CANNES MUST SEE LIST

CANNES 2022 – The Studio Exec Cannes Must See List is as much a part of the festival as Lars Von Trier making a dick of himself or paying 6000Euros to stay in a broom closet that smells of piss. Let us guide you through the must-see events and highlights of this year’s festival. Trip the light fantastic with our Cannes Must See List.

No Cannes Boo!

No trip to Cannes would be complete without a boo and a walkout by some overentitled journalist. They probably only claim to be a film critic so they can stay in their sister in law’s Gites outsides Cannes on a free holiday. If you don’t see at least one film with boos and walkouts, you’re not doing it right.

Let’s Get Ready To Rumble

With last year’s red carpet showdown between Jodie Foster and Adam Driver a thing of the past, Cannes has a reputation to upkeep. After the fallout of what many are calling SmithRock at this year’s Oscars, speculation is rife over who will see red on the red carpet. Will it be Jane Campion facing off with Power Of The Dog naysayer, Sam Eliot? Or will Hollywood’s Scrappydoo, Tom Cruise be saying ‘Lemme at ‘em’ while a 5ft 9” bodyguard effortlessly holds him back from anyone who ‘gives him evils’.

Car Crash Press Conferences

Which ego-maniacal director will go off at the deep end and declare their empathy for the Nazis this year? Good ol’ Lars Von Sneer set the bar pretty low several years ago with his lunatic ramblings, apologies and retracted apologies. As long as supply channels of cocaine remain open in the south of France, chances are, he won’t be the last. By the way, is Mel Gibson going this year? Just asking for a friend.

Cannes Must See Shopping List

Whatever you watch at this year’s festival, you’re bound to bump into journalists. They’ll be easy to spot. They’ll be the ones that look like Henry Kissinger on meth. They’ll stink of free wine and struggle to carry all their giftbags from studios whose films they’ll impartially review. Have a great festival everyone, they sure will.

The Annual Cannes Film Festival Takes Place At Cannes Every Year.

THE ODD COUPLE REBOOT IS CONFIRMED

MOVIE NEWS – The long-mooted The Odd Couple reboot gets the green light after spending years in development hell. The Neil Simon classic comedy that originally starred Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau has a fresh script penned by Damien Chazelle and will be directed by Sofia Coppola. The Odd Couple reboot will star Lady Gaga and Adam Driver.

The Odd Couple Reboot Casting

Fans of the original Neil Simon comedy classic will be surprised to see Lady Gaga take on the Walter Matthau role. She will play Maddison Oscar, a divorced journalist enjoying the single life. Driver will play the Jack Lemmon role of Felix Unger, a sensitive soul who has just been dumped by his long-standing partner and is struggling to come to terms with single life. Maddison agrees against her better judgement to take in her best pal until he gets back on his feet. But there are hilarious consequences when chalk and cheese live together. The Exec spoke to Lady Gaga and Adam Driver about their new roles.

Lady Gaga And Adam Driver In The Odd Couple? How Did That Come About?

(AD) ‘We had such a blast working together on Ridley’s House Of Gucci, we knew we simply had to get together on a project as soon as possible.’ (LGG) – ‘Uh, yeah, I guess. The money was right, so I thought, fuck it. Why not?’

Adam, You’re Taking On The Jack Lemmon Role?

(AD) ‘That’s right. We thought it would be such a gosh-darned hoot if we played around with what everyone would expect. People think of me as a bit dour and straight-laced. But what if I played the more liberal-minded Felix role? Wouldn’t that be a whole heap of fun? (LGG) ‘Plus I found it so much easier acting like you constantly annoyed me. That just came real natural to me, you fucking douche-bag.’

I’m Sensing Some Friction Between The Two Of You?

(AD) ‘Oh, that’s nonsense, because we get on like a house on fire. Don’t we GeeGee? (LGG) ‘How many times have I told you not to FUCKING CALL ME THAT?’

The Odd Couple Reboot Starts Shooting In The New Year

ADAM DRIVER & JODIE FOSTER IN FIST FIGHT

BREAKING NEWS: Adam Driver & Jodie Foster have got this year’s Cannes Film Festival off to an explosive start when they got into a fist fight after the Annette red carpet premiere.



