NORTH BY NORTHWEST REMAKE GREENLIT

HOLLYWOOD – Hot on the tails of the To Catch A Thief remake announcement, Hollywood once again proves you can’t have too much of a good thing. Paramount Studios have announced the creation of the Hitchcock Extended Universe. The next film will be a North By Northwest remake to star Ryan Reynolds and Amy Schumer. The Exec spoke with Denise Fahrtknocker, Head of PR at Paramount about the North By Northwest remake.

Denise, What Gave You The Idea To Remake Such Beloved Classics?

Money. We were sat around in our gold-lined giant hot tub in Malibu worrying that we didn’t have enough cash because it’ll be months before Tom shits out another Mission Impossible. It was then after several Martinis and lines of coke that the idea hit me. Hitchcock! We can cash in on Hitchcock.

Aren’t You Worried A North By Northwest Remake Has Little Artistic Value?

Artistic what? You talk real funny for someone who’s so fucking poor. Did you know that? Look, we don’t need artistic-whatever-the-fuck-you-said, because we got a great cast. They’re so talented and committed to the project, we think they’re going to surprise a lot of nay-sayers out there.

Who Are They?

Ryan Reynolds and Amy Schumer, that’s who. Ryan will be playing the Cary Grant role and Amy will play the Eva Marie Saint role. Sounds like dynamite, don’t it?

Who Will Play The Villains?

I’m glad you asked me that. We got Jesse Plemons in the Martin Landau role, because he’s kinda funny looking in his own way. And we got Alan Rickman playing the James Mason role. Who could be better to give us that mid-Atlantic, villainous charm? Nobody, that’s who.

But Alan Rickman Is Dead.

Yeah? Ok, fuck-it. We’ll get Gary Oldman. He’ll play any old villain as long as there’s enough green to be had. Who gives a shit.

The North By Northwest Remake Goes Into Production Shortly

EVERYONE ELSE DIES

HOLLYWOOD – The world of entertainment was in shock today as everyone who hasn’t already died in 2016 has died.

The news broke on twitter when everyone’s agent released the following statement:

We are very sad to report that late last night everyone not already dead died. It happened peacefully. Our thoughts and prayers are with the family.

Tributes didn’t flow in from anywhere because those people were dead as well. The deaths come in what have been a bumper year for celebrity deaths, following the deaths of Prince, Leonard Cohen, Anton Yelchin, David Bowie, George Michael, Gary Shandling, Alan Rickman, Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds.

Everyone else has now died, except for Keith Richards.

BEN KINGSLEY’S DOG FIGHTING SHAME

HOLLYWOOD – Oscar winner and Knight Bachelor of the British Empire Sir Ben Kingsley today admitted that he is  a dog fighting addict.

The Gandhi star, Ben Kingsley, told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I know it is indefensible, but the rush of blood that I get when I see two canines, with razor sharp teeth, goaded by large men in black bomber jackets in a derelict industrial waste site in South East Wales, snarling and snapping and fighting to the death… I mean winning the Oscar for Gandhi was a high, but this is higher.

The Mandarin confessed that his love of dog fighting started while he was researching his role as foul mouthed gangster Don Logan in 2000’s Sexy Beast.

It was a way of entering into the mind of Don and the idiom that he inhabits. But once the film was made and I usually shrug off the character like an old coat, I found myself at the docks watching two pit bulls savage each other while I bayed like a frenzied animal myself.

Kingsley confessed that he had been seeking aid from an RSPCA group dedicated to helping Dog Fight Addicts to ween themselves off the habit. A spokesperson for the group said that ‘Sir Ben is a welcome member of the group and is sincere in his wish to do away with this horrific form of entertainment. He has also regaled us with many an amusing anecdote from the worlds of stage and screen.’

Love of dog fighting has also been a traditional trait of the ex-pats actors’ club the Jolly Bastards, who many blame for spreading riotous and immoral behavior among the finest thespians, including Charles Dance, Tom Hiddleston and Benedict Cumberbatch. Kingsley was a member of the club for a couple of years in the early eighties but turned whistle-blower after Alan Rickman murdered a dolphin for a jape.

Sir Ben Kingsley will be seen in 2015 in The Jungle Book. 

BANKSY REVEALED TO BE HUGH GRANT

LONDON – Infamous street artist and director and subject of Exit Through the Gift Shop, Banksy has finally revealed his true identity to be none other than Four Weddings and a Funeral star Hugh Grant.

The Mickey Blue Eyes star told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

It started off as something of a joke, a way of relaxing. I was coming home from a late night with Alan Rickman one night and I said, ‘Here’s larks Alan. Lets paint two policemen snogging!’ Well, Alan thought the idea ripping. The next morning I woke up and the clothes I was sleeping in were specked with paint and I had a vague memory of doing something naughty. It was only when I was on my way to get the paper that I saw the mural and realised what I’d done.

