THE REVENANT – REVIEW

THE REVENANT – REVIEW: Alejandro González Iñárritu’s follow up to Birdman, The Revenant is an inspiring tale of survival ruined by blatant product placement.

Drowned on the Titanic, jailed for embezzlement, lobotomized on an island, beaten by Jack Nicholson, betrayed, basketball diaried, tricked into suicide by his girlfriend and a priest, Leonardo diCaprio has to be one of the unluckiest men alive. In The Revenant he’s torn to pieces by a bear and frozen by a hard winter, attacked by Indians, half drowned in a river and dropped from cliffs. As if this wasn’t bad enough, Tom Hardy offs his son and leaves him for dead. It’s almost as if Iñárritu is putting DiCaprio through some sort of Oscar endurance test. But it’s well worth the journey and diCaprio is magnificent along with Hardy.

With Terrence Malick’s cinematographer Emanuel Lubezki and set desginer Jack Fisk, there’s a fair bit of the Malickian here, but Iñárritu is more interested in nature red in tooth and claw. Immersed in the elemental extremes of fire, water, frost and violence, The Revenant drags the audience through an unforgiving wilderness. A history of massacres looms in the background and cold freezes throughout the film. There’s also a bit Tarkovsky with visions of floating women and sopping landscapes forgotten by an absentee God. Occasionally, the story veers too far into the extreme with logic and credibility be damned, a precipice too far if you will. But I’ll be gored by a bear and buggered by it too, if you can find a more fascinating and visually sumptuous depiction of why we have dentistry and central heating.

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LEONARDO DICAPRIO CATEGORY ANNOUNCED FOR ACADEMY AWARDS

HOLLYWOOD – A new category and anew award for the ‘Oscars’ or the Motion Picture Academy Awards as they are sometimes called: The Leonardo DiCaprio Award.

Announcing the Award, Motion Picture Academy President Cheryl Boone Isaacs said that the award would be given annually:

It will seek to recognize brilliance and exceptional talent in a motion picture actor, who features in a motion picture in the last calendar year. Although the award will be open to all actors, we are looking to focus on those seasoned performers who have for some reason previously been neglected or disappointed by the Academy. We’re thinking of people like Edward Norton, Tom Cruise, Glenn Close, Johnny Depp, Sigourney Weaver, Harrison Ford, Ed Harris and of course Leonardo DiCaprio.

When asked whether Leonardo diCaprio would win for The Revenant, President Isaacs had this to say:

There is a very good chance Leo might win the Best Actor nomination and eventually the Oscar for Best Actor for his performance. I couldn’t possibly speculate. However, we do know that if he doesn’t, then there’s an even better chance he will win the Best Leonardo diCaprio Oscar. If, that is, Matthew McConaughey doesn’t pip him to the post.

The Oscars will be broadcast on February 28th, 2016.

COUNTDOWN TO 2016 OSCARS BEGINS

HOLLYWOOD – The 2015 Academy Awards are over, but now the race is on for the 2016 Oscars and the Studio Exec has its FACT squad standing by.

1. Michael Keaton will receive a nomination for Batman 4. Admittedly, there have been other Batmans and we’re not sure how the numbers add up, but the title will be an obvious homage to the Birdman 4 film that Riggan refused to countenance in Birdman.

2. In an ill-advised attempt to win over Twitter, John Travolta will host the Oscars, ensuring a Lovecraftian vibe with fellow Thetans as guest hosts and everyone else soon becoming ‘hosts’ of another kind when the psychotropic light show renders them all brain slaves ready to enter the Hubbard ship.

3. Star Wars: The Force Awakens and The Hateful Eight will be vying for the top spot as well as Leonardo di Caprio in The Revenant and Ron Howard’s In the something of the Sea. As the Academy has proven itself hopelessly poor at the nominating process, cage fights will take the place of ballots and nominees will be eliminated in a series of televised rounds.

4. In an ill-advised attempt to show that basically us show business types are color blind everyone will attend the ceremony in black face. For black guests this will be of course optional. Ridley Scott will be in charge with a spray gun for the forgetful.

