HOLLYWOOD – Following the foray into art house esoterica that was Pain and Gain, Michael Bay returns to a comfort zone with Transformers: Age of Extinction in which big toys smash things while the brightest minds of the human race try to make Mark Wahlberg look witty.

This week we were granted a first glimpse of what delights the film might hold and the verdict is unsurprising: it looks shit. 

Whereas the first three Transformers films were known for their nuanced characterisation and stunning special effects, it looks like the fourth instalment is going with a far more low-fi approach. Forensic semiotics expert Javier Goh reports:

I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m not going to be parting with my well-earned cash to see Michael Bay menace Nicola Peltz with a large fluorescent rake. Even if he does have weirdly blond hair. Where are the robots turning into cars? Where are the huge city destroying battles? And Mark Wahlberg? The only actor on the planet who can make you hanker after the line readings of Shia La Beouf!

Although harsh there is undoubted evidence that Javier’s opinions are entirely justified. Even if some Transformitons (as fans of the series prefer to be known) argue that the film will in fact be ‘okay’ and ‘not absolutely without merit’.

Transformers: Age of Extinction will be released in 2015.