So it was initially an act of light hearted vandalism?

Quite right. A jape if you will. But it soon became more serious. I started thinking in images and I do like and admire street artists so I began to emulate them and I became much more ambitious and as I did my image became progressively more political and even revolutionary.

Did you ever fear you’d be found out?

Not after I got caught with the prostitute. I knew that was the perfect ruse. You see the media had me pegged as a floppy haired fop with a taste for the rough. A perfect cover for what I was becoming: a latter day William Blake, a visionary visual artist with a thirst for overcoming social injustice and thumbing my nose at the authorities. I would sit on the set of About a Boy and doodle new ideas. Once Renee Zellwegger spotted my notebook, but luckily she was squiffy and couldn’t make much sense of it. Bless.

What inspired you to reveal yourself now?

I want to start getting some more credit. I know I’m not the best actor in the world, but my street art has really gained recognition. There’s a deleted scene of Exit through the Gift Shop where I reveal who I am but we cut it out because we knew that everyone would think it was a joke and I’m tired of being one of those.

Hugh Grant’s new one man show Banksy and Me will be showing at the Old Vic in 2015.

RICK-HARD: THE ALAN RICKMAN DIARIES (PART 2)

In our continuing series, character actor, Severus Snape and human being Alan Rickman reveals his innermost thoughts.


Sunken Dreams and Shitting Chick Peas

By far the most lavish and expensive indulgence of my life so far, my dream home, has fallen into the sea. It was the only building in a 10-mile radius on the only part of a cliff, which succumbed to thousands of years of ground weakening erosion. F@cking England!
Someone happened to be strolling past this secluded spot and, of course, filmed it on a camera phone and posted it. The destruction of my retirement dream is apparently very popular with over 23,000 ‘hits’ on something called ‘YouTube’. 
I have two months off before the play opens and need something to occupy my time and take my mind off my sunken digs. Serge (my manager) has called me to his office to discuss some offers. Owing to some recent misdemeanors recently posted on ‘YouTube’, it seems I am in high demand.
 ‘You’re just hilarious in a crisis Man-Rick! It’s what the people want to see.’ Says Serge, somehow, through a mouthful of meatballs.
The ‘project’ in question is ‘Desert Island Ricks’, a concept dreamed up by Serge himself and offered to Channel 4 without consulting me first; Me, Ricky Gervais and an 80’s pop star (I’ve never heard of him) called Rick Astley, marooned on an island with a camera crew and the ‘chips fall where they may’ as he says. ‘No’ I say.
‘This is GOLD Rick! Solid GOLD! I swear, in the meeting, we laughed for a solid 30 minutes. And what I find funny, the PEOPLE find funny, Rick, you know this.’
 ‘I’m not doing it.’
 ‘F@ck a duck Rick, I’ve already said yes’
 ‘I’m saying no.’
 ‘How strong a “no” is it?’
 ‘I’d rather eat a scrotum full of dead flies Serge.’
 ‘Now THAT would be gold!’
Channel 4 are suing. Long story short; Serge ‘agreed’ to this project on my behalf a whole month before asking me about it. He even faked my signature on the contract. They want me to cover the loss of the entire project. Serge is saying they’ll take half as a settlement on the basis that I do them a ‘favour’ down the line.
 I fire Serge over the phone on a Beautiful Friday afternoon and flop on the couch and have the most peaceful nap I have had all year. The phone rings 10 minutes later. It’s Serge, telling me to turn on the news. I do it. Live footage of a theatre in flames. My theatre. I answer another phone call, my play is cancelled indefinitely. I answer another phone call, Chanel 4 have changed their mind and want to take me to court for the full amount after all. I phone Serge and re-hire him. I make some lunch, there are chickpeas in my salad. I have a nuts and pulses allergy. My throat starts to close and I can hardly breathe. I suddenly have violent diarrhea and owing to my state of worsening anaphylactic shock, cannot get my knickers off in time. I soil myself and pass out.
 The first face I see, of course, is Serge’s. He looks happier than I have ever seen him.
 ‘I’ve done it…I’ve f@cking done it!’
 ‘Where am I?’
‘On top of a gold mine old cock!’ He thrusts a manuscript in my face; I’m in hospital, obviously. I try to sit up and the covers fall to the side. I’m not wearing any knickers. ‘Look at it Rick, LOOK AT IT!’
I take the manuscript from him in the hopes that he will stop shouting for a minute. My head is spinning. I look at the front page and my head spins even more. ‘What the fuck is this Serge? My character died in part 1! Are you insane?’
‘No, no no! ha ha ha ha! You’re the HERO this time, that’s the twist. It’s beyond genius. And I’ve convinced those dicks at Chanel 4 to come on as producers…they’re dropping their case. Who the man?’
I look down at the script and read the title.
RICK-HARD: Die hard Rebooted.’

