UNIVERSAL SAY DARK UNIVERSE WILL GO AHEAD

HOLLYWOOD – With the Dark Universe in trouble, Universal issue a statement confirming the franchise will go ahead.

The Universal franchise – ‘The Dark Universe’ – is in trouble. Creative heads Alex Kurtzman and Chris Morgan have left – Kurtzman to work on Star Trek Discovery and Morgan to wash his hair – leaving the franchise very much in doubt. The Tom Cruise vehicle The Mummy tanked at the Box Office earlier this year, leading to rumors that the whole project was in trouble. However, today a spokesperson at Universal issued the following statement EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

Although there have been some personnel changes on our creative team, The Dark Universe is to go ahead with a series of films based on iconic monsters from Universal’s cinematic legacy. However, certain changes are going to take place. First of all, The Invisible Man – starring Johnny Depp – will actually be an Invisible Film. The first kind of film ever to be shot with this 0D ground breaking technology, people won’t be able to see it anywhere.

Did you say 0D?

Yes, it’s like 3D, but you know 3 less.

Okay.

The new Frankenstein film will just be a mash up of all the other Frankenstein films. And colorized. Javier Bardem will do the narration.

Right.

Russell Crowe stars in Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in a new definition of terror.

This sounds good. 

We’re changing the film into a musical and Crowe will be singing all the way through.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

I knew you’d like that. We’re just worried about the certificate.

Universal will release the Dark Universe on Monday.

NEW STAR TREK TO FOCUS ON TRIBBLES

HOLLYWOOD – CBS announced today that the reboot of Star Trek will focus entirely on Tribbles.

The news that Star Trek is to boldly go where it’s already been was received with delight by the internet and the Studio Exec was able to sit down with Alex Kurtzman to discuss the project.

So Alex what can you tell us about the new series?

It will be out in the Fall of 2017 and it will feature totally new characters and worlds, but the main characters will all be Tribbles.

These are the little furry things?

Yeah, exactly. They’re basically a metaphor for Catholics in that they just reproduce all the time with no sense of restraint or contraception. But now time has passed and the Tribbles have reached a higher consciousness and they can communicate and this is going to be like House of Cards, full of intrigue and dirty strange sex.

Wow! Who is going to play the Tribbles?

We have Jack Black as the leader of the Tribbles, James Franco and Winona Ryder both want to be Tribbles as well, and Benicio Del Toro wants to be a Klingon, and then we’re in talks to land Bryan Cranston as everyone’s favorite Vulcan. He’s the one character we want to bring back.

Star Trek: Into Tribbles will be broadcast in the Fall of 2017.