Adam Driver & Jodie Foster Let’s Get Ready To Rumble

In shocking scenes after the red carpet premiere of Annette, the star of the film, Adam Driver & Jodie Foster got into a fist fight. Movie legend, Jodie, was attending as she will receive an honorary award later during the glamorous festival. Insults were exchanged when Foster started trash-talking Driver about his wall punch scene in his film Marriage Story.

 

There’s Trouble-A-Brewing

Festival goers said they could see trouble was coming during the film as Driver and Foster could be seen knocking back can after can of strong Caribbean beer, Red Stripe. The cinema floor was littered with cans by the time everyone stood to give the film a standing ovation. Driver can be seen smoking cigarettes and Foster was just laughing as she tossed empty beer cans Driver’s way.

 

Foster – ‘He’s A Little Bitch’

It was at the premiere party when things really got nasty. Foster began trash-talking Driver about him punching like ‘A little bitch’ in Marriage Story and accused him of using a fake paper wall. Driver, who was slurring his words and swaying all over the place launched a foul mouthed counter-attack at Foster, claiming that she was anything but ‘The Brave One’ referring to her performance in the Neil Jordan film.

 

‘Fuck Off Back In Your Panic Room’

Things turned violent when Driver told Foster to ‘Fuck off back in your panic room and leave stardom to the professionals’. Foster punched Driver square in the face and sent him across the red carpet. She then told Driver that ‘You’ll need more than a fucking lightsaber to go toe to toe with me, bitch’. Driver lurched back at her and she grabbed him by the arm. She put him in an armlock slapped his ass and repeatedly called him a bitch. Foster pushed him onto the ground and started taunting him by asking how many Oscars he had.

 

Leave Her Adam, She Aint Worth It

Driver’s co-star in Annette, Marion Cotillard came to his defense. She stood between the fighting stars and shouted that Foster would have to go through her. At this point Foster stopped, blew Driver a kiss, laughed and walked off into the hot Cannes night.

 


Annette Goes On General Release On September 3rd Later This Year.

MARRIAGE STORY IS ACTUALLY ABOUT A DIVORCE

HOLLYWOOD – Critics brand Noah Baumbach’s new film Marriage Story a lie.

Adam Driver and Scarlett Johansson new film Marriage Story came under fire today, following the revelation that it was actually about a divorce. Xavier Poulis of the French cultural magazine Chapeau told the Studio Exec:

Why can’t they simply call it Divorce Story? It is about a divorce. The whole film, they are divorcing. And yet, Marriage Story! It’s like Noah Baumbach wants to take a huge great big shit on the English language.

It is true that much of the film concerns itself with a couple in the midst of an increasingly messy divorce. Some are finding the experience of watching the film emotionally traumatizing. One viewer we spoke to had this to say:

I wanted to go to watch a film on Netflix to make me forget about my messy divorce. In particular one very long row where I ended up punching a hole in the wall. I wanted to escape to happier times when we were first married. So I chose Marriage Story because it promised to be a portrait of a couple who are married, being married and staying married. Imagine my shock and disappointment. Not only was there barely any marriage, we had to watch all this divorce all over the place. Including a scene where Adam Driver punches a wall following a very long argument. There should be some sort of warning.

In fact a campaign to rename Marriage Story Divorce Story is currently trending on Twitter via the hash tag #RenameMarriageStoryDivorceStory

Marriage Story is on Netflix.

 

TERRY GILLIAM ACCIDENTALLY DELETES THE MAN WHO KILLED DON QUIXOTE

LONDON – Terry Gilliam today admitted that he had accidentally deleted his new film The Man Who Killed Don Quixote.

Terry Gilliam took 17 years to complete his new film The Man Who Killed Don Quixote. Having only yesterday announced to excited fans that he had finished the film, he returned to Facebook today with a heartbreaking message, entitled ‘I should have made a backup copy’:

So I had the film wrapped, everything shot, and as with all movies these days it was all digital. I had it on a portable hard drive but when I unplugged it from the computer I forgot to click on that ‘safely remove hardware thing’ and apparently it formatted the whole disc. Erasing the movie. I know what you’re thinking. Why didn’t you make a backup? and I can only say, I don’t know. But don’t worry fans, I’ll be making it again next year and every year for the rest of my life.