TO BE CONTINUED.

RICK-HARD: THE ALAN RICKMAN DIARIES

In a new series, character actor, Severus Snape and human being Alan Rickman reveals his innermost thoughts.

The Secret of Ball-Musk.

Serge, my manager, is the worst human being I have ever met. I have never had so much success since I hired him and I’ve never been so f*cking depressed. 

I’m sitting in his office waiting on the police and he’s grinning  that cannibal’s grin. It’s been a good week (for him) but that smile means something else, something darker; I can just tell. Against my better judgement I ask him.

‘Can’t you smell it?’ he asks and he actually starts wafting at me.

‘No, what is…’ I stop in my tracks. The dirty bastard is actually doing it. ‘How long?’ I ask him.

‘3 weeks. I haven’t changed my knickers in 3 WEEKS!’ 

Okay. Let’s go back. 

We were in Berlin, Serge and I. An independent film festival; pleasant enough, the going was good until he mentioned ‘the offer’. A 10 minute chat show slot, five minutes walk from the hotel and a bit of chat about the film festival and the play I’m doing in summer. Easy. Until the questions start.

‘So do you keep the robot costume at home?’ was the chat show host’s first question.

‘Sorry? Did you say robot costume?’, laughter from the audience. I can hear Serge above them all.

‘Yes, the gold suit. Do you get to keep it and wear it at home?’

The fellow looks earnest enough, his English is impeccable and I don’t sense he’s trying to get some kind of rise out of me. So I very politely ask him what he’s talking about, just as my eyes adjust to the studio lighting and I can finally make out the audience: men in weird costumes with colorful plastic swords; women with strange buns in their hair; and more than a few bemused looking chaps dressed in a rather iconic golden robot costume. Serge is sitting in the front row …absolutely pissing himself. He set this up. The C*NT!

My blood is running cold but I smile and ask the host who he thinks I am. The poor fellow does the touching his earpiece and looking around at the producer routine…
‘Mr Anthony Daniels? … C3P0?’

The audience is having a good time. They think it’s a clever sketch and any moment now Anthony is going to come on-set to triumphant applause. The mistake I make is misinterpreting the body language of the crew and production staff. I simply ASSUME they have cut. I relax into it and just start chatting.

‘So sorry about that chum, it appears someone is having a joke at our expense. I do know Anthony though, we go way back. I can get you his details and I suppose you could re-schedule. Be warned though, he’s not what he seems.’

I’m standing to leave, the host still has his hand on the earpiece, no doubt receiving a bit of grief. I lean in and say it…

‘The dirty bastard hasn’t changed his knickers since 1977, he thinks it’s the secret of his success.’

Of course the show was live. The clip was on You-Tube by the time Serge and I got to the exit. 3 million hits by the end of the day and invites to every chat show in the world.

Anthony was furious of course. He finally got to me this morning, leaped out of a taxi and head-butted me before I knew what was happening. Kicked me when I was down too. But that’s Daniels for you. If only people knew his story. Jesus. He was raving about how the spell was now broken, his knickers had lost their pungency now that the secret was out. He said I had doomed him and the entire Star Wars legacy. Who knows, maybe he’s right.

Of course someone filmed the attack, and Anthony subsequently walking into traffic and being hit by a bus. By the time I reached Serge’s office he was already watching it on YouTube. 5 million hits in 30 minutes. 

Serge claims it’s the knickers. The offers are pouring in. My play is sold out. The police arrive. Serge is still in the toilet flushing away his ‘happy dust’ when they finish questioning me. They ask for a photo for the boys at the station. I could murder a gin.

EMILIA CLARKE BECOMES LODGE MOTHER OF THE JOLLY BASTARDS

HOLLYWOOD – You’ll know her as Daenerys Targarayen on HBO’s Game of Thrones, but British born actress Emilia Clarke today was enrolled as the Lodge Mother of the Ex-Pat British Actors Club, The Jolly Bastards.

At a ceremony at exclusive Santa Monica restaurant Chinois on Main, Jolly Bastards President Benedict Cumberbatch said that everyone was ‘frightfully thrilled at the news’:

Emilia has a pair of stunning eyebrows and we’re all going to have a lot of fun getting up to high jinks and japes over here in our favorite former colony, America-landia. And so say all of us!

