WILL SMITH’S MIND IS BROKEN

HOLLYWOOD – Will Smith today spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about how his mind was broken following the release of After Earth.

How’re you feeling today, Will Smith?

It’s my mind, Dave. It’s going. I can feel it. I can feel it.

When did this happen?

All my films must be number one for me to feel properly validated. And yet After Earth was so boring I fell asleep while I was making it. I would just drift through scenes. I was lying down a lot and I talk in my sleep so we managed to ADR a lot of the dialogue. I don’t know what happened. It’s not as if Hitch was this masterpiece. Or I am Legend for that matter. But After Earth… They abandoned me.

Who do you blame?

Squirrels mainly. Vicious little rodents. Why are they hiding the nuts? What’s so special about the nuts they need to hide them? When did they become so untrusting?

The squirrels?

Oh and my son. He betrayed me. I thought Jaden could act, but the boy cannot act. He’s like a mini-me, but without me, just the mini. He said afterwards… this is very hard. He came up to me afterwards and said ‘I’m sorry dad, truly I am.’

That’s…

Totally unconvincing. I didn’t believe it for a second and if he can’t sell it to me, how’s he going to sell it to them. The public, the audience. Jackie Chan said it best when he said ‘Get that little asshole away from me.’

So what’s next for Will Smith?

I can sing you a song ‘Daisy Daisy give me your answer do, I’m half crazy all for the love of you.’

That’s lovely. Um. Final question. Is there any truth to the rumor that you’re becoming a Scientologist?

Hey! I might be crazy, but I’m not stupid.

Will Smith will next be appearing in M. Night Shyamalan’s new film Ding Dong.

M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN SIGNS ON FOR ‘TWISTER’

ATHENS – Famed ‘genius’ and ‘film’ ‘director’ M. Night Shyamalan is looking to rescue the twisted wreckage of his career after After Earth with a new project, which seeks to combine a commercially viable idea with his penchant for a certain trade mark narrative technique.

Following on from the massive success of Battleship and There Will Be BloodTwister is the latest popular game (this time from MB Games) to get a big screen conversion and Shyamalan hopes that it will save him from twin dollops such as The Happening and The Last Airbender.

The game – which involves placing hands and feet (and in the Bangkok version sexual organs) on different colored circles at the whimsical behest of a spinning arrow controlled by a laughing idiot – does not immediately suggest a narrative, but Shyamalan is both optimistic and desperately unhappy.

I think this is a marriage made in heaven between my films and the game. On the one hand you have an inane, truly ridiculous series of contortions which will inevitably collapse to the sound of derisive laughter and on the other you have the game, Twister.  

Twister will be released in 2015 and will star Will and Jandapus Smith.

REMAKE WATCH: CITIZEN KANE














HOLLYWOOD – Today it was announced that Baz Luhrmann is set to direct a remake of Orson Welles’ classic Citizen Kane. The Aussie director is said to be looking forward to the challenge.

Finally, I get to sort this mess of a film out now I’ve finished fixing Gatsby. First of all, the problem with Citizen Kane is that it’s boring. It’s in black and white and the soundtrack stinks. But I can sort that all out, I’ll get my mates Jay-Z and Will.I.Am to do the music. we’ll shoot in 3D, and in color for Christ’s sake. I had similar problems with The Great Gatsby, it was all just words and characters and shit, so I just focused on the partying for the movie version and I think it’s better for it.

Luhrmann will also be changing Charles Foster Kane from a newspaper publisher to a more contemporary businessman. Will Smith will play the character in this update, as a multimillionaire record producer who throws parties every weekend, with son Jaden playing him as a boy. Jada Pinkett Smith will play both Kane’s first wife, Emily, and long-suffering second wife, Susan. Tobey Maguire has signed up to play the role of Jedediah Leland, the best friend of Charles Foster Kane and co-producer at Rosebud Records.

Will Smith told the Studio Exec’s Hank Eisenstein why he decided to take on this project.

I don’t think the public are aware of this as I keep this close to my chest, but it makes me truly happy when it’s not just me in the family earning the dough, so I like to get jobs for my wife and kids. Baz’s ideas for this film are just crazy, and I mean in a Wild Wild West and After Earth kinda crazy, in the fact that nobody expected these films to get made, but I’m like, challenge accepted. Unfortunately, Willow can’t be involved in the project as I have her recording three albums and writing a script for the I Robot musical I’m planning.


Citizen Kane 3D will premiere in Cannes in 2015

SHYAMALAN REVEALS NEW TWIST: ‘I’M NOT THE NEXT SPIELBERG’

What?




