BEST ATTENDANCE RECORD OSCAR ANNOUNCED

HOLLYWOOD – Following on from The Academy’s recent announcement of a new Fan Favorite Oscar, they have announced a new Best Attendance Record Oscar category. With the introduction of the new Best Attendance Record Oscar, this will be the start of a policy where ‘nobody goes away empty handed’. The Exec spoke with Academy President, David Rubin about the new announcement.

What Is The Thinking Behind This Best Attendance Record Oscar?

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin. Many of the grown-ups at The Academy sat down to have a good long think about how we can make everybody happy at the same time. At first we came up with the Fan Favorite Oscar to make sure all the Marvel stans got their moment in the sun. But then we realized that will only apply to Marvel’s movies that were out in the past year. And that children, is what we call a problem. How could we fix it? Do you have any ideas? Put your hands up if you think you know.

Was That When You Came Up With-

I said put your hands up. I can sit here and wait just as long as you. It’s your own time you’re wasting.

Was That When You Came Up With This New Oscar?

Yes. And thank you for putting up your hand. We want to make sure all the children – sorry – members of the Academy go away feeling they’re as valued as the actual winners. The Academy will award the member who as appeared and voted most times at the awards over a rolling five year period. We’re also going to give everyone party bags. We’ll make sure everybody gets a slice of cake, some candy and a few toys to play with before bedtime.

What Do You Say To Those Who Accuse The Academy Of Dumbing Down?

I’d tell them to go sit in the quiet corner and think about how unkind they’re being. Once they’ve had a good think, they can come over here and read out their apology essay to the whole class.

The Oscars Take Place On March 27th.

OSCAR NOMINATIONS ANNOUNCED EARLY

HOLLYWOOD – This year’s Oscar nominations have been announced early.

In yet another Exec exclusive, we break the Oscar nominations announced early AF bro. The nominees are:


Best Picture:

What The Fuck Was That About? (Charlie Kaufman – Netflix)
We Only Remember The White Guys (Aaron Sorkin – Netflix)
Token Animated Film (Pete Docter & Kemp Powers – Disney Pixar)
The Annual Frances McDormand Oscar Bait (Chloe Zhao – Highwayman Films)
Cold Sad Beard (George Clooney – Netflix)
Kinda Korean Film Because Parasite Won Last Year (Lee Isaac Chung)

Best Actor:

George Clooney (Cold Sad Beard)
Gary Oldman (Load Of Old Mank)
Riz Ahmed (I Learned The Drums And Everything)
Delroy Lindo (Don’t Piss Spike Off Again)
Stanley Tucci (British Set Oscar Bait)
Colin Firth (British Set Oscar Bait)


Best Actress:

Frances McDormand (The Annual Frances McDormand Oscar Bait)
Meryl Streep (The Prom: Because Glee Was A Thing)
Kate Winslet (Period Drama – Tick, Kate Winslet – Tick, LGBTQ Storyline – Tick: We Have A Winner!)
Angela Bassett (Animated – Nope, Black Female – Hell No, She’s How Old And Not Meryl Streep? Forget It)
Elisabeth Moss (Take Your Pick, She Aint Winning Shit)
Rashida Jones (Doesn’t Matter, It’s Directed By Sophia Coppola)

Best Director:

Spike Lee (We Promise This Time)
Spike Lee (Honestly, You’ll Win)
Sophia Coppola (Do You Know Who My Dad Is?)
Spike Lee (Don’t Hurt Me)
Spike Lee (And The Oscar Goes To)
George Clooney (Cold Sad Beard – But He Is White So…)

The Oscars are due to be hosted this year by Bill Cosby. So no issues there.

HUMAN CENTIPEDE TO HOST OSCARS

HOLLYWOOD – The Human Centipede will host the Academy Awards ceremony – also known as the Oscars.

Following Kevin Hart’s decision to drop out of the Oscars, speculation exploded as to who the new host would be with more than a million people killed in the ensuing excitement. However, now the emergency hospitals can breathe a sigh of relief as a replacement host has stepped forward: The Human Centipede.

We spoke with The Oscars. Here is that:

We’re so happy here. Not only is the Human Centipede the star of three blockbuster films – Human Centipede, Human Centipede 2 and Human Centipede 3 – but they (preferred pronoun) also ticks the boxes when it comes to representing diversity. Some of it is black, some white, some Latino, some is LGBTQ. Actually, the Human Centipede would prefer a longer acronym but we didn’t quite understand what they said.

