ADELE: ‘PEOPLE VIDEO MY CONCERTS GET HANDS CHOPPED OFF’

HOLLYWOOD – Pop star Adele has promised that she will chop off the hands of anyone who she finds videoing her concerts on their mobile devices.

Everyone knows that Rolling in the Deep singer Adele doesn’t like people videoing her concerts but now it seems she is willing to go a little further in discouraging her fans from ‘not being in the moment’. Issuing a press release earlier today, the pop diva had this to say:

I want people to enjoy my music. I want them to come to my concerts and actually be there. Be mindful of the now. And so I have hired a security firm from Mexico and if they catch you filming my performance at my concert then they will take the offending limb.

Although radical, hand amputation is nothing new in the world of pop. Rock journalist Hampton Basheer told the Studio Exec:

This is a swing back to the Eighties when video cameras first began to appear. Freddie Mercury was dead against it and so Queen had a bunch of men with machetes watching the crowd. I remember going backstage once and finding this pile of arms right next to the cocaine. It was most upsetting, but it worked. No one saw a Queen concert except via the official Queen films.

Adele will be touring throughout 2016.

ADELE TO FIGHT BOB GELDOF

LONDON – In light of accusations that she refused to take part in the recording of  Band Aid 30’s godforsaken assault on the song ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas’, Adele has released a statement offering to fight Bob Geldof with all proceeds of the bout going to charity:

“That floppy haired c*nt has been calling me a slag for not doing his f*cking record. I’m going to break his f*cking teeth if he has the balls to get in the ring with me,”  said the celebrated soul songstress.

I’ve hired out Wembley stadium for tonight and I’ll be there at eight o’ clock on the f*cking dot. If people want to come down it’s a tenner a ticket and in case that f*cking dickhead doesn’t turn up we’ve got a grizzly bear on standby for me to scrap with. You’re gonna see some claret whatever happens so get your f*cking arses to the show and let’s raise some money for Oxfam.

Bob Geldof was unavailable for comment but his spokesperson Ari Goldsmith issued the following statement:

Mr Geldof is always willing to sacrifice his body and soul for the greater good and would be willing to take up Adele’s offer to help raise money for a worthy cause. However, it is a matter of record that that he doesn’t like Mondays and being a superstitious man, he has decided not to fight this evening.

You can make a donation to Oxfam CLICK here.

MR AND MRS GEORGE CLOONEY ACCIDENTALLY SINK VENICE

VENICE – Newly weds George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin accidentally sank Venice yesterday when George left the taps running in their hotel bathroom as the two went out for brunch with their friends.

Ms. Alamuddin was wearing a Giambattista Valli Couture dress to complement her platinum wedding ring when they met guest at the Cipriani Hotel for food and drinks. Meanwhile back at the Aman Grand Canal Hotel the bathroom was filling with water and the water was leaking into other rooms causing the 15th century palazzo to subside. This set off a chain effect in neighboring structures and before long the whole quarter of the city was compromised. George, wearing a classic Armani suit and Police sunglasses, greeted fans and reporters with his trademark smile by Valentino. Eating antipasti prepared by the award winning chef, Carlo Ancellotti, the beautiful and glamorous A-listers mingled as the sound of falling masonry and terrified screaming could be heard in the distance.

‘We knew something was going on when we heard the sirens and the helicopters, but we were all having such a good time,’ said one guest, Mad Men’s John Hamm. ‘George and Amal have waited so long for this day we didn’t want anyone to spoil it.’

As the world heritage site rapidly began to resemble a latter day Atlantis, the weekend celebrations continued into the early evening, featuring music from friend and guest Adele. The party was really beginning to rock when some bleeding and half drowned survivors swam to the hotel, but were denied access because their names were not on the guest list.

As the stars came out in the Venetian sky, the newly weds gave a charming farewell to their friends and family and prepared to depart for an undisclosed location for their honeymoon.  The death toll currently stands at four thousand.

 

MIRROR, MIRROR, ON THE WALL; WHO’S THE BIGGEST WHORE OF ALL?


“Does Art mirror Life, or is it the other way around?” is the question framed in one form or another by columnists with a deadline to meet and no cutesey, self-referential anecdotes about how Downton Abbey or something relates to their worthless, parasitic lives.  Let us put this matter to rest – at least as far as this corner of Cyberspace is concerned: ART MIRRORS LIFE.  There; I said it.  