5. The women will wear clothes and the men will in a break with tradition  also wear clothes. They will be of different colors and materials, and styles and there will be names attached to them. Anyone who cares about this will later be rounded up, come the revolution.

For more Movie FACTS CLICK HERE!

WHAT WE LEARNED FROM THE 2015 OSCARS

HOLLYWOOD – So the Dolby Theater has been hosed down and returned to its daytime occupation as headquarters to the International Illuminati, but what did we learn from the 2015 Oscars?

We sent the Studio Exec FACT squad into the after parties and green room to see what we could see.

1. Filling in for the Beastmaster, Neil Patrick Harris is truly a talented entertainer. A funny comedian – although some of his joke writers need firing – , a wonderful song and dance man and a disturbingly good magician. How else but by magic could he have managed to make me laugh at Jack Black?

2. Patricia Arquette is one cool lady. Not only is her body of work impressive, but her acceptance speech spoke of something real. Along with Reese Witherspoon and her #AskHerMore stance, it’s good to see the sisters doing it for themselves. And while we’re at it good on Melanie Griffith for not mouthing platitudes about her daughter Dakota Johnson’s success in Fifty Shades of Grey. Surely tone deaf red carpet reporters can understand she might not to watch her daughter’s BDSM scenes? Perhaps not.

3. Terrence Howard might find himself replaced by Don Cheadle next year.

4. Following Julianne Moore and Eddie Redmayne’s Oscar victories Hollywood bookshops are going to have to stock up on diagnostic manuals as stars starting looking for the next big disease.

5. Boyhood and Birdman both deserved recognition, as did Selma, Snowpiercer, Get On Up , The f*cking LEGO Movie and a whole bunch of others. We’ve become a list crazed culture and so the Oscars have become if anything more important. Sure it’s meaningless; sure it shouldn’t matter. But meaninglessness is hardly a disqualifying factor in our twitterverse culture. Long may it reign.

For more Oscars CLICK HERE.

OSCARS: BEASTMASTER CANCELS

HOLLYWOOD – The Beastmaster has cancelled as host of the Oscars, leading to his replacement by original choice Neil Patrick Harris.

The Beastmaster had shocked everyone by agreeing to take part in the ceremony, despite having shunned the Academy Awards for years after the biopic based on his life failed to gain any nominations. Excitement had grown to mythical proportions as it was reported that Kanye West had also  agreed to appear as a co-host.

However, sources inside the Beastmaster camp reported tensions earlier in the week when it was revealed that Hawk the Slayer was no longer representing Beastmaster. There were also threats from animal rights organisations who claimed that Beastmaster’s dominance of the animal kingdom was only made possible ‘through the use of powerful psychotropic drugs and training sessions that involve what is tantamount to torture’.

Beastmaster issued a statement to the press this morning:

Due to personal issues regarding my relationship with Kiri I have decided to pull out of the Oscars. It is a real shame and I was looking forward to hearing all of Kanye’s objections to the Oscars. And Kodo and Podo really wanted to do a selfie like Ellen did, but ultimately we have to return to the realm and meet up again with the birdmen and sort out everything.

Neil Patrick Harris said that he’ll be delighted to resume his duties but was sorry that he wouldn’t have the opportunity to see Beastmaster’s unique approach to his duties:

He was going to have the prizes delivered by giraffes and sharks. I guess I’ll do my best, but I’m not surprised everyone is disappointed. So am I.

The Oscars are on later this evening. 

MERYL STREEP TO GET OSCAR CATEGORY TO HERSELF

HOLLYWOOD – 19 times Oscar nominated (now for Into the Woods) and 3 times previous winner, actress Meryl Streep will no longer be eligible for nomination in the Best Actress or Best Supporting Actress categories, it was revealed today.

Instead, the Academy of Motion Pictures has announced a separate award dedicated simply to her – the Best Meryl Streep Performance of the Year Award – which will Oscar, organizers hope, free up the other categories for Emma Thompson.