The film had gone through a number of versions with different casts, including a version with Robert Duvall and Ewan MacGregor and one with Jean Rochefort and Johnny Depp. The most recent iteration starred Jonathan Pryce and Adam Driver.

The Man Who Killed Don Quixote will begin filming again in 2018.

STAR WARS EPISODE 9: THE LAST JEDI – SPOILER REVIEW

HOLLYWOOD – Star Wars Episode 8 The Last Jedi hits screens worldwide this week.

Rian Johnson’s Star Wars Episode 8: The Last Jedi arrives in cinemas but does it blow up the Death Star or just explode on the surface. Here are FIVE takeaways, but be warned these are SPOILERS.

1 The first hour is a real drag. Star Wars was originally inspired by the Flash Gordon Saturday morning serials and here the Star Wars franchise has become like that. Familiar characters go off and do different things. But none of this quite amounts to the status of story. Time and space are manipulated in an offhand way. Travelling across the galaxy with a deadline counted in hours feels wrong. It minimizes the scale we’ve come to expect. And some of the stories feel like TV episode filler. Especially with Finn (John Boyega) and Rose (Kelly Marie Tran) Go to the thing and get the thing that’ll do the other thing while jeopardy happens that’ll take x hours. As much as Force Awakens lacked originality, it was exhilarating. This felt middle-act-humdrum.

2  In a telling scene, Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) tosses the light saber over his shoulder, mirroring the film’s own dismissive attitude to many elements set up by JJ Abrams’ first instalment. Luke for one was this big reveal in the first of the new films. Here, he spends a long part of the movie refusing ‘the call to adventure’, but it never calls again. Rey (Daisy Ridley) and Luke’s relationship doesn’t deepen. The offing of Snoke was a great scene, but again had a Game of Thrones abruptness. It seemed more intent on wrong-footing the audience than anything else.

3  Leia (Carrie Fisher) flying. I get that Leia is essentially a Jedi, strong in the force. But the moment she flew her character – and perhaps the series – hid in the fridge. I feel toward Star Wars now how I felt toward the Harry Potter films. I’ll go and see them and enjoy them. But I’m not invested. All the characters have ‘moments’, but I’ve lost sight of any real arc.

4 The humor. Force Awakens was funny – in a smart TV show way. The Last Jedi is more funny in a Jar Jar way. Cute/disgusting aliens, some comedy gurning – Finn has become a particular adherent, but Domhnall Gleeson and Oscar Isaac run him a joint second. And then the overplayed winking actually detracts from the movie. When Luke flicks dirt from his robe emerging from the lethal bombardment, I felt that was Mark Hamill doing that; not Luke. I could hear the conversation: ‘Hey what if I wink at C3PO?’ Luke’s character was always the most sincere, the most driven. When did he become this jokey semi-serious granddad?

5 Luke’s death. This was the most baffling moment of the film. Why make the twist that Luke is not actually there – using his force to project himself into the minds of the others – to then make the consequences exactly the same as him being there. I loved the moment that he revealed himself to Adam Driver’s Kylo Ren. It was epic. My highlight of the movie. It seemed to go in a really different direction. No, we’re not going to have the obligatory death.

5 b. Not every film has to have the same emotional beat – and this goes with the action too. We don’t always have to have the clock ticking while two sets of characters have to accomplish two different tasks. The algebra is becoming nakedly predictable. This is movie magic by algorithm.

To be clear, I quite enjoyed the film. Especially the last hour. But Star Wars ought to be great and for me this felt like the beginning of the end of my fascination with the series.

SILENCE – REVIEW

REVIEW: SILENCE – Spider-man and Kylo Ren go to Japan to find Ra’s Ghul.

Martin Scorsese’s new film apparently took 20 years to make or more accurately he wanted to do it for twenty years or something. Anyway the adaptation of Shusaku Endo’s amazing novel is faithful, perhaps overly so. Large slabs of prose are Terrence Malicked onto the soundtrack, but at the same time Scorsese also literally renders paragraphs, often risking silliness. The story often slides towards Christian propaganda and one wonders how Mel Gibson would have dealt with it. And how critics would have looked at the film if he had.