HOLLYWOOD—Last week, the question as to why She’s All That was one of the worst teen comedies ever made was answered. It turns out After Earth director M. Night Shyamalan ghost-wrote the screenplay while he was supposed to be concentrating exclusively on the Stuart Little script.


Though no one asked him to confirm this, Shyamalan is trying to not be forgotten amidst his new film tanking at the box office and now being buried under the Man of Steel and This is the End.

But that’s not the only famous Shyamalan twist ending. His new twist? He doesn’t exist—at least not in the way we always thought.


What?



The organization, T. W. I. S. T. held a press conference last night to reveal that Indian-American Shyamalan was not the creator of any of the turgid suspense films that followed his debut The Sixth Sense. They revealed Shayamalan to be the puppet of action filmmaker Michael Bay hoping to spread his artistic wings.

“Bay knew that no one would ever take him seriously and that’s why he paid Shyamalan millions to keep quiet,” says John Dover, of T. W. I. S. T. “That an Academy Award nominee could have possibly made those terrible movies? I couldn’t believe it.”

The hoax went well for years; Bay was mildly successful with Unbreakable and Signs. But when The Villagecaused audience blindness in Arizona, Dover and the sceptics knew they had a hoax. The final straw came with 2010’s The Last Airbender, which is the only film that the Library of Congress has made a point of saying is not “culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant” and would never place in the U. S. National Film Registry.

“I mean, we don’t say that to every bad movie, but The Last Airbender was a special case,” confessed Max Hallman, a representative for the Library of Congress.


The real M. Night Shyamalan, who has admitted his role in the hoax, could not be reached for comment though Mr. Bay is said to be slouching toward Bethlehem again in an attempt to beg forgiveness of the Almighty. When the Almighty was questioned, He quipped “After Earth at least had some ambition, but Pain and Gain was a steaming turd of a movie.”

AFTER EARTH: REVIEW

Morning at the Smith’s


INT. THE SMITH FAMILY’S PALATIAL HOLLYWOOD MANSION.


WILL SMITH sits alone at the breakfast table. He is eating a healthy, balanced meal and reading Variety. His son, JADEN SMITH, enters.

JADEN
Dad, I want to make a movie with you.

WILL
But we already made one, son. Why you want to be making another movie with your old man?

[WILL laughs, heartily.]



JADEN

Yeah, I know. But this time, I want to make a fun, adventure movie! Something really, really cool that all my friends in school will be jealous of!

WILL

Hmmm. Well, how about a science fiction movie? My friend Tom gave me some great books recently and I think I might have an idea…

JADEN

That sounds so COOL, dad.

WILL

Okay. How about a story where the earth has been evacuated due to man’s environmental recklessness? We could illustrate this by showing the montage from the end of On Deadly Ground at the very start of the movie. All of humanity has since relocated to a new planet, where life is perfect, except for the odd attack by unconvincing CGI beasts. And I could play a humorless, po-faced Space Ranger who doesn’t feel fear and kills these CGI beasts with a double-ended blade.


JADEN

Wow! Yeah, dad! And I could play his humorless, po-faced son, who is desperately seeking his father’s approval and wants to be an emotionless Space Ranger too!

WILL

And what if my character realizes that he hasn’t spent enough time with his family and decides to retire? But before doing so, he agrees to go on ONE FINAL MISSION, and for no reason whatsoever takes his son along with him.

JADEN

And then our ship could be damaged in, like, an asteroid storm or something, and could then conveniently crash-land on planet earth, which is now only inhabited by an assortment of unconvincing CGI beasts!

WILL 

Great idea son! And maybe we could have been carrying a highly dangerous CGI beast on board our ship too and we don’t know if it has escaped or not!

JADEN

And we could amazingly be the sole survivors of the crash! But you have broken both your legs in the impact so I have to set off alone on a dangerous quest to retrieve the distress beacon which has been deposited about 100 kilometers away and is our only hope of being rescued!

WILL

Great idea, son. And I could use the technology available to track and guide you on your journey and warn you of any incoming unconvincing CGI beasts.


JADEN

Yeah! And I could wear a really cool suit and fight off the unconvincing CGI beasts with a double-ended blade in an effort to become just like my dad! And I’d take up most of the screen time even though I have none of the charm, presence or charisma of my father.

WILL

That sounds great, son. Maybe I could get that guy, M. Night Shamalamadingdong to direct. He made the hit movies The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable and Signs and he has a great track record when it comes to working with child actors.

JADEN

But didn’t he also make Lady in the Water, The Happening and The Last Airbender?

WILL
Let’s focus on the positives, son.

JADEN

Okay, dad.

WILL

And once the film is made, we can do the talk show circuit together and show everyone how cool we are and what a great father-son team we make. So then when we tell people how great our movie is and they should see it – they’ll believe us!