Ms. Streep is understood to be relaxed about the news  and she took a minute out of her shoe buying (she is currently preparing for her role in Luc Besson’s forthcoming Imelda Marcos bio-pic More Shoes) to speak with the Studio Exec:

I know why they’re doing it and I applaud them, although the easiest solution would simply have to been: stop nominating me altogether. Of course, like any artiste, I crave the approval of my peers and simply because I have achieved a modicum of success doesn’t lessen that craving. As Cameron Diaz says in The Counselor three times ‘I’m famished’. 

How do you feel essentially competing against yourself?

But is that what’ll happen. I’m not so sure. A Meryl Streep performance isn’t something only Meryl Streep can do you know. Look at Nicole Kidman in The Hours, or Charlize Theron in Monster. I’m sure I won’t be the only nominee, so I’ll have to practice my secretly disappointed but filled with admiration for the just victor face.  

 The Oscars will happen in February but in secret.

NRA GETS OSCAR CATEGORY

HOLLYWOOD – The National Rifle Association (NRA) to get its own Oscar category at the upcoming Motion Picture Academy Awards.

The decision came following a marked increase in movies with firearms featuring prominently. John Wick, Taken 3 and American Sniper all use gun play as an essential element of the narrative, stated a  spokesperson for the NRA.

You can see that we’re winning the argument all across America. Guns have never been more popular or more beloved. Look at the success of American Sniper! Box office records shot to pieces. And Oscar nominations up the wahtoosie! Whereas The Lego Movie… where were the guns in that piece of shit?

But that was a kids’ film?

So what? Kids love guns and they even love to fire them.  Under proper supervision obviously. Not just stealing mom’s gun. That’d be wrong.

The category will be called ‘Most Imaginative Use of Guns in a Motion Picture’.

The nominations this year are:

John Wick

Taken 3

American Sniper

Sin City 2: A Dame to Kill For

Still Alice

For more Oscars, click here.

OSCARS CEREMONY TO BE DIRECTED BY RIDLEY SCOTT

HOLLYWOOD – Ridley Scott is to direct the Oscars ceremony on the 22nd of February, featuring an exclusively white cast.

A spokesperson for the academy said:

We decided to take the ceremony in a new direction this year. Political correctness went mad the last few shows. We had Lincoln freeing the slaves, Django shooting the slave owners and 12 Years a Slave, being all about slaves as well. For twelve years. But now we have a black president and all that racism has been effectively dealt with so it’s time to get back to rich white people, mainly men.

So you called Ridley?

Absolutely. We thought that we couldn’t just pretend Selma didn’t exist although we tried our best. He came up with the idea of replacing the black cast with Joel Edgerton and Aaron Paul.

Fantastic!

Isn’t it? And although people are complaining about diversity, I’d say to them that the show is going to be diverse anyway. Look at Boyhood. White little boy, white big boy, white teenager, white young fella. What could be more diverse? Oh, and American Sniper, white guy shoots brown guys. What could be more topical!? Birdman, white guy worries about being too rich and successful. The Imitation Game, white guy wins the war. The Theory of Everything, white guy solves all the problems in the universe, especially Black Holes (that’s not racist is it?)

I don’t know.

Oh and my favorite. Whiplash. Two guys get incredibly pissy about perfecting jazz. And they’re basically white! That’s the twist.

For more Oscars news click HERE.

FLUFFER’S GUIDE TO WINNING AN OSCAR

When you’ve won as many prizes and honours as I have you find that barely a day goes by without a young up and coming actor asking your advice on how to bag an Academy Award, aka Oscar!

You have to admire their ambition: why settle for one of those Golden Globes they give away with every packet of breakfast cereal when you could have a lovely shiny Oscar? Dear Zac Efron looked on eBay for me and he reckons mine’s worth at least $500 so they’re well worth having.

And the way to win one is to play part that’s based on someone from real life. It’s worked for everyone from George Arliss in Disraeli back in ’23, to Danny Day-Lewis playing young  Ronnie Reagan I think it was in Lincoln. And there’s no reason why lightning can’t strike again. When Benedict Cumberbatch, or ‘Eggs’ as I call him, told me he’d got the part in The Imitation Game I said to him ‘Benny, just a thought, why don’t you base it on that clever Al Turing who invented the pocket calculator?’ You could see the relief in his eyes!

