ALEC BALDWIN DIES IN FLAMES WHEN CELEBRITY ROAST MALFUNCTIONS

HOLLYWOOD – Alec Baldwin engulfed in a ball of fire at Celebrity Roast.

Actor and celebrity parking space puncher Alec Baldwin disappeared in a sheet of flame when a special effect on his celebrity roast malfunctioned. The stench of roasting human hair and flesh filled the studio as the audience of celebrities and well wishers cheered and applauded, ignorant of the fire that was even then literally roasting the Glengarry Glen Ross star to death.

Robert de Niro who was sat close by told the Studio Exec:

It was … wow. I mean… that was this heat. Incredible heat. Of course, human fat is highly flammable and Alec was never slender. Boom he went up and that hair lacquer he always uses. Boom.

Despite Alec’s untimely conflagration Comedy Central declared the boradcast a hit with some of there best figures of the season.

Jim Carrey will be roasted alive next.

BILL STILLER SENTENCED TO THREE YEARS IN PRISON

NEW YORK – A judge sentenced Ben Stiller to three years in prison.

Ben Stiller – star of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty and Zoolander 2 – will start a three year prison sentence in March, 2019. This follows sentencing in New York on multiple charges. A court found Mr Stiller guilty of tax evasion and campaign finance violations. The sentence however was relatively light due to cooperation with the office of Special Prosecutor Robert De Niro. Although not named in court, ‘individual 1’ is a veiled reference to Alec Baldwin, president since 2016.

Mr. Stiller’s lawyer Owen Wilson told the Studio Exec:

My client has come out of a tunnel. We thought nothing could be darker than when he did Cable Guy, but this was an even harder time for Mr. Stiller. Now, however, we are ready once Mr. De Niro has finished his investigation to tell the truth about Baldwin and all his crimes.

Alec Baldwin has so far been uncharacteristically quiet on Twitter, but earlier had called out his former lawyer as a ‘weak man’ who was ‘only good in The Royal Tenenbaums and nothing else.’

Meanwhile the De Niro investigation continues and many close to the special prosecutor’s office say that he is now very interested in talking to anyone involved in what is being called the car parking conspiracy.

The case will continue in 2019.

ALEC BALDWIN PUNCHES HIMSELF IN THE FACE

HOLLYWOOD – Alec Baldwin taken to hospital this morning after punching himself in the face.

Star of 30 Rock and Glenn Gary Glen Ross, Alec Baldwin punched himself in the face this morning after mistaking himself for an intruder.  The actor spoke from his hospital bed EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

First thing, I woke up a bit bleary eyed this morning. Then I lurched to the bathroom to you  know deliver the liquid gold to the big white cup and there’s this guy in the middle of the room staring at me. He had the kind of faces that needs punching, but I knew I had to be calm. So I yelled at him at the top of my lungs. And he started yelling at exactly the same time. I took a swing but the floor was slippery and I swung round and hit myself right in the face, busting my nose.

Ow!

I know. A Niagara of blood. So I level a quick left at him followed by the old Baldwin roundhouse and BOOM both of the hit me, one in the throat and one in the ear. Turned out I was fighting with my own reflection in the full length bathroom mirror.

Jesus. How dumb!

Whatdaya mean dumb? C’m’ere!

Alec, careful you’ll…

Ow. Owie. Ow.

Alec Baldwin will next be seen in Creed 3.

LIAM NEESON AND ALEC BALDWIN SOLVE WOMEN

HOLLYWOOD – Liam Neeson and Alec Baldwin have stepped in and solved women.

The world breathed a sigh of relief last night after news broken that Liam Neeson and Alec Baldwin had got together and solved women.

Alec Baldwin spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

It was looking a bit tricky back there. Lots of people were wondering how it was going to pan out. There’s the #MeToo movement and then there’s also #TimesUp. And what’s going on with Kevin Spacey and Woody Allen and Aziz Anzari. Luckily though I had a big think about it and I worked it all out.

Liam Neeson added:

Women are very complicated creatures. Some would say they’re deadlier than the male. But statistics actually prove that isn’t the case. It’s a myth.

What qualifies you to solve women?

LN: I have a particular set of skills.

AB: I was good on 30 Rock. And I’ve played Donald Trump to huge acclaim.

But that isn’t…?

LN: I was Zeus for crying out loud. Of course I can do it. I commanded a battleship in that film… what was it?

AB: Battleship?

