AFTER JOHNNY DEPP DIVORCE, AMBER HEARD INTRODUCES NEW PARTNER

HOLLYWOOD – Following the announcement of her divorce with Johnny Depp, Amber Heard has already been seen with a new partner.

The marriage did not last long,  but Amber Heard and Johnny Depp seem to now have definitively parted ways. However, the actress has wasted little time in introducing her new boyfriend to the world via a viral YouTube video. In it she sits side by side with her new guy, in an obvious contrast with the infamous Australian dog apology video of a month ago. Whereas in the latter Depp was a dead eyed and bloated ghoul in the new one Amber’s new flame seems full of life and frolics. Ms. Heard spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about what is going on.

For months now it hasn’t been happening between me and Johnny. Of course, I love him very much, but he was so quiet and subdued. Nothing like the man I remember falling in love with on the big screen. We tried to talk it through and Johnny said he had some ideas about how he could brighten up our lives but then he did nothing. All of a sudden though I met Matt Hatter.

Matt Hatter?

Yes. One day Johnny went out to get some cigarettes and the next minute there was a ring on the doorbell and Matt Hatter was there body popping and acting zany. It was exactly who I needed and when Matt left and then twenty minutes later Johnny came back I told him that it was time to go our separate ways.

How did he take it?

Really badly. He was really upset. And I felt sorry for him. He went into the bathroom to weep with his valise, but then – I don’t know how he got in there – Matt came out of the same bathroom and the crazy fun started again. My mind was made up at that point.

Aren’t Johnny and Matt the same person though?

You’re the second person to say that. The first was Johnny. But of course he’ll say anything to get me back.

Amber Heard and Matt Hatter will be starring in their own HBO special, a musical version of Fight Club. Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

JOHNNY DEPP HAS AN UNRECOGNIZABILITY CLAUSE

HOLLYWOOD – Johnny Depp has an unrecognizability clause in his contract, it was revealed today.

Noted children’s entertainer and one time actor Johnny Depp has a special ‘unrecognizability clause’ in his contract which states:

Johnny Depp (hereafter the ARTIST) must be made up and costumed in such a way as to make reviewers and critics write something along the lines of ‘Johnny Depp is unrecognizable in the role’. This must be done no matter how distracting the make up and costume might be to the story and the ARTIST must be allowed to go home in the costume and visit hospitals, children’s parties etc.

Although insiders tell the Studio Exec that this part of the contract is not always enforced, Depp insists that it is always present should he feel the urge. Black Mass, Alice Through the Looking Glass, The Lone Ranger, the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise and Tusk all fell victim to the clause.

The most recent film in which the clause was not enforced – Transcendence – was largely seen as a flop and has only hardened Depp’s insistence on being unrecognizable. However, legal expert Morty Penn told the Exec that the clause has very little validity.

You see, the problem is once you become known for appearing unrecognizable then it’s precisely your ostentatious disguise which makes you so obviously you. It becomes your trademark.

Tim Burton, Johnny Depp’s best friend and many believe his enabler, says that he believes Depp’s method is due to his childhood:

When you’re a child you want to dress up and pretend to be someone else. That is in what essence acting is. And that is what Johnny does. And he does it well. He tries to go away and do something else – like the Rum Diary – but then he comes back to me weeping and begging me to put a ton of make up on him and dress him up as a banana or something.

Alice Through the Looking Glass will be released in 2016.

BURTON CRASHES DEPP WEDDING

LA – Eccentric director, Tim Burton has been remanded in custody by the LA police after he crashed Johnny Depp’s wedding to Amber Heard.

“It was quite the scene”, said photographer Ed Shmuck:

Amber was walking down the aisle when a visibly drunk Burton appeared from nowhere and hit her over the back of the head with a chair. He was immediately restrained by a few members of Johnny’s entourage but Tim fought back. He broke one guys nose with an impressive roundhouse kick and then he produced a pair of nunchuks and all hell broke loose.

According to Shmuck, Burton was eventually subdued and began screaming and foaming at the mouth:

He shouted over to Johnny “YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME YOU BASTARD!” and “YOU COMPLETE ME!” It was only when Amber picked herself up from the floor and kicked him unconscious did the terrible wailing stop.

Both Depp and Heard were unavailable for comment but Burton’s ex-wife Helena Bonham Carter told The Studio Exec that she wasn’t at all surprised:

“There were three of us in that marriage, so it was a bit crowded”, said Carter:

Johnny has tried to distance himself so Tim took up Kung Fu to take his mind of it. I knew it would all end in tears and I’m just relived he never brandished his ninja stars.

Asked if the incident would lead to the Alice in Wonderland sequel being shelved, Carter sighed:

Well, we can only f*cking hope so.