OSCARS TO BE DECIDED BY THE WEINSTEINS IN FUTURE

HOLLYWOOD – Next year’s Academy Awards – or Oscars as they prefer to be known – will adopt a new system to decide winners, replacing the outdated voting system currently in place with one in which Bob and Harvey Weinstein personally decide everything.

Awards expert Billy Bathtub said:

The new system is going to be not so much a revolution as an evolution, kind of what already happens, but formally recognized.

Some have argued that the system is a betrayal of the democratic process, but they have been told to shut their fat mouths if they don’t want their asses sued. Oscar winners Quentin Tarantino and Gwyneth Paltrow rushed to defend the new system: ‘It will be fairer-er,’ they said in unison.

The Studio Exec also believes the new system to be advantageous for many reasons, but primarily because Bob and Harvey Weinstein are very scary men with big fat money. The ceremony this year will hosted by Billy Crystal who will beat Seth McFarlane to death with a huge ceramic boob in a tribute to A Clockwork Orange and women everywhere.

The Oscars will be broadcast in February, 2014.  

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION … 2. OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL

  


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James Franco James Franco James Franco James Franco 
James Franco James Franco James Franco James Franco 
James Franco James Franco James Franco James Franco 
James Franco James Franco James Franco James Franco 
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James Franco James Franco James Franco James Franco 
James Franco James Franco James Franco James Franco 
James Franco James Franco James Franco James Franco 
James Franco James Franco James Franco James Franco 

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION … 1. AFTER EARTH

 

The most Significant Science Fiction of the Year, fusing the acting talents of Will Smith with the theological/scientific knowledge of Jayden Smith and the most visionary director of his generation, M. Night Shyamalan After Earth is a work of indisputable genius and well worthy of all the awards and whatever other trinkets you mere mortals dare to offer.

It is the film that forced Stephen Hawking to weep and say to those in the audience: ‘This is how it will be when we have space crafts and stuff like that.’ 


It is the film that the New York Times said on seeing it ‘What?’

It is the film which in 2013 made us reconsider not only our relationship to the planet but also to each other and our parents and plants.

ROGER EBERT’S THUMBS TO PRESENT 2014 OSCARS

HOLLYWOOD – We learnt today with sadness mixed with reverence and joy, that Roger Ebert renowned film critic for the Chicago Sun-Times who died this year at the age of seventy has bequeathed his thumbs to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and that said thumbs will be hosting the 2014 edition of the Oscars.

A spokesperson for AMPAS said:

Roger Ebert represents an inspiration to all who love film and it is a tribute to the man that so many people have been touched by his passing, just as so many ordinary people have been inspired by his love of film and life.   

It is unclear whether Mr. Ebert’s thumbs will be joined by Gene Siskel’s as a co-host although this is certainly the dream ticket.  Mr. Siskel’s thumbs were donated to the Smithsonian institute following his death in 1999. One thing is certain, whatever happens it can’t be anymore tasteless than Seth MacFarlane’s recent outing.