LN: The A Team I think it was.

Is there a risk that a pair of privileged white men talking about this issue lack authority?

LN: You have to ask why are we privileged?

AB: Maybe we know something you don’t know.

LN: I, for instance, have a particular set of skills.

You keep saying that. But aren’t you worried people will think you are condescending? Maybe even misogynistic?

AB: How can I be misogynistic? I love women.

LN: When my daughter — DAUGHTER — was kidnapped, I not only found her, I killed about thirty guys. Then my wife and daughter – both of them women, you’ll note – got kidnapped again, I killed about thirty. I must admit the third time they tried to kidnap my wife I was thinking, how come the silly bitch keeps getting kidnapped? But I still avenged her death, with more violence.

Commuter is in cinemas. I don’t know what Alec Baldwin is doing.

JUDD APATOW SECURES MOVIE RIGHTS TO FIRE AND FURY: INSIDE THE TRUMP WHITE HOUSE

HOLLYWOOD – Movie rights of Michael Wolff’s bestselling book Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House have been sold to Judd Apatow.

Judd Apatow today confirmed that he has bought the rights to Michael Wolff’s Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House. The book has topped best seller lists all over and has rocked the political world. Apatow spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the movie version:

It was a no-brainer that this was going to be a great film. Aside from the palace intrigue and the thousands of great moments that are packed into Michael’s book, it is also a flat out comedy. It turns out that we can do a gross out comedy in the style of Dirty Grandpa and it still be the most politically astute portrait of our times.

Who will play the role of Donald Trump?

Again a no-brainer! Alec Baldwin has essentially been auditioning for this movie, even before the movie existed. Other roles are going to be more challenging to fill. We don’t necessarily want to go completely Saturday Night Live. After all, this is also supposed to be a realistic account of what happens inside the corridors of power and we need to make that credible.

So who’ve you got?

We want the guy whose head melts in Raiders of the Lost Ark to play Stephen Miller and for KellyAnne Conway we’re looking for the Jim Henson workshop to give us something. We were modelling it on a Fraggle. Steve Bannon is a major character – Mel Gibson is a little old, but for sheer insanity James Woods would be perfect. Jared Kushner and Ivanka are going to be played by Sasha Baron Cohen in one of those half and half costumes, so that viewed in one profile he’ll be Jared and then he’ll turn around and he’ll be Ivanka.

Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House will be released in 2019.

KYLE CHANDLER TO PLAY ALEC BALDWIN

HOLLYWOOD – Kyle Chandler to play Alec Baldwin in new biopic of the Donald Trump impersonator.

LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON — Episode 911– Pictured: Alec Baldwin — (Photo by: Lloyd Bishop/NBC)

Baldwin follows the life of the actor for a few drama filled weeks in 2013. Chandler spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I’ve always loved Alec. He’s an actor’s actor and so the chance of playing him is a dream.

The biopic won’t be a conventional from cradle to middle age chronological story but will focus on  the weeks that saw Baldwin leave Twitter for the first time. The Chilean director of Tony Manero and Jackie said:

It is the confluence of celebrity and social media that I find truly fascinating. Many will remember the millennium as the one in which Alec Baldwin became President.

Baldwin is due out in 2019.

XMAS CHARITY APPEAL: CURE STEPHEN BALDWINITIS

HAITI – One child in sixteen born in Haiti today will be infected with Stephen Baldwinitis.

There is no cure, there is very little understanding and victims will often find themselves ostracized from their families and social groups.

What can YOU do?

The first thing is obvious: spread the news. On social media platforms, by word of mouth, talk to your friends and work colleagues about this debilitating condition. Imagine for a moment how you would feel having to go through life looking like the guy from The Usual Suspects. Yes. Terrible isn’t it.

Pioneering researcher Dr. Stephen Farrell has worked with children in his specially equipped Baldwinitis Clinic in Port Au Prince. 

We see children as young as five with full blown Stephen Baldwinitis. First they become pale, then the second head emerges: the Baldwin head. After that it’s all over: they start spouting off about Jesus Christ and being obnoxious. The prospect they can look after themselves shrinks to practically zero.

Alec Baldwin was unavailable for comment as he was in boot camp preparing for his Year of Gayness

Having missed the plane for Haiti, Sean Penn has set off swimming for the island nation.
To find out more about Stephen Baldwinitis please visit the Foundation Facebook page 

https://www.facebook.com/stephenbaldwinitis 

and follow @sosofantastico on twitter.

