MARK ZUCKERBERG ANNOUNCES DAVID FINCHER BIOPIC


SAN FRANSCICO – Mark Zuckerberg – the creator of Facebook and the billionaire subject of The Social Network – is to write, direct and produce a motion picture of his own based on the life of David Fincher entitled The Director of the Social Network.

We met Mark in a small café. He wore a casual set of PJs with a bathrobe thrown loosely around his shoulders and a pair of Louis Vuitton flip flops on his feet. He sits down unobtrusively, making room on a nearby seat for his pillow pet, Ralph.

So Mark, a film about the life of David Fincher. Tell us more.

Yeah, well. The fact of the matter is I saw The Social Network and I thought, yeah… You know. Like. But then as time went round I thought maybe unfriend. Maybe. And then I thought what if I did what he did but did it about him. So that’s how I thought of The Director of The Social Network.

Who is going to play Fincher?

I wanted to at first. Me. I thought Mark Zuckerberg: actor, director, producer, billionaire, big game hunter. But then I thought wait a minute. Phew. Wait. Wait. And I called Jesse Eisenberg and he said ‘yeah okay’ and that was it. I didn’t think it’d be so easy. So I had my Fincher.

What’s the story?

At first I was going to do a film about the whole of his career. The Madonna videos and Return of the Jedi and Alien 3, but then I thought, nah. He didn’t do the bit where I get my first bicycle. So I’m going to concentrate on him directing The Social Network. And he’s gonna be arguing with Brett Ratner (Armie Hammer) who claims that he directed The Social Network and David Fincher is gonna say ‘If you could’ve directed The Social Network, you would have directed The Social Network, Brett’. And Bret is just gonna eat shrimp and shut up.

Are you friends with David Fincher?

That’s the end of the film. Fincher asks for my friendship. He’s looking really sad and needy. Like a lonely nerd head and you know do I give him my friendship. Well, you’ll have to see the film.

The Director of the Social Network starts filming next month.

CHARLES DANCE: ‘YES, I MURDERED FOR FUN’

COPENHAGEN – Veteran stage, TV and film actor Charles Dance admitted in an interview with Danish bacon magazine Swine that, in his early days at Hollywood, he would regularly murder strangers for fun.

“This was the early 80s, and there was something exciting in the air,” Dance told Swine journalist Bogdon Hergwitz. “I was young and I’d just finished The Jewel in the Crown mini-series for the BBC. My agent sent me out to Hollywood and I got work in Plenty, The Golden Child and White Mischief. I was riding high and I got into a fast crowd and yes, some people got murdered.”

Among the gang were other British actors Julian Sands, Rupert Everett and Alan Rickman. The best thing in Alien 3 said:

We would typically go round to someone’s house for drinks and then out to a restaurant for dinner, after which we would pick a stranger at random and murder them. We never bothered with alibis or disguises, or even avoiding witnesses. Everyone knew we were doing it, but when the police interviewed us they would find our English accents so charming they’d let us off with a warning.

Over the years it is estimated that the Jolly Bastards – as they called themselves – murdered over 50 people. Mr Dance, who returns to our screens soon as the Lannister patriarch in Game of Thrones:

In all honesty, we lost count. I remember Julian kept a scrapbook and Rupert collected fingers, but both of them got muddled so I don’t know. It all came to an end when Hugh Grant joined the group. His excesses were so vile it made us all take a long hard look at ourselves and we didn’t like what we saw. So we stopped. 

Do you regret your actions? The lives you cut short?

No, absolutely not, it was fun. Why should I regret it?

Game of Thrones Season 4 is currently filming and will involve a rich harvest of naked breasts.  

DAVID FINCHER LAUNCHES KICKSTARTER CAMPAIGN TO BUY HOUSE IN MALIBU



MALIBU – Famed pop music video director David Fincher has launched a Kickstarter campaign to buy himself a house in Malibu. 


“I have a house in Beverly Hills and a nice apartment on Central Park West in New York, but I’d like a house in Malibu” the Alien 3 director explained. “There’s one I have my eye on, but it’s 27 million dollars, which is quite a lot, so I thought I’d launch this campaign so everyone who wants to can contribute to buying me a mansion.”

But don’t you have enough money to just buy it yourself?

Oh hell yes, I’m stinking rich. But thing I’ve found is if I spend the money – like if I buy a house or a car – then that money is kind of gone. I can’t use it again. This way, if we raise enough money, I get the house and then I get to keep my money and use it for other shit.

Fincher’s career began when he shot a ground breaking video for Frankie Goes to Hollywood or someone, and went on to scale epic heights with such classics as Panic Room and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Having run out of ideas, Fincher now prefers to steal ideas from Scandinavian film makers, and spend his time laughing at the misfortunes of others.