JADEN

But…dad…what if the movie is no good and it bombs at the box office?

WILL

That’s doesn’t matter son…we get paid anyway!


They high five each other.







THE END

STEPHEN HAWKING’S EMAIL TO WILL AND JADEN SMITH

Following their recent interview with the New York Magazine, Will and Jaden Smith – the father and son thespian philosophy outfit which has taken the world by light drizzle – today received an email from leading scientist and brain box Stephen Hawking. The STUDIO EXEC has stolen that email and is publishing it in full, below the jump:

Dear Will and Jaden,

 I do not usually write emails of this nature – being more interested in stars of the Andromeda nebula than stars of Hollywood (heh heh) – but I read with great interest your interview in New York Magazine (CLICK HERE). Your combined grasp of physics and mathematics and your vision of what you quite correctly call ‘patterns’ astounded me and I was moved to put pen to paper (it’s a bit more complicated than that for me but you get the idea). I write to you today to beseech you, to plead with you, to beg you: give up acting and devote yourselves full time to thinking about stuff. 

I know, I know. The Pursuit of Happyness changed the cinematic universe forever and Smith Père has revolutionized entertainment with The Wild Wild West, but the world will find its trinkets and bedazzlement elsewhere. Imagine if you will, if Albert Einstein, who according to all accounts was a top class patents clerk, had decided to devote himself to that and had not pursued his own visions. He too, Jaden would have agreed wholeheartedly with you, when you said: ‘It’s beyond mathematical. It’s, like, multidimensional mathematical, if you can sort of understand what I’m saying.’ You reminded me so much of a young me.

 The theory of everything has long been a goal of mine and was a goal of dear Albert. I fear it is beyond us old men. But not you. The world will survive quite well without a Men in Black 4, or indeed a Karate Kid 2 (we already have several, and by the way what was Karate doing in China?), but armed as you are with a full knowledge of how the leading actor Oscar is handed out (patterns!), the way the sun comes up with surprising regularity (patterns again!!), I believe it will be as easy as eating a jammy doughnut for you boys to solve the deepest riddles known to the study of existence (I’m guessing patterns will come into it!!!)

 Best Wishes


Stephen Hawkings. 

PS: Is Another Earth the dog muck everyone else seems to think it is? 

AFTER EARTH: TRAILER REVIEW

Muhammad Ali and son crash land on the set of a low budget remake of Avatar. Will Smith channels the voice of his father Morgan Freeman, providing psuedo philosophical narration over scenes of bad CGI that look like they were designed by a novice with no thumbs on a BBC Acorn computer.


Ali’s son jumps off fake cliffs, runs with fake zebras and fends off fake baboons. Having had little success of late revealing his obligatory twist. Shylaman gives the game away in the trailer which should carry the warning ‘Do not operate heavy machinery whilst watching this crap’.

Another mangy offering from the increasingly spineless Smith who wouldn’t recognise a meaty roll if it was smeared in mustard and rammed up his ass. Shylaman, who has long since been forsaken by the muses, once again proves that you don’t have to have talent to get your film financed. You just need a stupid name and Spielberg’s telephone number. Failing that a washed up Hollywood star who will take the role as long as his own kid can be in it too. 

The trailer equivalent of ten years of incessant solvent abuse.


M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN REVEALS LATEST TWIST: HIS WHOLE CAREER

HOLLYWOOD – Famed thriller director M. Night Shyamalan has revealed his latest twist but it isn’t for a movie, it’s for his entire career.

M. Night Shyamalan has revealed that there was a reason for the critical failure of his last few films as he spoke about his new film After Earth, starring the family Smith and due out in 2013.

‘I sat down when I was starting out my career and plotted it like I would a film,’ said The Airbender as he prefers to be called. ‘I start with some good movies: The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable and even Signs. Then here comes The Village which is like a swerve ball. People suddenly go woah! what’s this?’

M. Night is laughing so hard he can’t speak. ‘Oh, dear,’ he gasps. ‘Then I do The Happening which I completely Wahlberg, and people are like, is this the same guy? Then the Giametti one, I can’t even remember what it was called. Then Airbender which puked like Justin Bieber on the original series. And that’s it, right? Reputation well and truly in tatters? And then comes After Earth and bang. He’s got game. The twist ending. Good director becomes shitty and then boom back again. And you’re on your back.’

Shyamalan claims he modelled his career on the story of Cinderella Man. However, Roger Ebert has pointed out that Ron Howard’s boxing film came out in 2005 and Shyamalan ‘was already making us collectively eat his shit sandwiches in 1998 with the mercifully forgotten Rosie O’Donnell comedy Wide Awake.’