Hacksaw Ridge actor Andrew Garfield does some more blinking as the priest who with Adam Driver goes looking for Liam Neeson and proselytize to the heathens in Japan. The persecution that follows provides a stations of the cross for the priest who enters his crisis of faith. There’s some dodgy CGI and some wonderfully inventive direction. But the ambiguity of the novel has its hand tipped with a clumsy last shot and dedication.

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MARTIN SCORSESE’S SILENT MOVIE ‘BULLSHIT’ SAYS EXPERT

HOLLYWOOD – Martin Scorsese’s new movie Silence has been branded ‘bullshit’ by a leading expert on silent cinema.

The trailer dropped for Martin Scorsese’s new film Silence this week but not everyone is impressed.

Maurice Hepatite, leading expert of the silent era and author of ‘Say What: An Exploration in Early Cinema’, reacted with disgust to the footage.

It’s obvious that Mr. Scorsese knows next to nothing about silent films. His movie is called Silence, but having watched the trailer five times, I can tell you that first there is talking, then there is music and there are sound effects clearly audible on the soundtrack. There’s a goddamned soundtrack as well.

But Martin Scorsese…

Scorsese promised a silent movie. Look at the goddamned title, Chad. And all we get is the word ‘silence’, which garfield speaks spoken in a ridiculous Portuguese accent. Saying the word Silence doesn’t make this a silent movie. I thought someone of Mr. Scorsese’s purported acumen would have known that.

The film stars Andrew Garfield, Adam Driver and Liam Neeson as three priests with terrible accents who decide to be silent in order to avoid embarrassment.

Silence will be released in December, 2016.

GEORGE LUCAS’ FORCE AWAKENS EMAIL

HOLLYWOOD – Star Wars: The Force Awakens is currently smashing every record at the Box Office but there was one audience member who wasn’t entirely won over: George Lucas.

In an email to J.J. Abrams, George Lucas has expressed his feelings fully and candidly about Episode 7 of the Star Wars saga: The Force Awakens. The Studio Exec has EXCLUSIVELY received a copy of this email. Because of the newsworthiness of this particular item of correspondence, we have decided – after literally seconds of deliberation – to make it publicly available. Be warned, it does contain SPOILERS (if you want to read our SPOILER FREE review Click Here).

Hi JJ,

It was neat of you to let me have that sneak preview. I really enjoyed it, but – as you can imagine – I do have a few notes. Obviously you’ve made the film and do with them what you will. What do I know? I’m only the guy who INVENTED THE WHOLE F*CKING UNIVERSE *joking*. Okay, so here they are.

Luke Skywalker. WTF? Where is he? The whole movie I’m waiting for Luke Skywalker. Okay, he’s disappeared, but for the entire movie. Han Solo had disappeared in Return of the Jedi. Ten minutes into that film he was found, defrosted and back in the action. Christ almighty, JJ. This is Star Wars 101 here!

R2D2 spends the whole movie asleep. Not cool. This BB8 bullshit is never going to catch on. All that rolling around. Eeew. Reminds me of a Goddamned hairless testicle! And where is Jar Jar Binks? Surely you need some comedy in the film. I mean for the kids. No one stepped in ‘doo-doo’ or got their tongue paralyzed. Seriously, are you the same JJ who thought up the ending of Lost?

You misspelled Tatooine. Jakku? Not even close.

Han Solo and Leia. Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher are great obviously but I would have cast new actors to make them look a bit younger. I caught Taylor Lautner in The Ridiculous Six (very funny BTW). He would be perfect as Solo and Keira Knightley as Leia would have been a natural. File under missed opportunities.

14 parsecs – 12 parsecs – it’s a unit of space not time – asshole! And what was that bullshit with the Deathstar and the Starkiller base? Were you seriously just saying my dick is bigger than George’s dick? Is that what that was? Is it?

Kylo Ren should get his hand cut off (obviously).

Other than those minor criticisms I thought the film on the whole was moderately enjoyable. There are two more films coming up so I would give you some further advice if I might. The second film should be darker, the way Empire Strikes Back was. I would call it something like The Gungans Strike Back. Or Return of the Midi-chlorians. Those would be my favorite titles.

Live Long and Prosper, JJ.

G.L.

For more Star Wars click here. 

