GEORGE LUCAS ANNOUNCES TOMB RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK IS GO

HOLLYWOOD – Lara Croft and Indiana Jones meet in a Tomb Raider movie to come.

Today George Lucas confirmed that Lara Croft and Indiana Jones will meet in a new Tomb Raider film, following the debut of Alicia Vikander in the role of the video game hero. Lucas spoke excitedly with the Studio Exec, spraying bits of Pringles everywhere.

Alicia is just amazing and Harrison is getting on. So the idea is we have them team up. Harrison does the cerebral stuff and Alicia kicks ass and gets into scrapes.

How does Steven Spielberg feel about this?

I’m going to be taking the chair for this one.

You’re directing it?

Yes. I don’t want to. I want to do small art films. But I can hear all the people after Force Awakens and Last Jedi shouting from behind the fence: ‘Come back George! Show these bozos how it’s done!’

What’s the story?

Indiana Jones finds out that the Ark of the Covenant has been stolen and he is the only one who can get it back. But – importantly – he has a bad back. And that’s where Lara comes in. She has some daddy issues, so she takes to Indy straight away.

This sounds..

Great! I know.

Tomb Raiders of the Lost Ark is filming right now.

THE ARTIST REMAKE WILL BE IN COLOR AND A TALKIE SAYS DIRECTOR KEVIN COSTNER

HOLLYWOOD – Kevin Costner to remake 2011 Oscar winning comedy The Artist in color and sound.

The Artist is a lovingly recreated pastiche of the silent movie era. Written, directed, and co-edited by Michel Hazanavicius and starring Jean Dujardin and Bérénice Bejo, the original film won hearts and awards and then sunk without trace never to be seen again. No one watched The Artist after 2012.

Kevin Costner however has decided to direct a remake, starring Matt Damon and Alicia Vikander.

We want to make the film because it was a very funny movie about making movies and there aren’t enough funny films about making movies.

But you’re making it in color?

Yes, exactly. When I saw the film originally I thought there was something up with my television. First of all, it was in black and white. I tried to adjust my set. I went through all the menus but it made no difference. Then someone told me that was how it was supposed to be. Oh and the volume on my television also didn’t seem to work.

But it is supposed to be silent.

Yes, well, that’s stupid. Who wants to go and see a silent black and white movie? This film remember won loads of awards. Tons. Just imagine how many awards our remake is going to win when everyone sees that it is in color and we can actually hear the characters speak!

It’s supposed to be a tribute to the great movies of the Twenties! A loving recreation of the golden age of cinema!

Yeah. Screw all that. I made Dances with Wolves. Was it in black and white? No! Could you hear me speak when I spoke? Yes! So there.

The Artist will be released in 2020.

CHRIS PRATT TO PLAY THE NEW LARA CROFT

HOLLYWOOD – Popular video game heroine from the 1990s Lara Croft originally played by Angelina Jolie is to be revived in a new film of Tomb Raider starring Chris Pratt as the pneumatic adventurer.

Chris Pratt has confirmed that he will be playing Lara Croft in a new film starring the Tomb Raider.

Chris Pratt spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the new film:

Initially, Alicia Vikander was tapped to play the role but following the success of the casting of Tilda Swinton as the Ancient One and the girl power Ghostbusters, the filmmakers thought they would go with a revolutionary new choice. Me! I was great in Jurassic World and fantastic in Guardians of the Galaxy and so Lara Croft was like a slam dunk with my affable way.

Director Roar Uthaug told the Studio Exec, ‘We’re really pleased to have Chris. Originally, we were thinking of Daisy Ridley and Alicia Vikander. They’re great, they’re women, and the British accent wouldn’t be a problem, but Chris took a piece of shit like Jurassic World and made that baby fly.’

Lara Croft will be released in 2018.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

 

THE DANISH GIRL – REVIEW

THE DANISH GIRL – REVIEW: Oscar winner Eddie Redmayne plays Oscar -worthy role in timely Oscar-friendly transgender period drama The Danish Girl.

Einar Wegener (Redmayne) is a moderately successful Oscar winning landscape painter obsessively painting the same childhood vista: a bog, a line of trees, the mountains beyond, which represent the Oscar he might win. His wife Gerda (Alicia Vikander doing a fine impression of Oscar-winner Kate Winslett) is a modern type who paints portraits and smokes cigarettes in her cigarette holder. Einar likes to dress up as a lady and the two go to a ball with Einar pretending to be Gerda’s country cousin Lili. He bats his eyelids and simpers and goes all a-fluster when Ben Whishaw tries to snog him. And so Einmar begins his pioneering journey from male to female avoiding the oppressive bigotry of the time, the wicked machinations of pseudo psychiatry and finding some allies along the way, not least of all his initially suspicious but ultimately supportive and loving wife.  Oscar Winner Tom Hooper makes everything look like a painting you might see on the top of a box of chocolates and the costumes and make up are dribbled over and should easily secure Oscar nominations, vital as they are to the narrative.

So what’s wrong with it? First of all Eddie Redmayne isn’t actually that good. The performance like the film is all one tone – a luscious weepiness that bravely smiles through the tears. And his Lili presents not as a woman, the woman he is convinced that he has always been, but rather as a bad transvestite’s version of a woman – forever teetering on the verge of tears, shy glances, sulky pouts and fluttering eyelashes.Although the film is undoubtedly to be welcomed as timely etc., the fact of the matter is that the visibility and to a large degree public acceptance of transgender identity has possibly overtaken the movie, making its hand-holding as it plays through the issues a little bit patronizing. Having said that, it will do well at the Oscars.

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