The Jolly Bastards was originally formed in the 1960s by Cary Grant and David Niven, but through the years has become the gang of choice for former UK thespians living in La-La Land. Ms. Clarke was introduced to the group by fellow Game of Thrones star and long time Jolly Bastard Charles Dance. Other members include Tom Hiddleston and Alan Rickman.

The group has caused some controversy in the past as it has allegedly (actually self-confessedly) been involved in a number of crimes including Swan murder, but which the LAPD have declined to investigate because the perpetrators ‘have such charming accents.’

The mayhem is likely to only increase with the glorious Ms. Clarke now counted alongside Carey Mulligan and Judi Dench in the female wing of the group.

For more on the Jolly Bastards be so good as to CLICK HERE.

CHARLES DANCE: ‘YES, I MURDERED FOR FUN’

COPENHAGEN – Veteran stage, TV and film actor Charles Dance admitted in an interview with Danish bacon magazine Swine that, in his early days at Hollywood, he would regularly murder strangers for fun.

“This was the early 80s, and there was something exciting in the air,” Dance told Swine journalist Bogdon Hergwitz. “I was young and I’d just finished The Jewel in the Crown mini-series for the BBC. My agent sent me out to Hollywood and I got work in Plenty, The Golden Child and White Mischief. I was riding high and I got into a fast crowd and yes, some people got murdered.”

Among the gang were other British actors Julian Sands, Rupert Everett and Alan Rickman. The best thing in Alien 3 said:

We would typically go round to someone’s house for drinks and then out to a restaurant for dinner, after which we would pick a stranger at random and murder them. We never bothered with alibis or disguises, or even avoiding witnesses. Everyone knew we were doing it, but when the police interviewed us they would find our English accents so charming they’d let us off with a warning.

Over the years it is estimated that the Jolly Bastards – as they called themselves – murdered over 50 people. Mr Dance, who returns to our screens soon as the Lannister patriarch in Game of Thrones:

In all honesty, we lost count. I remember Julian kept a scrapbook and Rupert collected fingers, but both of them got muddled so I don’t know. It all came to an end when Hugh Grant joined the group. His excesses were so vile it made us all take a long hard look at ourselves and we didn’t like what we saw. So we stopped. 

Do you regret your actions? The lives you cut short?

No, absolutely not, it was fun. Why should I regret it?

Game of Thrones Season 4 is currently filming and will involve a rich harvest of naked breasts.  

FLUFFER’S XMAS TOP TEN: PART 5



In the final part of his Xmas top ten, Sir Edwin Fluffer writes of his favorite Xmas films and his experience working in the cinema as an ‘actor’:

9 Miracle on 34th Street
I enjoyed this movie so much that I spent years trying to track down the preceding 33 Streets only to find that this is actually the first one. They haven’t made the sequel yet either, but I could always find time in my schedule for a cameo. I’d like to play the judge because then you can sit down behind that nice big desk and if you get too warm you can take your trousers off. 
When I was cast in The Searchers I wanted to play it with no trousers on, but the saddles on those horses were most uncomfortable. In the end I had to bring a cushion to sit on, but when John Wayne saw it he wanted one too and the whole thing got out of hand. I had to get Natalie Wood to embroider my name on my cushion because Jeffrey Hunter kept stealing it. 
Having no trousers backfired quite spectacularly when I was bitten by one of the horses, which resulted in some quite lengthy medical treatment. To this day I can’t think of lovely Natalie Wood without feeling quite uncomfortable. Sadly all of my scenes were cut from the movie because John Ford felt that the subplot I was involved in didn’t really gel with the rest of the picture. Even at the time I felt that having an astronaut with no trousers turn up in the middle of a western was slightly avant garde and once again history has proved me right.

10 Die Hard
The day I got my star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame I also got a phone call from that lovely young actor Alan Rickman. The poor love was in tears and I could barely understand a word he was saying. I headed straight over to his hotel room and found him in a terrible state. Ally was just about to start filming his role as the lead villain in Die Hard, but couldn’t find the character. It’s every actor’s worst nightmare. With all my years of experience in the business I couldn’t see a fellow performer suffer that way, so I stayed up with him all night long running the lines and trying desperately to find a way for him to get under the skin of that part. It was the early hours of the following morning when I suddenly had a brain wave: why not do it with an accent? 
We must’ve tried them all, Mexican, Japanese, Australian, but we got there in the end and the result is one of the most mesmerizing performances in the entire history of the cinema. So if anyone ever asks you ‘who had the bright idea to get Alan Rickman to do a French accent in Die Hard?’ you tell them Sir Edwin Fluffer! Darling Alan was terribly grateful and said he’d tried to get me a credit as dialogue coach. 
I don’t know if he remembered or not because when I saw the film I’d had a few drinks and fell asleep long before the end.