THE HEMSWORTHS TO FIGHT THE BALDWINS

HOLLYWOOD – In what is being tipped as the biggest family-based Hollywood celebrity rumble since the Carradines took on the Quaids, the Hemsworth brothers and the Baldwin gang are to thrash it out down by the railway tracks at half past ten tonight (no knives).

In what is set to look like some weird generation mismatch from The Outsiders, Luke, Liam and Chris Hemswoth will take on Alec, Daniel, William and Stephen Baldwin. ‘We’re going to kick seven shades of sh*t out of those assholes,’ said the usually very polite Luke, who for some reason seemed to be upset about something. ‘Chris is bringing his hammer.’

Alec Baldwin spoke for his family:

What we are looking forward to

The Hemsworths have been riding us for months. “Move out the way old men! Hey d’ya drop ya teeth?” Well, I’m in the mood to dropkick them into next Thursday. Stephen’s given up Christianity especially so he can gouge eyes out and not feel bad. And are there going to be inappropriate and inexplicable racial epithets flying? You bet.

The match will be refereed by the Armie Hammer twins and is being televised on Netflix.


Tweet about it using the hash tag #ChrisLukeLiamHemsworthvsAlecWilliamDanielStephenBaldwinrumble2015.

PATRICK STEWART TO MARRY ALEC BALDWIN

HOLLYWOOD – Sir Patrick Stewart announced that he is to marry Alec Baldwin later this month in what looks to be the celebrity wedding of the year.

The news came following a UK newspaper The Guardian mistakenly outing the veteran Star Trek: Next Generation actor earlier this week.

Stewart explained his decision:

Neither I nor Alec are homosexual, but so inspired was I by Ms. Page’s declaration that one feels one must do one’s bit for marriage equality and so we’ve decided to get hitched and have a wonderful party.

The news was not a complete surprise. Alec Baldwin had decided to spend 2014 as homosexual as penance for his homophobia of the previous year. He spoke EXCLUSIVELY to Studio Exec:

It’s great actually. I find men are very considerate lovers, they understand my needs and we have loads to talk about the next day. Also there’s plenty of horseplay.

Alec Baldwin’s documentary Gay and Confused will be released in 2015. 

ALEC BALDWIN TO BE GAY FOR 2014

MALIBU – Alec Baldwin star of such films as Glengarry Glen Ross and Blue Jasmine, announced today that as part of his re-education program, following a series of scandalous and homophobic tweets, he is going to change his sexuality for one year and be officially homosexual for the entirety of 2014.

An obviously tipsy (but happy) Mr. Baldwin said: ‘Sure why not? Might be a gas!’

I’ve often thought of swinging both ways but repression up until now has been quite successful and has only been hinted at by ‘The Lady doth protest too much’ homophobia! I think one giveaway is the number of times I use the phrase ‘c*cksucker’.

Representatives of the LGBT community  welcomed Mr. Baldwin’s move, although making it clear that they believed sexuality was not a choice as such. Marcia Levelly said:

I’ve got a feeling this is just a ruse for Mr. Baldwin to do what he always wanted to do and so I say good luck to him. Once he’s had a taste, I don’t think he’ll ever go back.

 Alec Baldwin will be gay until 2015.

TWITTER LEAVES ALEC BALDWIN

NEW MEXICO – In a surprise move, it was revealed today that long time Alec Baldwin love interest, Twitter has in fact dumped the actor.

The star of 30 Rock, Glengarry Glen Ross and brother to well known popsicle Stephen Baldwin, Alec Baldwin said that the relationship had been in trouble for some time, citing trust issues.
In a final tweet, Twitter commented:

We’ve had our fun, but the outbursts are less sclerotic and the controversy is tired. #AlecBaldwinGoodbye
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3:41 PM – 20 Jan 13 · Embed this Tweet

Oddly, Twitter then went onto Facebook to unleash its feelings through a series of status updates which – when they weren’t pornographic – were deeply sad.

Confused and tired and angry. After all I gave him and he just starts in on me at a funeral. AT A FUNERAL.

Like · Comment · 9 minutes ago ·
4 people like this.

FIRST LOOK AT WOODY ALLEN’S BATMAN: A DISAPPOINTMENT

HOLLYWOOD – Everyone knew that it was a brave choice after the success of Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight Trilogy to hand over DC Comic’s biggest superhero star to an eclectic auteur like Woody Allen.

