RUSSELL CROWE TO STAR IN NEW BILLY JOEL MUSICAL

NEW JERSEY – Rob Marshall is to direct a forthcoming musical rock opera featuring Russell Crowe as the legendary singer-songwriter Billy Joel.

We didn’t Start the Fire tells the story of a trio of dishonest pyromaniacs, and will feature performances from Hugh Jackman, Russell Crowe and Danny DeVito.

Crowe’s character, Billy Pole, plays piano at a joint where people ‘sit at the bar and put money in the jar and say man what are you doing here?’ but he just goes ‘lar-didi-dar-didi-dar’.

His pyro buddy Minko (played by Jackman) falls in love with Rachel Weiz’s fire chief and they duet on ‘Don’t Go Changing (to Try and Please Me)’. Meanwhile, DeVito provides comic relief as Hardy Har-Har, the insurance salesman who seeks to profit by his and his friend’s proclivities, while advising Minko to ‘Tell Her About It’ and proclaiming to police detective Ruce Stinksteen (Adrien Brody) that he is ‘An Innocent Man’.

Russell Crowe spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

It was great finally meeting Billy. He’s been a hero of mine ever since An Innocent Man. Boy that was a great album. We had him in at every stage of production. We sent him the first script and he said ‘Don’t go changing, to try and please me’, sang it actually, then we showed him the dailies and he sang it again and then at one of the first previews. At that point it was getting a little bit old.

Commenting on the film, DeVito said:

It’s f*cking awful but I need the money and my life is going to shit anyway.

We didn’t Start the Fire will be released in 2017. 

TERRENCE MALICK’S NEW FILM INSPIRED BY SON ZAYN MALIK

HOLLYWOOD – Terrence Malick’s new film The Singer Stepped Out is directly influenced by the career of his son Zayn Malik who recently left the ‘pop’ group One Direction.

The garrulous filmmaker and director of such films as The Thin Red Line and The Tree of Life Terrence Malick is to make a new film based on his son Zayn Malik’s singing career. Malick spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the venture:

It is going to be unlike anything I’ve ever done before. It’s not going to have a voice-over! And it’s actually a musical. But all that aside, it’s just great to have an opportunity to work with Zayn after years of being estranged.

What was the cause of the estrangement?

Well, I have always been a genius film director, but I guess I wasn’t always the best father in the world. I used to whisper a lot to him about nature and the soul and I guess kids just want to play Nintendo and have fun. For a while there he was very angry. So much so he even changed the way he spelled his name to a new trendy fashion without the ‘c’, but his career took off and we would find ourselves booked on the same talk shows.

Who had the idea?

We both came to a juncture in our careers. To the Wonder and Knight of Cups were greeted by audiences with the same warmth as you’d get offering urine samples in champagne flutes. Zayn had left One Direction and was at a loose end and we got talking about his career and we said why not? I think it’s going to be groovy to see our two audiences come together. Many of whom don’t even know we’re related. Zayn will play himself and Val Kilmer is on board to play Ryan Gosling. Ryan Gosling is playing Natalie Portman and Natalie Portman is playing Christian Bale. Mickey Rourke, Rachel Weisz and Adrien Brody are in it as well but we’ll cut them out. We always do. It’s kind of a tradition

Will any other One Direction members participate in the film?

That sack of talentless shits! No way.

The Singer Stepped Out will be released in 2019.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON BLASTS FURY

HOLLYWOOD – Avengers star Samuel L. Jackson has criticized David Ayer’s new film Fury after all his scenes were cut from the World War 2 tank warfare drama.

The Pulp Fiction star seethed EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

I was on for this film so much. But David Ayer and Brad Pitt showed me zero respect. No one even sent me the script! I had to get a motherf*cking script myself from a Goddamned website. And when I read it, I couldn’t even find my part. I got that it was time travel thing. That was groovy. Captain America shit, I thought, okay, I’m down with that. But where am I?

So what did you do?

I just wrote myself into it.

You wrote your own part?

In felt tip pen motherf*cker! Absolutely. I wrote all my speeches, bits where I get like badass angry and righteous. It was all amazing. I mean I can do this shit in my sleep. Then I turned up on location and just got into it. Brad and Shia and all those guys were all in costume and they were like really surprised to see me. But I paid them no mind – they were just trying to throw me – and I got on with my scene. Nailing it. Again and again.

Are you sure you were supposed to be in the movie?

Of course, I was in the movie. I was the Goddamned star of the movie. Anyone try grappling with me I’d knock them over with a Goddamned glare. Everyone came round to my way of thinking soon enough. David would do some takes with me in them, told me to do what I want. Then he told me, for an exercise, they’d do some scenes without me as well. I didn’t see the point but the guy’s young so I said like whatever. I’ll be in my trailer. I go so the motherf*cking movie last Tuesday and I’m nowhere to be seen. That asshole took me out completely. I’d been Adrien Brody-ed!

Fury is on general release.

WES ANDERSON RUSHED TO HOSPITAL SUFFERING FROM QUIRK OVERDOSE

NEW YORK – Wes Anderson in possible quirk overdose.

The Royal Tenenbaums and Moonrise Kingdom director, Wes Anderson was rushed to the Cedar Pines intensive care unit on Long Island in the early hours of Sunday morning, suffering from an overdose of quirk.

Anderson had apparently been working on his new film The Grand Budapest Hotel which stars Edward Norton, Adrien Brody, Owen Wilson, Tilda Swinton, Ralph Fiennes, Jude Law, Soairse Ronan, F. Murray Abraham, Bob Balaban, Jason Schwartzman and Bill Murray, as a sadly hilarious figure.

Production Assistant Jennifer Tulls witnessed the director’s collapse:

We were filming a cross section of the hotel and in every room one of the characters is doing something unexpectedly weird and at the same time wryly amusing: someone’s painting Shetland ponies with blue stripes, Willem Dafoe is wearing a monocle and teaching Polish children the flute, someone else is making a pyramid of champagne glasses and Bill Murray is being a sadly hilarious figure. All of a sudden Wes just kind of started to vibrate.  

Bill Murray earlier today

The Syd Barrett song that was playing on the soundtrack was switched off and Mr. Anderson was briefly exposed to a newspaper, detailing growing tensions between Israel and Syria. ‘He seemed to be coming round but then Tilda Swinton leant over to ask how he was and he keeled over again,’ Ms. Tulls said.
The hospital issued a statement saying that:

Mr. Anderson is recovering from levels of quirkiness well above the maximum that the human body can tolerate. It is apparent that he has been taking a very high dosage for a sustained period of time. However, he is young and strong and should be able to make a full recovery provided he relents from people talking directly to camera, stories within stories, a mix tape soundtrack and Bill Murray playing a sadly hilarious character.

The French Dispatch out soon.

MALICK’S BOND FILM GETS A TITLE

HOLLYWOODTerrence Malick‘s Bond film – previously known as Bond 25 – has now got an official title: The Glory Glory Hallelujah Missile.

The film will star Daniel Craig as Britain’s most feared super spy, James Bond, 007. Music will be provided by Estonian minimalist Arvo Part and the story will revolve around 007 sudden crisis of faith which he will only be able to rekindle by his relationship with a beautiful dancing woman who whispers about nature and reads from a brilliant translation of Heidegger.

The villain is to be played by Adrien Brody but it is unlikely that he will actually appear in the finished picture.

James Bond Vs Godzilla is due for release in 2015.