HOLLYWOOD – Everyone knows Christopher Walken, right? Wrong.
Gasp as Studio Exec rips apart the detritus of dumb that surrounds this once fine actor with the hooks and pulleys of factual truth.
1. Christopher Walken did NOT kill Natalie Wood.
2. If Christopher Walken can’t make it to a wedding or someone’s birthday he sends Alan Arkin and usually no one notices.
3. There was a time before 1987, that Christopher Walken played ‘characters’.
4. Christopher Walken’s ring tone is ‘It’s Raining Men’ by the Weather Girls.
5. The original script of The Deer Hunter had the main characters forced to play Twister but Walken suggested it would be more dramatic if they had to play Russian Roulette. Robert De Niro was against the idea as he had been playing Twister for months in preparation for the role, but he later credited Walken with having saved the movie.
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CHICAGO – Veteran and award winning actor Christopher Walken was rushed to hospital early this morning, having taken a suspected overdose of a deadly cocktail of irony and self-parody.”
He’s been doing SNL sketches for years,” said pal, Jon Voight, “But they have this Funny or Die stuff, ‘Cooking with Christopher Walken’, and that stuff is fucking lethal.”
Family members knew that he had been working with the Muppets, but thought that it was for back pain and were not overly concerned. In the past, Christopher Walken has also appeared in a Todd Soldenz movie.
“Now,” said Robert De Niro, “we can see that for what it really was, a cry for help.”
Having accrued a body of cult films like Dogs of War and The King of New York, and some all-out classics like The Funeral and The Deer Hunter, Christopher Walken has more recently been taking the piss.
Alan Arkin is expected to be playing all his roles until Walken is well enough to return to serious acting.
Jersey Boys will be released in 2014.
HOLLYWOOD – Sylvester Stallone‘s Grudge Match has almost finished filming with Robert DeNiro. The film involves a pair of old boxing rivals who step back into the ring to settle once and for all who made the best Vietnam movie.
Alan Arkin plays the aging coach, rescued from a nursing home (along with the rest of the cast), to prepare Stallone for a final epic bout.
Sources close to Mr. Stallone said:
Sly feels very under-appreciated by the critical community. People love The Deer Hunter and put it above Rambo 2, likewise they always give the critical plaudits to Raging Bull and not Rocky. He is seething inside. Expendables was actually an attempt to remake Ronin. Sly hates DeNiro’s guts and my fear is that there are going to be some real punches thrown in the ring.
Bobby DeNiro however pooh-poohed such talk as malicious gossip. ‘I’ve always been a great fan of Sylvester Stallone and we’re great buddies,’ said The Godfather Part Two star. ‘Stop or My Mom Will Shoot is what inspired me to become an actor in the first place.’
‘But you were already an actor when that came out.’
‘Yeah, well, what I mean is it would’ve. You know.’
Grudge Match is released in 2014.