It was the same sort of thing when little Eddie Redmayne, or ‘Eggs’ as I call him as well, told me he’d be playing Professor Stephen Hawking in The Theory of Everything. I suggested he base it on that international man of mystery Austin Powers, and as soon as I saw him with the glasses and funny teeth I said to myself ‘by Jove, he’s got it!’

I don’t expect any thanks. When they win their awards there’s really no need to mention me at all, I’d do the same for any young actor in their position, and I seek no glory for their success. But if they could bung me a few quid just to tide me over while I wait for my cheque from A Million Ways To Die In The West. I wouldn’t say no.

I wasn’t the only person to die in that one!

For more of Sir Edwin FLUFFER, be a peach and Click Here.

URGENT APPEAL: LEONARDO DICAPRIO RELIEF FUND


Tonight, while you sit in the comfort of your homes with your families; 

Tonight, while you eat dinner in the warmth of affectionate laughter; 
And later tonight, while you sleep in your beds, safe and sound; 
Please remember:

Leonardo di Caprio is not happy.


Just a small monthly offer can help keep Leo in Brazilian supermodels and high grade pharmaceutical product. 

Please give generously to The Leonardo di Caprio Relief Fund

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT THE OSCARS

HOLLYWOOD – Tonight is the 86th Academy Awards and that fact is your last free one. Read the others and become cleverer.

1. Ellen Degeneres is only the second woman to present the Oscars. The first was Bob Hope.

2. The actual Oscars were designed to resemble Yul Bryner. The original statuette included an impressive erection that Yul always nursed but this was changed following complaints from Rex Harrison.

3. Anyone who wins an Oscar is entitled to droit du seigneur over anyone who failed to win the Oscar that year, regardless of category. Although this is largely considered a custom and is hardly ever enforced, David Niven became legendary for doing everyone literally everyone after his win.

4. RIPD will not win an Oscar.  

5. Steven Spielberg is the only person to ever win an Oscar for brushing his teeth. The Oscar was awarded as part of a mix up when instead of taking place at the Dolby theater, the ceremony was booked in the Colgate theater.

For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE! 

SCIENTIFIC AND TECHNICAL OSCARS TO BE HELD AT TGI FRIDAYS

TEXAS – Sources have confirmed that after a delicious meal in a welcoming family friendly setting, organizers of this years Scientific and Technical Oscars have decided to hold the award ceremony at TGI Fridays.

Speaking from their comfortable booth in a flagship branch of the universally loved food chain, a spokesperson had this to say:

Have you tried the fried mozzarella?  No, go on there’s more than enough to go around. Just jump in with your hands! 

What do you think are the main benefits of hosting the awards in this specific Texan branch?

First and fore-mostly the Cajun shrimp and chicken pasta: an affordable dish that I just can’t imagine anyone turning their nose up at. I mean come on, here, sniff this Cajun Alfredo sauce, am I right?

Mmmmmmm, granted that does smell good. But how do you think the sci-tech movie community will take the relocation? 

‘Scuse me? can I get another round of Jack Daniel’s ribs? Heck I just can’t get enough of ’em! You were saying? Oh yeah, the technicians of the movie industry work hard and I’ll be damned if they don’t deserve to cut loose come award season. When the special effects team behind the groundbreaking movie Gravity get their first look at the Southwest jalapeño burger they’re gonna realize that all that work really meant something you know?

After ordering another portion of double stack quesadillas the spokesperson confirmed that the ceremony would also take place mid-week to take full advantage of ‘Martini Wednesday’.

A FULL BREAKDOWN OF THE TGI MENU CAN BE FOUND HERE

ROBERT REDFORD PROBABLY WON’T WIN BEST ACTOR OSCAR

HOLLYWOOD – News coming in that Robert Redford will probably not win the Best Actor Oscar for his role as ‘Our Man’ in All Is Lost. Redford joins Oscar Isaac and Idris Elba in the WTF? corner.