Many believed that Billy Crystal would take over. Anyone wondering what the Oscars are can go over to Wikipedia, where it says:

The Academy Awards, also known as the Oscars, are a set of 24 awards for artistic and technical merit in the film industry, given annually by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (AMPAS), to recognize excellence in cinematic achievements as assessed by the Academy’s voting membership.

Asked to comment the Human Centipede mumbled something. The Green Book will win.

The ceremony will take place on February 20th.

COUNTDOWN TO OSCARS 2019 BEGINS

HOLLYWOOD – The countdown to the 91st Academy Awards (also known popularly as the Oscars) begins.

Sunday sees Jimmy Kimmel host the 90th Academy Awards but here at the Studio Exec we’re already looking forward to the next edition.

We spoke with resident Oscar expert Oscar Isaac:

The 91st edition of the Academy Awards look like being the most competitive ever. A real make or break year. Meryl Streep, Denzel Washington and Tom Hanks are joined in the acting categories by Sting and Kevin James in what has turned out to be a genuinely surprising year. The new Tarantino movie Once Upon a Time in Hollywood might see the famed director get his hands on a Best Picture for the first time. Though some claim that his killing of Leonardo di Caprio might go against him.

He killed di Caprio?

To be fair, Quentin didn’t force him to fly that helicopter in Mexico.

Jesus.

Woody Allen’s collaboration with Roman Polanski – Thank God for Little Girls – was the surprise entrant in the Foreign Language category, his first French language film where it’ll compete with Michael Haneke’s Eine Kliene Nacht Musik – which translates as You Are All a Bunch of Shitting Bastards. As for Best Picture, Guillermo del Toro must certainly be in the running with his Splash reboot and George Lucas for Button Pants. There’s also bound to be the now traditional mix up at the end. Hashtag hilarious.

Thanks Oscar.

That’s fine Exec.

The Oscars are on Sunday.

SEAN SPICER TO HOST THE OSCARS

HOLLYWOOD – Donald Trump’s former press secretary Sean Spicer will host the 90th edition of the Motion Picture Academy Awards in 2018.

Sean Spicer’s journey from despised turd to semi-ironic despised turd continues. Following his appearance on the Emmys, the Melissa McCarthy lookalike is set to host the 90th Oscars ceremony on March 8, 2018. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Sean was full of beans:

I am sooo excited. There’ll be singing and dancing. I love movies and fame and what not. To tell you the truth when they fired me I thought that’s it for the Spicer. Who is going to want me now? But little did I know that this is America and even when people think you’re a vacuous piece of lying shit, they still want ruffle your hair as long as your rich and famous.

What are you going to do?

I’m going to do that joke about how there are millions watching the show. And then I’m going to say ‘period’ like I did in real life and I was serious. And everyone is going to laugh. It’ll be funny because it’s true. Also, I’d like to do some political humor. I could tell that joke about how Hitler never gassed anybody. Hey, if Billy Crystal and Woody Allen can say ‘Jew this’ and ‘Jew that’, I don’t see why I can’t!

Are you worried about taking on such a big role as a relative amateur?

That’s what we all thought about Donald Trump and now look where we are! Ha ha. No but seriously. If James Franco and Ann Hathaway can do it, I’m sure I’ll be fine.

How does Donald Trump feel about your job?

He’ll appear as a surprise guest! And we’ll all ruffle his hair. It’ll be hilarious. Other guests include Steve Bannon and the Mooch are going to do a tap dancing/ contortionist act. David Duke is doing a skit about diversity. Who know there were that number of different types of blond hair? And Scott Baio and Kid Rock are going to sing ‘Imagine’ while pissing on a picture of Hillary Clinton! But you know, ironically.

The Oscars will be on March 8, 2018.

 

JACKIE CHAN TURNS UP TO THE OSCARS WAY TOO EARLY

HOLLYWOOD – Last night Jackie Chan turned up to the Oscars way too early.

Hong Kong action star Jackie Chan attended an Oscar ceremony three months before they were due to begin.

Having awarded himself a life-time achievement award, the Drunken Master himself spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

The fact of the matter is they’re not going to give me an Oscar if I hang around until February. The traffic is always bad and the paparazzi are there too. Plus I think I have a birthday that weekend. Anyway, this way I get the Oscar and I have it for Christmas as well.

Star of over 500 films, Jackie Chan has broken more bones than Kevin James has eaten Doritos. The Oscar stands as a belated award for his sterling contribution to comedy, action and martial arts movie making.

Jackie Chan’s Waiting for Godot will be released in 2017.

 

THE STUDIO EXEC OSCAR PREDICTIONS 100 PERCENT EXACT

HOLLYWOOD – Yesterday we made our Oscar predictions and today we triumph in our 100 percent success rate.

