ALAN ALDA RULES HIMSELF OUT OF JAMES BOND

HOLLYWOOD – The rumors have reached a peak intenstity but Alan Alda gave what seemed like the definitive answer today: he would not under any circumstances be playing James Bond, 007.

With Daniel Craig’s tenure as the most famous British secret agent comes to a close, his replacement is becoming a hot ticket of discussion, but one name that was until now leading the pack has seen fit to rule himself out. Alan Alda told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that he would not be playing the role even if it were offered him.

It is always very flattering to hear yourself considered for a role but I believe it is unfair to an actor who is still playing that role to talk about it. However, such has been the furore and speculation, I feel it’s only right for me to come out and say without any equivocation that I will not be playing 007, James Bond either now or any time in the future.

But why?

Several reasons. First of all I’m not British and I believe that being British, or Irish in the case of Pierce Brosnan is kind of important. An American won’t get it. Shouldn’t even try. Look at what happened when they went with George Lazenby the Australian. It was a disaster.

I see. 

And the other reason is I just think I’m too old for the role.

Oh come on.

No, I know. The role has always called for a more mature actor, but I’m 80 and the role is very physical. I’m pretty fit but essentially .

Alan Alda will be appearing as Jason Bourne in The Bourne Nap.

HORACE AND PETE – REVIEW

HORACE AND PETE – REVIEW – Louis C.K. writes and directs and stars in a brilliant dark drama set in a run down Brooklyn pub.

Louis C.K.’s new webseries Horace and Pete dropped taking everyone by complete surprise. The second surprise was the tone which was much dark and more dramatic than anything we’d seen so far, though some episodes of Louis had already hinted at depths of brilliant drama. Set in a dingy Brooklyn pub, Horace (Louis C.K.) and Pete (Steve Buscemi) are the two owners who have followed a century old tradition of taking control of the pub which has always been run by a Horace and a Pete. Uncle Pete (Alan Alda) is the prior owner who now tends bar and who ran it with the previous Horace, Horace’s father. An assortment of customers hang out like an ensemble from an episode of Cheers written by Samuel Beckett and include Jessica Lang as Horace senior’s former lover and Stephen Wright as a mumbling drunk jotting things in a little notebook. Uncle Pete is the foul mouthed, politically incorrect id of the bar and the repository of the dark history. Edie Falco is the sister who feels that they should sell the pub and get on with their lives, to escape its toxic effects.

I’ve got to episode four and find this to be some of the best stuff that Louis C.K. has ever done. And I say that as a huge fan of his stand up and his series. Having carved out a niche of his own creative freedom, he is here using it to do something that feels wholly new and totally ambitious. There are moments of wry comedy and dark almost terrifying honesty. Some of the episodes are long with an intermission, reinforcing the impression that this is primarily a theatrical work. The last one is a mere thirty minutes.

As James Stewart said in Harvey, ‘No one brings anything small into a bar’. And here everyone has demons and problems. Pete has seriously mental problems, has been hospitalized and must take his meds. Horace has one broken marriage and a faltering relationship with his overweight daughter. His son hasn’t spoken to him for years. He is a good listener, but incapable of fully expressing himself. Louis C.K. the director lets his amazing cast do their work. In one episode Laurie Metcalf, playing Horace’s ex-wife, tells a long story and it must be a good ten to fifteen minutes before the camera even reveals who she is talking to. Her performance steps right up to the challenge. Of course this could be seen as indulgent and it won’t be for everyone, but  for me Horace and Pete reveals Louis C.K. to be a truly great dramatic writer while never losing sight of the dark comedy of failure.

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WHY BRUCE WILLIS WAS FIRED FROM WOODY ALLEN MOVIE

NEW YORK – Woody Allen today revealed for the first time why Bruce Willis left his new movie, even though shooting had already begun with the actor.

When Bruce Willis left the new Woody Allen as yet untitled movie, rumors immediately began to fly as to the reason. The official explanation was that it was due to scheduling problems as Willis was due to appear on Broadway in an adaptation of the Stephen King novel Misery. However, Woody Allen popped in to the Studio Exec New York penthouse to dish the dirt.

So Woody, how come Bruce left the new picture?

Oh he isn’t funny. The man is not funny. I remember him being wonderful in Moonlighting, a real light touch but something must have happened and he just hasn’t got it anymore. I thought he was good in Moonrise Kingdom as well. So when I was directing him, I said “how come you’re not funny? And you were funny in Moonrise Kingdom and Moonlighting, so what is it?” and he told me that he was only funny if there was a moon in the title. So I decided right there and then to change the title of the movie from Blintzes Ahoy! to Moon, but then someone told me there was already a movie called that and then someone else, I think it was Alan Alda told me that I’d made a film recently called Magic in the Moonlight, so I changed the title back! And goodbye Bruce.

