OLIVER STONE NEW JFK THEORY: OSWALD DID IT!

DALLAS – Snowden film director, conspiracy theorist and eyebrow pioneer, Oliver Stone has a new theory regarding the assassination of John F. Kennedy and it’s crazy! 

The JFK director phoned the Studio Exec early this morning, careful to disguise his voice:

For years, I’ve been convinced that President John Kennedy was shot by someone shooting from the direction of the grassy knoll. Possibly, two shooters. On the Zapruder footage, the head clearly goes back and to the left. Back and to the left! And given the speed of the car and the direction it was travelling through Dealey Plaza, that seemed like the only logical conclusion. However it has come to my attention that there was also a man in the Book Depository Building which had a clear view of the square and a marksman, someone trained in the marines for instance, could have taken the kill shot from there. And what is more damning is the nature of that building. A ‘Book’ depository building? Books? in Dallas, Texas? I don’t think so.

I think we…

Now, it so happens a man was arrested and quite conveniently shot the following day, before he could fully confess. That man’s name I’ve learned was Lee Harvey Oswald. So I asked myself could this be the man who shot John F. Kennedy?

But…

Of course, I couldn’t be sure, but then I got a photograph of Oswald and he is the spitting image of Gary Oldman. That sealed the deal. 

But this is the accepted official version of events.

Exactly. It’s reverse psychology, you see. They know I’m always onto them. So they give me the truth knowing that I’ll head off arm in arm with Kevin Costner to dig up any species of bullshit and discredit myself and my friends, when all along the real conspiracy was right there in front of me all the time. You have to hand it to Richard Nixon, the Mafia, Cuban right wingers and the CIA, they almost got away with it this time.

Oliver Stone will be revealing a JFK: the Director’s Cut in 2017, as soon as he has completed his three week version of Alexander: the Seriously This Is It Cut.  

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 27. COLIN FARRELL

DUBLIN – No living actor can lay claim to so many duff movies as Colin Farrell, with the occasional glimmer of gold amongst the dross (In Bruges), but now redemption holds out a hand in the form of a role in the second season of True Detective.

I met Colin over a breakfast of poached Guinness, two slices of Guinness, two rashers of Guinness fried in cow’s Guinness, all washed down with a couple of large mugs of piping hot Guinness to talk to him about his ‘career’.

So Colin. Total Recall. What the f*ck?

Yeah. Sorry about that. You know, I think what it was was… 

And Alexander?

Now that was all Oliver Stone’s fault, the hairy eye-browed bastard told me…

And Phone Booth, and S.W.A.T., and The New World, and…

Now listen here I was good in Saving Mr. Banks.

You were awful in Saving Mr. Banks. And you were basically playing yourself.

In Bruges, Minority Report, Seven Psychopaths?

But that makes me even more angry. If you can be good, why be so bad so often? 

My heart isn’t in it, I suppose. Hasn’t been since Ballykissangel. Did you ever see Ballykissangel? It was the True Detective of gentle Irish dramedy.

Okay. True Detective

Ah, True Detective. The Ballykissangel of gritty philosophically inclined serial killer drama. 

Is it? 

I spoke with Nic Pizzolatto and he told me that he thinks I’m ready for my version of the McConaissance. Really? Yeah. We haven’t worked out what to call it yet, but I’m leaning towards the re-Farrell-birth.

True Detective: Season 2 broadcasts in 2015. For more Breakfast with Assholes Click Here.

OPRAH WINFREY ADOPTS ANGELINA JOLIE

HOLLYWOOD – This morning, Oprah Winfrey announced she has adopted Angelina Jolie as her daughter. Angelina will now go by the name of Angelina Winfrey.

Under conditions of strictest secrecy, the adoption process began early last year and was formalised in a short civic ceremony this morning in Los Angeles.
Brad Pitt attended along with a few close friends and thirty seven of Jolie’s own adopted children. The other forty one were unable to attend as they were finishing their homework. Colin Farrell – who Brad and Angelina adopted while they were working together on Alexander – also attended and wept like a child, often covering his face with a large polka dotted handkerchief.

wept like a ponce


Oprah said she was delighted to welcome Angelina into her family and that they would be living together from now on and doing lots of mom-daughter things such as baking cup cakes and screaming at each other about ‘not understanding’ and life being ‘so unfair’.

Jon Voigt – Angelina Winfrey’s estranged father – said that the adoption did not come as a surprise.

SPECIAL COLLECTOR’S EDITION COLLECTOR: ERNIE SPANK

Spank
Collector’s Edition

LONDON – Ernie Spank is the Special Collector’s Edition collector extraordinaire. And this is his DVD/Blu-Ray Collector’s Edition Interview with interactive menu and TV spots. Read it!
Ernie, when did you start collecting collector’s editions?

Well, Chad I suppose it was round about Gladiator or the Phantom Menace, or maybe it was Starship Troopers. The point was at that point DVDs were just beginning to become really popular and I had nothing to live for. My wife and children had all died and I was self-harming. And then I saw it: the Collector’s Edition of Snake Eyes. The single disc edition was pitiful. Special features were the interactive menu and scene selection. I wanted a commentary and a behind the scenes feature-ette.

So what happened next?

I just bought everything that said ‘Collector’s Edition’, because you know I was a collector and so if I saw on the packaging the words ‘Collector’s Edition’, I thought, that’s for me, specifically. If it had said, ‘Family Murderer’s edition’, I probably would have done the same. Or ‘hears voices in his head promising to reward murder with colourful lights and choral music edition’.

 Who is your favourite director?

I love Ridley Scott. It’s almost as if that man makes films crap on purpose so he can have the biggest run up to the Special Collector’s Edition market. And then he lets rip with two disc, three disc, back to two disc and then four disc with the Japanese cut including eye gouging scene. That guy is the only director working who seems to think the DVD release is more important than the theatrical. Bless you Ridley!


And what is your most cherished disc?

I’d have to say the first Alexander by Oliver Stone. Because you buy the official Special Collector’s Edition and you think I’ve got it. The commentary, the docs. Trailers. The lot. And then he pulls out a director’s cut. Not much on this but you know. And then before the dollars are even cold in his wallet BANG Definitive Final Edition, motherfucker! To be followed by another edition. This guy has stones man. This guy made World Trade Center and he still goes around calling himself a director. Kudos.

OLIVER STONE ANNOUNCES LAST TEMPTATION OF JESUS CALIGULA CHRIST

NEW YORK – Oliver Stone says he wants to take a break from controversy and make a quiet little character piece, as he announces the start of preproduction on The Last Temptation of Jesus Caligula Christ.

The new film stars Colin Farrell who Stone says agreed to do the film ‘for two pints of Guinness and a packet of cigarettes’.

‘I drove him down to one pint,’ Stone chuckled an avuncular chuckle. ‘Colin isn’t that much in demand any more, not after Alexander.’

The film takes as its premise the theory forwarded by Roland Emmerich that Jesus Christ and the Roman emperor Caligula, famous for having sex with his sister and making his horse a senator, were actually the same person. Stone says: ‘I wanted to back away from controversy and here’s a small film telling a very simple story about how the leader and inspiration of a world religion could perhaps actually have been an incestuous psychopath.’

Oliver Stone has partly financed the film by mortgaging his trademark eyebrows.

The Last Temptation of Jesus Caligula Christ will be due out in 2015.