 

MARTIN SCORSESE’S FISHER KING SEQUEL: FIRST LOOK

HOLLYWOOD – Martin Scorsese’s sequel to the Terry Gilliam classic The Fisher King has just finished filming in Taiwan.

Starring Andrew Garfield in the role of Jack Lucas, a former shock jock who on inadvertently causing a mass shooting in a restaurant and falls from grace, Martin Scorsese’s film has been shooting under the strictest of secrecy. The 1991 film starred Jeff Bridges and Robin Williams as a homeless man called Parry who Jack befriends and who helps Jack put together his life by facing what he has done. Details about the new film are relatively scarce but one synopsis reveals:

Two Jesuit priests – Jack Law (Andrew Garfield) and Parry (Adam Driver) travel to 17th century Japan. Here, the Tokugawa shogunate has banned Catholicism and all foreign contact. Japanese Christians are persecuted at the hands of their own government which wishes to purge Japan of all western influence. Jack Law travels the countryside, wondering why God remains silent while His children suffer.

As can be gleaned from this short synopsis, Fisher King 2 looks like a prequel rather than a direct follow on, perhaps using the idea of the Arthurian myth of the original Fisher King to take us way back into history to one of Jack’s distant ancestors.

The Fisher King 2 will be released in 2016.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

5 FACTS WE LEARNED FROM THE FORCE AWAKENS TRAILER

HOLLYWOOD – Star Wars: The Force Awakens trailer debuted on the internet, yet what did it really tell us about the film due out on Christmas Day, 2015? A previous Force Awakens post gave some ideas but to be sure we sent our Padawan FACT team to FACT-touine to find out.

1. Folk singer and misanthrope Llewyn Davis (Oscar Isaac) from the Coen Brothers’ Inside Llewyn Davis gets to fly an x-wing over a lake. As well as an exciting moments of derring-do, Davis will no doubt be offering a song on acoustic guitar, perhaps as a melancholic prelude to a massive battle sequence, à la Pippin in Return of the King.

2. Stormtroopers are going to fight on the beaches of Normandy. Whether they have broadened their admission policy to included people who are not Bobba Fett’s father, or is Attack the Block’s John Boyega doing a bit of garbage compactor style disguise? This we are yet to see, but knowing Abrams’ fondness for visual quotes (inspired by a love of the original and/or a lack of original ideas) my credits would be on the latter.

3. Andy Serkis/Benedict Cumberbatch/Adam Driver’s voice-over is the kind of gravel strewn larynx work that usually can be heard on commercials for bourbon or Monday night football. The intoning about darkness awakening and light too is all a bit silly and made me miss Yoda’s thrilling précis to the Phantom Menace trailer, which was – let’s not forget – an exciting trailer.

4. Bad Robot is not just JJ Abrams’ production company, but an ethos. If you hated flying CGI R2D2, you’re going to loathe SPIN-EE Bad Robot Spin.

5. Sith Lords are so bad ass that even the safety guard on their lightsabers can cut your fingers off. The Millennium Falcon loops the loop (bit of lens flare), Daisy Ridley tools around on a landspeeder turned sideways and Voldemort lurks North of the Wall. What more could we want?

For more Movie FACTS CLICK HERE!

DARREN ARONOFSKY CONFIRMS NOAH PREQUEL

NEW YORK – During an interview at the New York Film Festival, Darren Aronofsky told the journalists that he intended to film a prequel to his hit film Noah, provisionally titled Genesis.

Although Aronofsky said the production was in its early stages he did confirm that Adam Driver and Eva Mendez are going to play Adam and Eve, and that they’ll be tempted in the garden of Eden by Russell Brand.

Darren Aronofsky told assembled members of the world press and the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

The only reason I want to do it is because people have told me its a stupid idea. I did the same thing when they told me a film about ballerinas was a non-starter. They said hiring Mickey Rourke to play a wrestler would be a disaster. They even said that Hugh Jackman trying to cure death via magic mushrooms would not be a popular movie. Okay, they were right with the last one, but this has hit written all over it. Also to keep the consistency of names that I’ve got going in the cast, I’ve also got Genesis to agree to provide the soundtrack.

 

Genesis: The Invisible Touch will be released in early Spring of 2016.