alien: Covenant has its problems. However, everyone believes that James Franco stood out as the best thing in it. Good news. It looks like he will be back for the sequel. James came round to the Studio Exec bungalow to discuss a possible follow up.

I was so happy to play a small role in Alien. I’ve loved the franchise my whole life so it was a dream come true to be there. Ridley Scott and I talked for hours about the role. Even though I don’t play a major part we worked out this back story and all these ideas. Now with the great reviews coming in, we got on the phone and started talking how to bring Captain Branson back.

So this will be a prequel?

No. Ridley talked me out of that idea. He’s done prequels already and he didn’t have a happy experience. No, this is going to follow on directly from Alien: Covenant.

But didn’t Captain Branson die?

What do you actually see though? Is it possible that was a hologram? Is it possible that Branson was actually a synthetic and another copy of him is lurking on board?

Wow. Is that the way this is going?

I don’t know. Just saying, these are all possibilities.

Alien: Branson’s Pickle will be released in 2018.

5 THINGS WRONG WITH ALIEN: COVENANT

HOLLYWOOD – Alien: Covenant is out and I tried to like it but in space no one can hear your eyes roll.

With Alien: Covenant, Ridley Scott has made a film that’s a bit better than the last bad film he made. Warning: there are SPOILERS.

Continue reading “5 THINGS WRONG WITH ALIEN: COVENANT”

PROMETHEUS SEQUEL ‘JUST A JOKE’ SAYS RIDLEY SCOTT.

LONDON – Ridley Scott has finally confessed that his upcoming sequel to Prometheus is an elaborate hoax.

“I’m just making it for shits and giggles”, said Scott.

I had great fun making the original, I got a bunch of rich people to give me a lot of money to piss all over the Alien franchise. I remember having a drink with Paul W.S. Anderson after he screened Alien vs. Predator and we were sipping champagne and laughing about how terrible it was. He bet me that I couldn’t make something worse and I got really close with the first film, but let me tell you, the sequel is going to be so bad the fans are going to lynch me. Well, they won’t actually lynch me they’ll just bitch and moan on twitter and convince themselves that somebody gives a tuppenny f*ck about their pathetic whining.

Scott went on to say that he’s trying out a new directing technique during the production:

I’m turning up drunk every day and just sitting in my chair and pointing. Sometimes I point left , sometimes I point right and sometimes I point left and right at the same time and nobody knows where the f*ck they should stand. It’s hysterical. Last week I made Michael Fassbender fight a Walrus. It was never going to be in the finished movie but I just wanted to see him fight one.

Scott said he’s having such a good time he’s already working on a third movie tentatively titled Prometheus 3: Back in the Habit.

It’s about a Xenomorph that goes undercover at a convent disguised as a Nun. Every time I think about making it, a little bit of wee comes out.

Prometheus 2 AKA Alien: Covenant is due in 2017

CIA DENIES EXISTENCE OF PROJECT PROMETHEUS

LANGLEY – The CIA have issued a statement declaring that recently released documents on the WikiLeaks site are a fabrication.

“There is no Project Prometheus,” said a CIA spokesman.

These fake documents are an obvious attempt to undermine the integrity of the United States and we are currently undertaking an investigation into who provided these files to WikiLeaks.

The existence of Project Prometheus has been debated on the internet since 2012 when an anonymous individual posted the following message on the notorious 4Chan message board:

My name is Abu Ahmed. For the last six months I have been held in a CIA detention facility somewhere in the Yemen. On my first day I was taken into a screening room showing the Ridley Scott movie, Prometheus. At first I thought this was a kind gesture but after an hour, I realised I was being tortured and by the time the credits rolled, I was ready to confess to anything.

Over the next few years similar posts appeared on various message boards describing this new interrogation technique. One post in particular sent shockwaves throughout social media:

I heard about one guy that was forced to watch the deleted scenes. They say he hasn’t stopped screaming in three years.

Former war correspondent, John Pilger, condemned the senseless torture but he did admit that it was proving to be an effective tool against the war on terror:

I’ve spoken to several people on the ground in Syria and they are convinced that as soon as the Prometheus sequel hits cinemas, ISIS are going to throw down their weapons and run away.

Alien: Covenant is due 2017