NICK OFFERMAN DAMAGES EYES ON ALEX GARLAND’S DEVS

HOLLYWOOD – Nick Offerman has damaged his eyes on Alex Garland’s Devs.

Alex Garland’s new mind bending sci-fi TV series, Devs marks a more dramatic departure for Nick Offerman, who found fame as Ron Swanson, the loveable libertarian in Parks And Rec.

Nick Offerman plays Genius-Entrepreneur-Station-Wagon-Driving-Grieving-Insane-Tech-Giant, Forest, who spends most of Devs staring intensely at large screens from a short distance away. As our parents warned us, this damages your eyes.

‘The demands on my eyes during the shoot were insane’, said the actor. ‘Alex (Garland) demanded I start staring in my trailer while they were setting up the shot. By the time cameras started to roll, my eyeballs were ready to drop out of my head. But Alex didn’t care, he just kept shouting at me not to blink and sound as serious as I could. It was terrifying. I go to sleep and have nightmares about staring, which is horrible, because that’s only time I can close my eyes.’

‘My corneas have basically dried completely up. They have the same texture as a Cat’s tongue. They scratch the inside of my eyelids when I close my eyes. It’s like permanently looking through frosted glass. I now view life through a bathroom window. I wouldn’t have minded but I didn’t understand what I was doing or saying most of the time I was on set. It was all jibber-jabber to me. I just put my serious voice on and stared as hard as I could. I’m told it looks pretty awesome. So I guess that’s something.’

Alex Garland’s representatives have advised they have no comment to make on behalf of Mr Garland.

Devs is available on the BBC iPlayer in the UK.

DANNY BOYLE DEVELOPING THE RUNNING DEAD FOR HBO

HOLLYWOOD – The Zombie Apocalypse is almost upon us but this time in a television war of Zombie dramas, with HBO going head to head with the AMC show The Walking Dead, an producing a Danny Boyle created rival entitled The Running Dead

A HBO exec spoke to Studio Exec on strict conditions of anonymity:

This show is not just a great big f*ck you to AMC [said Michael Lumbardo], it’s also going to be an exciting piece of boundary pushing television. But it is going to be a big f*ck you to AMC as well.

Danny Boyle said he was delighted at the opportunity to go back into the zombie world he’d created with 28 Days Later.

Me and Alex [Garland] made a breakthrough by making the zombies… well, less zombie-ish. The Walking Dead is okay, but the zombies are slow and people have to trip up or find themselves in an enclosed space. I’ve been talking to two sponsors – Nike and Red Bull – and we’re going to use that product placement as inspiration.   

Mr. Boyle was cagey about the details and nothing seems to have been decided in terms of casting though Ewan MacGregor has been rumored for the lead role. However Boyle reacted with a guffaw at the idea of re-teaming with the Shallow Grave and Trainspotting star.

‘We could cast Ewan’s post-me career as one of the undead,’ he chortled cruelly but truly. 

The Running Dead is due to air in the Fall of 2018. 

HUGH LAURIE TO PLAY JUDGE DREDD IN NETFLIX SERIES

HOLLYWOOD – Doctor House actor Hugh Laurie is to play Judge Dredd in a new Netflix show based on the popular British comics character.

‘I am the Law!’ yelled Gregory House actor Hugh Laurie as he was presented as the new chin of Judge Dredd in a new Netflix show featuring the character. Season One of the show simply called Dredd will feature an older Dredd as shown in the latest adventures of the Mega-City One lawman.

Laurie spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I am absolutely flabbergasted at this opportunity. It is something I’ve dreamed of since I first began reading 2000 AD as a young man in England. Dredd is an iconic figure and I’m hoping to bring a slightly more mature vision to the character. I certainly feel I have his acerbic mordant wit off pat.

Dredd has appeared twice as a cinematic role, once played by Sylvester Stallone in the appalling Judge Dredd and Karl Urban in Alex Garland’s more successful Dredd. However, director Garland who will be involved with the Netflix show said that they wanted to try a different direction:

It was important to us that Dredd the TV show was different from the movies even if it exists in the same world as the movie we made. We also want some continuity with Danny Cannon’s Judge Dredd so we are getting Rob Schneider to come in to be Dredd’s comic relief again.