The news of Robert Redford’s disappointment came hard on the heels of the revelation that Inside Llewyn Davis wasn’t particularly well directed and that there were at least nine, if not more, better films released in 2013. 
The Coen Brothers issued a joint statement earlier today: 

Our reaction to the news, after some time of painful reflection and introspection, is to go on a massive cocaine binge and we suggest Mr. Redford do the same. We know he’s in Utah now at the Sundance Film festival, so he shouldn’t have any trouble finding some snow. If you know what we mean.  

Fortunately science has proven that the Oscars are ‘a bunch of bullshit’ according to a study by Colombia University, though that might come as scant consolation to those who have failed to win nominations and are thereby unworthy to lick the boots of those who have. 

The Oscars will be broadcast on television.

OSCARS NOMINATIONS FOR 2014

HOLLYWOOD – It’s the Nominations for the something something Acadamy Awards of Motion Picturish Things. Thank god for cut and paste.

Look what we just did. We just cut and paste it from IMDb complete with a brilliant mistake we’ve left in for comedy purposes. Urm. Yadadadadada Oscars yadadadadadadadada tough to predict yada-yada.
Best Motion Picture of the Year Nominees:
12 Years a Slave (2013)
Gravity (2013)
Dallas Buyers Club (2013)
American Hustle (2013)
Captain Phillips (2013)
Her (2013)
Nebraska (2013)
Philomena (2013)
The Wolf of Wall Street (2013)
 
Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role Nominees:
Chiwetel Ejiofor for 12 Years a Slave (2013)
Leonardo DiCaprio for The Wolf of Wall Street (2013)
Christian Bale for American Hustle (2013)
Bruce Dern for Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom (2013)
Matthew McConaughey for Dallas Buyers Club (2013)
 
Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role Nominees:
Amy Adams for American Hustle (2013)
Cate Blanchett for Blue Jasmine (2013)
Sandra Bullock for Gravity (2013)
Judi Dench for Philomena (2013)
Meryl Streep for August: Osage County (2013)
 
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role Nominees:
Barkhad Abdi for Captain Phillips (2013)
Bradley Cooper for American Hustle (2013)
Jonah Hill for The Wolf of Wall Street (2013)
Michael Fassbender for 12 Years a Slave (2013)
Jared Leto for Dallas Buyers Club (2013)
 
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role Nominees:
Sally Hawkins for Blue Jasmine (2013)
Julia Roberts for August: Osage County (2013)
Lupita Nyong’o for 12 Years a Slave (2013)
Jennifer Lawrence for American Hustle (2013)
June Squibb for Nebraska (2013)
 
Best Achievement in Directing Nominees:
Alfonso Cuarón for Gravity (2013)
Steve McQueen for 12 Years a Slave (2013)
David O. Russell for American Hustle (2013)
Martin Scorsese for The Wolf of Wall Street (2013)
Alexander Payne for Nebraska (2013)
 
Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen Nominees:
American Hustle (2013): Eric Singer, David O. Russell
Blue Jasmine (2013): Woody Allen
Her (2013): Spike Jonze
Nebraska (2013): Bob Nelson
Dallas Buyers Club (2013): Craig Borten, Melisa Wallack
 
Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published
Nominees:
Before Midnight (2013): Richard Linklater
Captain Phillips (2013): Billy Ray
12 Years a Slave (2013): John Ridley
The Wolf of Wall Street (2013): Terence Winter
Philomena (2013): Steven Coogan
 
Best Animated Feature Film of the Year Nominees:
The Croods (2013)
Despicable Me 2 (2013)
Ernest & Celestine (2012)
Frozen (2013)
The Wind Rises (2013)
 
Best Foreign Language Film of the Year Nominees:
The Broken Circle Breakdown (2012): Felix Van Groeningen(Belgium)
The Missing Picture (2013): Rithy Panh(Cambodia)
The Hunt (2012): Thomas Vinterberg(Denmark)
The Great Beauty (2013): Paolo Sorrentino(Italy)
Omar (2013): Hany Abu-Assad(Palestine)
 
Best Achievement in Cinematography Nominees:
Gravity (2013): Emmanuel Lubezki
Inside Llewyn Davis (2013): Bruno Delbonnel
Nebraska (2013): Phedon Papamichael
Prisoners (2013): Roger Deakins
The Grandmaster (2013): Philippe Le Sourd