‘We always knew Woody’s Batman would be a totally different creature to Christopher’s,’ said producer Sarah Green. ‘But I have to say we are disappointed with what we’ve seen so far.’
First the veteran writer director changed the title from The Amazing Batman to Blue Jasmine, Green complains.

Then in the main role he casts Cate Blanchett, changing the name from Bruce Wayne to Jasmine, gets rid of Alfred, the Batmobile, the Batwing, Wayne Manor, the villains, the cape and sets most of the film in San Francisco where everyone comes out with tersely witty but true lines and talk mostly about relationships. 

Actor Alec Baldwin said that he was confused by the whole Batman angle:

We never spoke about it on set and when I did try and broach the subject with Woody in private, he couldn’t talk properly because he was giggling so much. I couldn’t get any sense out of him.

Louis C.K. who also has a role in the film explained how he saw matters.

I think what he did is take the studio’s budget of the hundred million, then made his usual twelve million film, and spent the rest of the money on solid gold clarinets. It’s the only explanation that makes sense.

ROGER MOORE WAS NEVER MARRIED TO MARY TYLER MOORE, CLAIMS NEW BOOK

HOLLYWOOD – Perhaps one of Hollywood’s most famous families – the Moores – are to be the subject of scandal mongering author Jinx Splack’s new book Moore the Merrier. Roger Moore and Mary Tyler-Moore founded the dynasty in 1963 when the future 007 renounced his bachelor ways for domestic bliss with an American icon.

Fiercely competitive from the start – especially with his younger brother the comedian and pianist Dudley Moore – Roger and Mary began hatching children almost immediately. First came the twins Demi and Julianne, and then troublesome little Mikey, who raged against his parents’ VIP lifestyle and made angry documentaries against close family friend Charlton Heston.

Patrick Moore – Roger and Dudley’s elder brother and famous in the UK as a TV astrologer – wrote in his memoirs Very Moore-ish:

To sit around Roger’s dinner table is to be hit with all the vulgarity of American success unleavened by any sense of humility. Demi and Julianne chew gum noisily in competing stages of dishabille; Michael stuffs himself with entire farms of food while talking about the poverty in the Third World (a science fiction film, perchance?), Mary ‘cracks wise’ and Roger cannot even bring himself to raise the famous eyebrow of disapproval.   

However, Jinx Splack’s new book claims controversially that the Moore family are not actually related.

Roger never married Mary Tyler Moore; he is not Dudley or Patrick Moore’s brother and Michael Moore, Demi Moore and Julianne Moore are not their children. They simply have the same surname.

Friends close to the family have reacted with anger, shock and confusion. ‘She’s just a bitch,’ said one source. Jinx Splack has a history of famous exposés including The Stewarts, in which she claimed that Jon Stewart and Patrick Stewart were not Rod Stewart’s children and Patrick Stewart and Martha Stewart were not married and had not had Kristen Stewart as their daughter. The publication of the book, however, was a severe blow to her credibility as it was disproved by ample DNA testing. Many see this as the end of a career which had begun so promisingly with her birlliant uncovering of The Baldwin Myth.

PETER JACKSON TO BE SUED BY KING KONG ‘ACTOR’

Giles Haversmith










WELLINGTON – Animal murderer Peter Jackson is to be sued by Giles Haversmith, the performer who brought the famous monster monkey King Kong to life for Mr. Jackson’s forgotten 2005 film. Mr. Haversmith – who is a giant ape – said that Mr. Jackson and his company were guilty of ‘mistreatment and extreme emotional damage’ citing ‘prodding at his genitalia and laughing’ as well as ‘falsely claiming he was CGI creation, created with a combination of Andy Serkis motion capture and Alec Baldwin’s back hair.’
Dr. Haversmith – who has a Ph.D in French Romantic Literature – said in a statement:

Post poo

What you see up there is me. All me and that has never been fully recognised. I put my soul up there on the screen. Pete Jackson said that this was going to do for giant talking apes, what Philadelphia did for gay men and Forrest Gump did for dumb asses. In fact in the film all my lines were cut. I just looked like an idiot.   

The claims comes in a week which saw Jackson assailed by claims that the 48 FPS rate of The Hobbit was causing pregnancies that some feared would lead to the creation of a cute Orc army. However, Mr. Jackson poo-pooed the allegations (by which we literally mean he literally did a poo poo on Dr. Haversmith’s written statement.)