TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION SIGNALS END OF DAYS

HOLLYWOOD – The 4th film in the Transformers franchise, Michael Bay’s Transformers: Age of Extinction has made an unbelievable amount of money on its opening weekend and signaled the onset of the apocalypse.

As soon as the Box Office figures were published, the Seventh Seal was broken and the trumpets sounded opening the gates of Hell. Jesus – in a blaze of light – returned to the Earth and separated those who were worthy from those who had to star in a Damon Lindelof show. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Jesus said: 

We’ve been hanging around upstairs watching what has been going on. I keep saying to God, ‘Look dad, they’re ruining everything. Let’s go down and sort them out.’ But dad would say, ‘no, there is still good in them. We can save them.’ Then he saw Transformers 4 and all the people going to see it and he said, ‘Sod this for a game of soldiers’ and unleashed the end of days.

So it was like a tipping point? 

Exactly. To be totally frank Hangover 3 was the tipping point, but logistics are such that we had to set everything up. I mean winding up a project like Life on Earth isn’t just something you can do in a week. 

But he created the Universe in a week? 

But he was young and full of fire in those days. He’s slowed down and has just kind of lost interest.

So ironically The Age of Extinction has in fact created the Age of Extinction. 

I suppose. I mean if irony is your thing. Anyway got to go.

 See you later. 

I don’t think so.

Transformers: Age of Extinction is currently in theaters. 

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION LOOKS AWFUL

HOLLYWOOD – Following the foray into art house esoterica that was Pain and Gain, Michael Bay returns to a comfort zone with Transformers: Age of Extinction in which big toys smash things while the brightest minds of the human race try to make Mark Wahlberg look witty.

This week we were granted a first glimpse of what delights the film might hold and the verdict is unsurprising: it looks shit. 


Whereas the first three Transformers films were known for their nuanced characterisation and stunning special effects, it looks like the fourth instalment is going with a far more low-fi approach. Forensic semiotics expert Javier Goh reports:

I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m not going to be parting with my well-earned cash to see Michael Bay menace Nicola Peltz with a large fluorescent rake. Even if he does have weirdly blond hair. Where are the robots turning into cars? Where are the huge city destroying battles? And Mark Wahlberg? The only actor on the planet who can make you hanker after the line readings of Shia La Beouf!

Although harsh there is undoubted evidence that Javier’s opinions are entirely justified. Even if some Transformitons (as fans of the series prefer to be known) argue that the film will in fact be ‘okay’ and ‘not absolutely without merit’.

Transformers: Age of Extinction will be released in 2015. 

MARK WAHLBERG TO STAR IN TRANSFORMERS 4

HOLLYWOOD – Mark Wahlberg – one of the best associate or executive producers currently working in the business – has shocked colleagues by moving in front of the camera to act in Michael Bay’s forthcoming Transformers 4.

However, it has come to light that Mr. Wahlberg is not a stranger to the limelight, having actually secretly acted in a number of films in the past. Apparently Wahlberg was in a film called Ted in which he was stood next to a teddy bear and he was also in The Fighter (according to sources) standing near Christian Bale. Some wild eyed madmen have even argued that he played the fighter of the title, but surely … was that … was there a fighter? I can’t. Scientist Johnny Harridan explains:

Mr Wahlberg is indeed an actor and has appeared in a number of films but he has a condition which is called IAS: Inductive Amnesia Syndrome. We see him and our eyes see that we see him but something goes wrong with the memory and the brain communication and we forget that we saw him. Like women forget the pain of childbirth. 

Film Critic Sorohan Shanks was less forgiving:

It’s like they taken a huge bucket filled with liquid turd and they just ladled in a bit more turd.