Jesus! How’d he take it?

He was angry but I got the feeling that he was relieved. Rumor is he doesn’t really like working that much anyway. Turned out that Sylvester Stallone had fired him from Expendables 3 and I think Bruce just isn’t that interested anymore.

Jesse Eisenberg and Kristen Stewart are still in the cast however and filming continues.

The Twilight Blintzes Network will be released in 2016.

FAST AND FURIOUS 6 WILL NOT FEATURE CARS

HOLLYWOOD – Vin Diesel has spoken for the first time about the new Fast and Furious film which is currently filming and is due out in May next year, and what he said might come as a surprise to fans of the franchise which has taken the car chase movie from the stern gritty social realism of The Cannonball Run and made it lighter, fluffier and more disposable.
The new film – directed by Justin Lin – will feature Diesel alongside Michelle Rodgriguez and Dwayne (Don’t Call me The Rock) ‘The Rock’ Johnson and looks sets to be something of a departure from previous entries if Diesel is to be believed.

Justin said you know what, I’m bored of cars what if we just get rid of them and really break new ground? We all looked like him as if he was crazy but then we thought hell, why not? This shit has been getting old for a while now. So the whole movie – there’s this brief prologue that explains why we can’t use cars – then the rest of the movies takes place on Space Hoppers.  

Co-star Alan Alda said, ‘I was looking forward to getting behind the wheel of a car. I’m no spring chicken so when they told me I’d be doing Fast and Furious, I was delighted because I assumed I’d be able to relax. But then all the Space Hopper scenes meant it was more exhausting than ever. Assholes.’

FAST AND FURIOUS 6 WILL NOT FEATURE CARS

HOLLYWOOD – Vin Diesel has spoken for the first time about the new Fast and Furious film which is currently filming and is due out in May next year, and what he said might come as a surprise to fans of the franchise which has taken the car chase movie from the stern gritty social realism of The Cannonball Run and made it lighter, fluffier and more disposable.
The new film – directed by Justin Lin – will feature Diesel alongside Michelle Rodgriguez and Dwayne (Don’t Call me The Rock) ‘The Rock’ Johnson and looks sets to be something of a departure from previous entries if Diesel is to be believed.

Justin said you know what, I’m bored of cars what if we just get rid of them and really break new ground? We all looked like him as if he was crazy but then we thought hell, why not? This shit has been getting old for a while now. So the whole movie – there’s this brief prologue that explains why we can’t use cars – then the rest of the movies takes place on Space Hoppers.  

Co-star Alan Alda said, ‘I was looking forward to getting behind the wheel of a car. I’m no spring chicken so when they told me I’d be doing Fast and Furious, I was delighted because I assumed I’d be able to relax. But then all the Space Hopper scenes meant it was more exhausting than ever. Assholes.’

WOODY ALLEN SIGNS ON FOR NEW BATMAN

NEW YORK – With the dust finally settling on what looks like one of the most successful trilogies both critically and commercially since Toy Story, and Christopher Nolan swearing that he will not be return to helm another outing for the man in the bat suit, Warner Bros. have already decided on a new director to take on the franchise in a fresh reboot tentatively titled The Amazing Batman: Woody Allen. 

Gotham’s most famous humorist and diminutive bespectacled comedian Woody Allen has signed on to direct two instalments.

‘I wanted to do something new and I was getting heartily sick of Europe,’ the Annie Hall director confessed.  ‘I’ve had the  Batman script in the drawer for years and this will be my opportunity to dust it off.’

Attracted principally by what Allen calls ‘the deep psychological neuroses of the character’, the prolific writer / director waved off concerns that he was unused to dealing with action. ‘I can do all that,’ Allen smirked. ‘Oh there’ll be action all right.’

The studio had originally offered famed Austrian director Michael Haneke the job, but he turned it down saying he wanted to work on darker material. Although at first glance, Woody might not seem the first name that would come to mind, he makes films cheaply and quickly and knows the neighbourhood. Studio Exec can exclusively reveal that Allen will himself appear in the film as The Riddler. Although Batman himself is yet to be cast, Allen hinted that he had a few names in mind – Roberto Benigni, Alan Alda and Scarlet Johansson have all been mentioned – but as yet nothing is decided. 

Batman Gotham Barcelona will be released in 2017.