JOHNNY DEPP HAS AN UNRECOGNIZABILITY CLAUSE

HOLLYWOOD – Johnny Depp has an unrecognizability clause in his contract, it was revealed today.

Noted children’s entertainer and one time actor Johnny Depp has a special ‘unrecognizability clause’ in his contract which states:

Johnny Depp (hereafter the ARTIST) must be made up and costumed in such a way as to make reviewers and critics write something along the lines of ‘Johnny Depp is unrecognizable in the role’. This must be done no matter how distracting the make up and costume might be to the story and the ARTIST must be allowed to go home in the costume and visit hospitals, children’s parties etc.

Although insiders tell the Studio Exec that this part of the contract is not always enforced, Depp insists that it is always present should he feel the urge. Black Mass, Alice Through the Looking Glass, The Lone Ranger, the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise and Tusk all fell victim to the clause.

The most recent film in which the clause was not enforced – Transcendence – was largely seen as a flop and has only hardened Depp’s insistence on being unrecognizable. However, legal expert Morty Penn told the Exec that the clause has very little validity.

You see, the problem is once you become known for appearing unrecognizable then it’s precisely your ostentatious disguise which makes you so obviously you. It becomes your trademark.

Tim Burton, Johnny Depp’s best friend and many believe his enabler, says that he believes Depp’s method is due to his childhood:

When you’re a child you want to dress up and pretend to be someone else. That is in what essence acting is. And that is what Johnny does. And he does it well. He tries to go away and do something else – like the Rum Diary – but then he comes back to me weeping and begging me to put a ton of make up on him and dress him up as a banana or something.

Alice Through the Looking Glass will be released in 2016.

ARMIE HAMMER ARRESTED IN PLOT TO KILL JOHNNY DEPP

Poster thief

COLORADO – The showbiz world was reeling tonight when police unveiled an attempted murder of Johnny Depp by his erstwhile Lone Ranger co-star Armie Hammer

“I’m not the co-star,” Hammer yelled as he was shoved into a police car. “I’m the star!”


Hammer immediately confessed under police questioning after he was found loitering outside Johnny Depp’s Colorado ranch with a crossbow and expensive photographic equipment. Apparently the Social Network co-stars had been infuriated by Depp’s appearance in the publicity material accompanying the release of The Lone Ranger.

“It’s called The Lone Ranger,” Hammer reasoned. “It’s not called Tonto.” Hammer apparently was set to kill Depp and then make a poster of his crime.

Also arrested were Orlando Bloom and Mia Wasikowska. The famously foul-mouthed Ms. Wasikowska complained bitterly, “I was fucking Alice and the film was called Alice in Wonderland, but who gets on the poster: that asshole, lick-ass piece of shit, Depp.”

And another
Johnny Depp hatching plans


Bloom believed he was to be the star of Pirates of the Caribbean only to be told in no uncertain terms by Depp, “They all think that. And then by the fourth film, boom. You’re toast.”

Bloom was released as – even though he was found at the scene and had given a full and frank confession – the police chief said, “He just wasn’t convincing.”

JOHNNY DEPP RUSHED TO HOSPITAL AFTER ACCIDENTALLY WATCHING HIS OWN FILMS

HOLLYWOOD – It was a quiet evening at the Depp household as Johnny Depp – eccentric actor and nut sack – sat back to enjoy some Football he had recorded earlier. However, either he’d been confused with his programming or the machine had a glitch because instead of settling down to the Sunday Ticket Depp was treated to a film about ‘some doofus paedophile running a candy factory’.

When he complained loudly about it being absolute bullshit an exasperated friend – Elmer Abelard – told him it was actually Charlie and the Chocolate Factory a film directed by his best friend Tim Burton and starring none other than Johnny Depp.

The news came as a terrible shock to Depp as the Dark Shadows actor famously made a point of never watching his films because – as he told David Letterman on the Late Show – it interferes with ‘the process and stuff’. He had always assumed they were fairly decent because they seemed popular enough but now he was struck with a terrible doubt.
Elmer Abelard continues:

We tried to stop him but he insisted. He pulled out all the DVDs that we had and began watching them back to back. Often fast forwarding to his own performance. He watched the Pirates of the Caribbean films, Alice in Wonderland, all the Tim Burton stuff he’s been doing. By the time he finished On Strange Tides he was just gibbering like a crazy person and was unresponsive, so we called the paramedics. 

At St. Clementine’s Hospital of the Sacred Sack Depp was treated for a severe case of shock. ‘He went into a catatonic shut down – which was pretty much identical to his performance in Jim Jarmusch’s Dead Man. Ha ha ha!’ said Dr. Alvarez, glibly. ‘He’s just lying there at the moment. He whispered something to the nurse about being a children’s entertainer but that’s all we got out of him.’

JOHNNY DEPP RUSHED TO HOSPITAL AFTER ACCIDENTALLY WATCHING HIS OWN FILMS



HOLLYWOOD – It was a quiet evening at the Depp household as Johnny Depp – eccentric actor and nut sack – sat back to enjoy some Football he had recorded earlier. However, either he’d been confused with his programming or the machine had a glitch because instead of settling down to the Sunday Ticket Depp was treated to a film about ‘some doofus paedophile running a candy factory’. When he complained loudly about it being absolute bullshit an exasperated friend – Elmer Abelard – told him it was actually Charlie and the Chocolate Factory a film directed by his best friend Tim Burton and starring none other than Johnny Depp.


The news came as a terrible shock to Depp as the Dark Shadows actor famously made a point of never watching his films because – as he told David Letterman on the Late Show – it interferes with ‘the process and stuff’. He had always assumed they were fairly decent because they seemed popular enough but now he was struck with a terrible doubt.
Elmer Abelard continues:

We tried to stop him but he insisted. He pulled out all the DVDs that we had and began watching them back to back. Often fast forwarding to his own performance. He watched the Pirates of the Caribbean films, Alice in Wonderland, all the Tim Burton stuff he’s been doing. By the time he finished On Strange Tides he was just gibbering like a crazy person and was unresponsive, so we called the paramedics. 

At St. Clementine’s Hospital of the Sacred Sack Depp was treated for a severe case of shock. ‘He went into a catatonic shut down – which was pretty much identical to his performance in Jim Jarmusch’s Dead Man. Ha ha ha!’ said Dr. Alvarez, glibly. ‘He’s just lying there at the moment. He whispered something to the nurse about being a children’s entertainer but that’s all we got out of him.’