The earliest known art-form – cave-paintings – depicted people hunting and the like: was that the spur that got Homo Sapiens off their hairy arses and picking up spears?  Of course it wasn’t; it was the representation of something that was already going on – and so it goes.  No hominid Moral Majority scratched their heads and expressed concern that these images would inspire a wave of copy-cat mammoth murder; they were simply reflections of about the only noteworthy activity in which our forebears indulged – pictures of people shivering in caves and starving to death might have been awfully poignant, but they wouldn’t put bums on rocks…

The people that make film and TV know this of course; you only need the slightest high-school massacre to have them spewing it at any camera put in front of them; but are the media’s “reflections” always accurate?

In a word: no.  They know that people prefer to see themselves at their very best than as they actually are: clever without being a nerd; concerned and thoughtful, yet not so much so that they don’t enjoy a laugh, now and then; well-rounded, in short – the type of guy or gal than anybody would want to hang out with.  Thus the films and shows that represent these qualities are laden with Oscars and Golden Globes; with Emmys and those lopsided BAFTA faces.

More people might have watched Here Comes The Boom than watched Black Mirror – but you can be damned sure that Charlie Brooker is going to get more wear out of his tux than Kevin James will (sweaty girth notwithstanding) when gong-time rolls around.  Similarly, while Skyfall continues to have millions queueing for vicarious, misogynistic crypto-Fascism, it looks like Lincoln and Les Mis will do rather better* in terms of trophies.

Yes; Art might mirror Life, but the Arts/Entertainment establishment don’t want us to have to really see ourselves for what we are: instead, the Awards shows’ glass shows us as good-humoured, compassionate connoisseurs of the best and brightest the Arts have to offer rather than a bloodthirsty mob of sentiment-drenched, viscerally-guided cretins with the unshaven face and yellowed eyes of somebody who’s been up all night trying to imagine what Megan Fox looks like while taking a shit. Ultimately, the baubles are unimportant: thanks to their shameless pandering, we are always the real winners.

*The Adele theme-song’s success illustrates this perfectly: it’s “classier” than pure pop, without being “difficult” like Opera or Classical.


Words by The Silver Fox
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DANIEL CRAIG: NEXT BOND FILM COULD BE MUSICAL

Seemed drunk

LONDON – Daniel Craig hinted today at a radical change in direction for the Bond franchise. ‘I’d like to sing,’ he told stunned reporters. ‘If you think about it, 007 has always had this musical side to him, with all the Bond songs,  and some great musicians working on the films, and Adele.’

Michael G. Wilson, who – along with Barbara Broccoli – controls the creative direction of the multimillion dollar film series, said that Craig’s idea was ‘interesting’, but his intonation went up at the end of the word as if to make it into a question.
‘Bond could go in many different directions,’ Wilson said. ‘I’d never, to be honest, thought of it as a musical but I don’t know. Maybe. But… No probably not. No. Actually definitely no.’
Bono and the Edge have already volunteered to score a possible musical that they have called License to Sing! Edge has already written an overture and three songs. ‘I don’t think much about them,’ said Edge in an Irish accent. ‘I just churn them out.’
To the assembled journalists, Craig launched into a series of songs with a surprisingly robust baritone, starting with Jane’s Addiction and ‘Been Caught Stealing’ and ended with a sublime version of ‘This Corrosion’ by The Sisters of Mercy.

ADELE’S SKYFALL SONG BLAMED FOR TRAFFIC ACCIDENTS

Adele often falls asleep on stage

LONDON – Radio play of Adele’s new Skyfall song, the theme song to the new James Bond movie Skyfall, (by the way there’s a new James Bond film coming out called Skyfall) has been blamed for a series of car accidents around the country.

Gerry Ogden was driving home from work when the song came on. ‘My eyes began to close and limbs felt heavy,’ Gerry said. ‘Next thing I knew I’d ploughed into an ice cream van that was parked on the side of the road.’ Fortunately, only the driver of the ice cream van was killed.

Madga Scriss said she was just listening to the lyrics about the sky falling and crumbling and was so confused by the contortions of sense and grammar she drove into a skip and was launched through the windscreen followed by somnambulant tones of the English singer.

Over forty seven separate incidents have cited the song as a major factor, although the police remain unsympathetic. ‘They were all drunk,’ said traffic policeman Al Jonks.

Adele responded to the news by laughing her head off.