Dredd will be dropped sometime in 2017.

DREDD TO BE A HBO TV SHOW

HOLLYWOOD – It’s the news all 2000 AD fans have been waiting for – HBO are going to be making a TV series based on the cult comic strip character Judge Dredd.

Created by Pat Mills, Carlos Ezquerra and John Wagner, Judge Dredd is a futuristic Dirty Harry, who motors around the post-Apocalyptic Mega-City One as judge, jury and executioner of the teeming city.

We spoke to a source close to the production.

This is going to be a great show. We have so many stories that we can do and they’re all basically coming from the pages of 2000 AD the cult British comic that started it all.

So what inspired you to make the show now?

We saw the movie. We thought it was great. Really exciting and it had a lot of stuff visually that looked interesting. We just thought that it also felt like an episode of a television show. It’s hard to give Judge Dredd one big story. He’s a cop and essentially the show will be a procedural, but one set int he future and with plenty of violence.

Will anyone from the movie be involved in the production?

I wish. No, I think Danny Cannon has gone on to other things now and Sylvester Stallone is a bit too old for the role. But we’re hoping to recreate the spirit of the movie and we do have Rob Schneider signed up to reprise his role as Herman ‘Fergee’ Ferguson. He was so f*cking funny! What a guy!

But surely the Dredd movie with Karl Urban was better?

There was another movie? Wow! That sounds great but no, I cannot believe that it was as good as the Danny Cannon version. What I loved about that film was how brave they were to get Dredd to take his helmet off and develop his warmer side. That was the genius and that’s what we hope to do.

His human side?

Sure, he has to fall in love. Otherwise how we going to jimmy all the sexposition into the show?

Judge Dredd will be broadcast in 2017.

CHARLES DICKENS’ SCREEN-WRITING RULEBOOK

LONDON – It was the best of films; it was the worst of films – that was my opinion of Danny Boyle’s Sunshine, but for why? For why? In a word, or if you’ll allow myself, Charles Dickens, a tired old Victorian novelist, an excess of the prescribed proverbial minimum, then in several words: the Ruddy Screenplay Messrs Boyle and Garland!

The late introduction of a preposterous villain, the insupportable shift of tone, the grinding abandonment of interesting premises and believable characters all showed a lack of rigour in the art of composition and so to avoid such future crimes to the eyes I have endeavoured with my small fund of knowledge to communicate to future generations these golden immutable rules of storytelling for the edification of the moving pictogram business.

  1. Names: names are all important and yet the execrable Jack Reacher, John McClaine even James Bond are all bland beyond the credence of even the most supine of spectators. Imagine if Jack Reacher had been entitled Jacob Recksnifflewick; how much more exciting would the Die Hard series (execrable title but I digress) have been had Bruce Willis played New York police officer Jonathan Piggleturd or imagine in the private magic lantern of your brain how the world of divertimento would be enlivened if 007 muttered ‘the name’s Bond, Jazandapus Bond.’ If anyone proffers the argument that these names are not realistic I would ask them to explain their point in person to my best friend Augustus Egg.
  2. The Three Act structure:  There has been so much hogwash, piffle-cakes and poppycock written about this concept that it makes one tug at one’s fore whiskers until they smart. So let us be clear. It is not a THREE act structure but a Thirty Seven Chapter structure that works so well. Read Bleak House, read Great Expectations, read The Pickwick Papers and you will see this rule in perfect action.
  3. Humor: Yes, I’m looking at you Herr. Haneke. Humor is an important ingredient in writing popular entertainment of any kind, be it light theatre, newspaper sketches or long, long novels. Be sure and put in plenty of jokes. Wake the blighters up with some blarney about a missing pound note or a drunken ombudsman.
  4. Kill a child: We’re all a sentimental lot and love a good cry. Nothing works so well as a beautiful innocent child dying of some undefined disease which starts off as the merest of coughs. You’ll have them eating out of the palm of your hand. Breathlessly asking after Little Nell as if she were a real person and not the invention of genius.

Well, I hope I have been of some modest assistance. If you have more need of me feel free to address your enquiries to the comments box below.