AFI ERASING JON VOIGHT

BREAKING NEWS – The AFI erasing Jon Voight from every film he has appeared in stems from his right wing defamatory comments released in videos over the last few years.

AFI ERASING JON VOIGHT – CANCEL CULTURE CLUB?

The controversial move came just hours after Voight released another right rambling video, demanding President Biden is impeached. Previous videos from the actor stated his support for Trump’s widespread election fraud baseless claims and ‘leftists’ were in league with Satan. The new AFI Chairperson, Pauly Shore said, “Look, we can’t put up with this kind of shit any longer. Yeah, yeah, freedom of speech, blah, blah. But come one, there’s limits. He’s just peddling conspiracy gibberish that’s triggering fuckwit fascists around the country. This shit has to stop.

AU REVOIR VOIGHT

We have taken the decision to basically remove this mother fucker from every film he’s ever been in. Ground-breaking new CGI technology means we have been able to remove his presence from any film he ever appeared in. To be honest, the results were even more positive than we’d hoped for.

TOM CRUISE RUNNING – NO CHANGE THERE

Runaway Train will now be about two people who are victims of mechanical failure on a train. Mission Impossible will be Tom Cruise running around looking confused for no reason, so no real change there. Coming Home will be a rom-com where Jane Fonda is obsessed with an empty wheelchair and falls in love with Bruce Dern, which is kinda nice. The Odessa file will be about a bunch of Nazis who eventually turn themselves in. And finally The Champ will now just be about a kid who gets really upset by a shadow boxing performance artist.

THE INVISIBLE MAN

Luckily, he’s done fuck all that anyone would want to see for the last 20 years, so we don’t even have to bother with anything modern. Seriously, who gives shit? Am I right? Am I right? We’ll put the films out as a box set, just to serve as a warning to any fucking celeb idiots out there. This shit will not stand, man.

THE ALT-VOIGHT BOX SET WILL SHORTLY BE AVAILABLE ONLINE

PAULY SHORE IS NEW AFI PRESIDENT

HOLLYWOOD – Pauly Shore is to replace Bob Gazzale as AFI president.

The American Film Institute announce President Bob Gazzale, is to stand down. Pauly Shore will replace him as president.

“We are happy to welcome Mr Shore on board,” said Gazzale in a statement. “Pauly encapsulates the cultural zeitgeist of the nation. He will spearhead a new phase for the Institute in engaging the art of film with the American public, remaining relevant and cutting edge at the same time. I will stay in my role as CEO, leading the operational side of the Institute. And in no way see this as a negative comment from the directors and trustees on my tenure.”

Star of such American classics as, “California Man”, “Jury Duty” and “Bio-Dome”, Pauly said he was: “Really friggin’ stoked man to be joining these dudes, they got a sh*t ton of green and I am making plenty dollar!”

Under the lockdown, Mr Shore will deliver his inaugural lecture online for all AFI members and students. Entitled, “Snitches Get Stitches”, Mr Shore voices his concerns with certain actors, producers and directors over his years in the business for ‘dissing him and startin’ beef when they ain’t all that anyhow.’ He will also look to announce his new initiative, ‘The Stephen Baldwin Documentary Foundation’. It will grant funding to young inner city documentary makers. It includes a 20% kick-back on the grant and 5 points on any profits made going to Mr Shore.

More on this story as it comes in.