SHARON STONE AND GLENN CLOSE TO STAR IN BASIC ATTRACTION

HOLLYWOOD – Glenn Close and Sharon Stone are to star in Basic Attraction.

Whether its boiling the bunny or flashing the beaver, Sharon Stone and Glenn Close owned illicit sex in the eighties and nineties. Now they’re back with a mash up of their successful movies Fatal Attraction from 1987 and Basic Instinct from 1992. Screenwriter Joe Eszterhas explained the project to a sceptical Studio Exec:

You liked Alien? You liked Predator? Okay, so you get Alien Vs Predator and you get a movie that is twice as good as either, am I right?

Er… No. 

So we were talking me and Glenn and Sharon and we thought wouldn’t it be funny if we put Catherine Tramell and Alex in a film together and see what happens. They are both versions of female sexuality that for some reason threatened men. It’s weird. Overwhelmingly it is women who are the victims of sexual violence, but we keep making these femme fatale movies. It’s almost as if our jobs were to demonize the victims and skew the world so that the people who are responsible don’t ever have to face up to it. Anyway, they said, it’d be fun and so we’re going to do it.

Who’s directing?sharon stone

Adrian Lyne is going to do direct the first half and Paul Verhoeven is coming in to finish off.

What’s the story?

Catherine is writing a novel about Alex but Alex comes back to life and so they hunt down Michael Douglas in order to get their revenge.

So Michael Douglas is involved as well?

He doesn’t know yet. But yes he’s involved. And so are his pets.

Basic Attraction will be released in 2018.

MARK ZUCKERBERG FUNDS KANYE WEST’S NEW MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Kanye West has secured funding for a new movie that he has written and will direct from none other than Mark Zuckerberg who is also expected to appear int he rapper’s new film.

Everyone knows that Kanye West is an irritating asshole who occasionally release records. But what many don’t know is that he has scripted a remake of Fatal Attraction which he plans to make with money provided by Mark Zuckerberg and which will star the Facebook mogul and the hip hop genius in the roles which made Michael Douglas and Glenn Close household names.  Kanye West had issued a request via his twitter feed directly to the tech billionaire.kanye

 

Early Monday morning  Kanye West posted a statement to the world press which read:

Mark Zuckerberg has heard the call in the desert. He is a John the Baptist who has seen the dove flying above my head.  I told him I needed complete creative control. And he told me it is you who should ask me if I have complete creative control for you are truly the Son of God and possibly the next but one President of the United States of America. With this money I will remake an eighties thriller and I will be the stalker and Mark will be the unwitting victim and everyone will watch and say ‘This is sooooo Meta, it makes Zoolander 2 look like Zoolander one.’

The original Fatal Attraction was directed by Adrian Lyne in 1987 and made pots of money.

Kanye West’s Fatal Attraction will be released in 2017.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

DORIS DAY RETURNS TO ACTING


LOS ANGELES – Hollywood legend Doris Day confirmed this morning that she will make her acting comeback playing Mickey Rourke’s love interest in Adrian Lyne’s 91 ½ Years.


I’ve been offered so many roles over the past four decades but I was busy running my dog sanctuary, [said a bubbly Day.]

I almost came out of retirement to play the Sharon Stone role in Basic Instinct but they were filming on the days I go to my knitting circle and David Lynch begged me to take the lead in Mullholland Drive but unfortunately I was undergoing hip replacement surgery.

Day confessed she almost turned down the role in Lyne’s erotic thriller but the casting of Mickey Rourke convinced her to accept.

I’ve always admired Mickey. He’s such a professional and it’s always been a fantasy of mine to make love to him on screen. Sure the years haven’t been kind and his face looks like a blind cobbler’s thumb but during our sex scenes I closed my eyes and imagined the pretty boy he once was.

Day went on to say that Lyne was concerned he was tarnishing her wholesome image

Adrian asked if I wanted a body double but I said to hell with it. If you don’t mind bits of me flapping about then let’s make the scenes as realistic as possible. I admit I’m not as naturally limber as I once was after a spoonful of cod liver oil and some light stretching, I’m as flexible as a rhythmic gymnast.     

91 ½ Years is due for release in 2014

CANTERBURY TALES: 9 ½ Weeks


CANTERBURY – Our latest addition to the team is the newly appointed Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby. Not only does the Archbishop enjoy praying, reading the bible and polishing candlesticks. He also has an unquenchable zeal for cinematic sex scenes. 

Over the next month or so he will be pontificating from his pulpit about all manner of film related filth beginning with Adrian Lyne’s erotic classic 9 ½ Weeks:

Greetings Film Lovers

Let’s be honest, who didn’t have several exceptional wanks over Kim Basinger in the 1980s? 

I might be a man of the cloth now but back then that cloth was sodden with the fruit of my lust and Basinger was the greengrocer. I wore out at least six copies of 9 ½ Weeks on VHS and three remote controls and yet to this day I have never seen the entire film from beginning to end.

People always talk about the fridge scene where whispering Mickey Rourke ice cubes Kim’s nipples and dangles his cherries in her mouth, but that kind of food play doesn’t float my Ark . It’s the alleyway. The raw, passionate sex in the rain that really stiffens my St Christopher. Kim’s bountiful breasts spilling out of her dirty vest top as she grinds her dripping gusset into Mickey’s munching mouth. The way I see it if God hadn’t wanted me to pleasure myself repeatedly over those images, he wouldn’t have invented the slow motion button which we all know has no other fathomable use aside from prolonging sex scenes!

Anyway chaps, I’ve got a religion to run and I’m off for a fish supper with the Queen. Next time around I’ll be discussing Peter Greenaway’s The Cook, The Thief, His Wife,and her Lover, starring the delicious Helen Mirren. She might be an old bird these days but I’d be all over her like locusts on Egypt.

Farewell.