The Oscars 2016 – alternatively known as the Academy Awards of OSCARS – are over and the Studio Exec having made his predictions (click here for that) has seen them confirmed 100%.

Here if anyone is still interested is

Best Picture

Who we predicted to Win: Spotlight

Who Did Win: Spotlight

Best Director 

Who we predicted to Win: Alejandro G. Iñárritu

Who Did Win: Alejandro G. Iñárritu

Best Actor

Who we predicted to Win: Leonardo diCaprio

Who Did Win: Leonardo diCaprio

Best Actress

Who we predicted to Win: Brie Larson – Room

Who Did Win: Brie Larson

Best Supporting Actor

Who we predicted to Win: Mark Rylance – Bridge of Spies

Who Did Win: Mark Rylance

Best Supporting Actress

Who we predicted to Win: Alicia Vikander – The Danish Girl

Who Did Win: Alicia Vikander

Best Adapted Screenplay

Who we predicted to Win: The Big Short

Who Did Win: The Big Short

Best Original Screenplay

Who we predicted to Win: Spotlight

Who Did Win: Spotlight

Best Animated Feature

Who we predicted to Win: Inside Out

Who Did Win: Inside Out

Best Foreign Feature

Who we predicted to Win: Son of Saul

Who Did Win: Son of Saul

Best Documentary Feature

Who we predicted to Win: Amy

Who Did Win: Amy

Best Cinematography

Who we predicted to Win: Emmanuel Lubezki – The Revenant

Who Did Win: Emmanuel Lubezki

Best Music

Who we predicted to Win: Ennio Morricone

Who Did Win: Ennio Morricone

Costume Design

Don’t give a shit

Film Editing

What?

Make up and Hair Design

Pffffffffft.

Production Design

Yes.

Sounding editing, Visual Effects, Animated Short, Documentary Short, Short Short

Nope. Mad Max Fury Road. I think. I don’t know.

For more Oscars Click HERE.

OSCARS 2016: WHO SHOULD WIN; WHO WILL WIN

HOLLYWOOD – The Oscars are almost Oscaring in the Oscars Hotel in Oscarsland, Hollywood.

But who should win the Oscars 2016 – alternatively known as the Academy Awards of OSCARS – ? Here the Studio Exec tells you his predictions for who should win and tells you who will win.

Best Picture

Who Should Win: Mad Max Fury Road

Who Will Win: Mad Max Fury Road

Best Director 

Who Should Win: Alejandro G. Iñárritu

Who Will Win: Alejandro G. Iñárritu

Best Actor

Who Should Win: Leonardo diCaprio

Who Will Win: Leonardo diCaprio

Best Actress

Who Should Win: Brie Larson – Room

Who Will Win: Brie Larson

Best Supporting Actor

Who Should Win: Sylvester Stallone – Creed

Who Will Win: Sylvester Stallone

Best Supporting Actress

Who Should Win: Jennifer Jason Leigh

Who Will Win: Jennifer Jason Leigh

Best Adapted Screenplay

Who Should Win: Room

Who Will Win: Room

Best Original Screenplay

Who Should Win: Ex Machina

Who Will Win: Ex Machina

Best Animated Feature

Who Should Win: Anomalisa

Who Will Win: Anomalisa

Best Foreign Feature

Who Should Win: Son of Saul

Who Will Win: Son of Saul

Best Documentary Feature

Who Should Win: Amy

Who Will Win: Amy

Best Cinematography

Who Should Win: Roger Deakins – Sicario

Who Will Win: Roger Deakins – Sicario

Best Music

Who Should Win: Ennio Morricone

Who Will Win: Ennio Morricone

Costume Design

Don’t give a shit

Film Editing

What?

Make up and Hair Design

Pffffffffft.

Production Design

Yes.

Sounding editing, Visual Effects, Animated Short, Documentary Short, Short Short

Nope.

For more Oscars Click HERE.

JAMES FRANCO AND ANNE HATHAWAY ARRESTED

HOLLYWOOD – James Franco and Anne Hathaway have been arrested today under a charge of attempted abduction.

The two Hollywood actors James Franco and Anne Hathaway have been arrested and charged with attempted kidnapped, after they were discovered early this morning hiding outside Chris Rock’s house with rope, duct tape and a large Persian carpet. Suspicion was raised when an off duty police officer observed the Les Miserables star and her Spider-man 3 accomplice crouching in the bushes outside the grounds of Chris Rock’s house in the Hollywood hills. The pair were apprehended and a back up car was called.

Officer Dibble of the LAPD told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I could hear Anne Hathaway singing under her breath as the two were apparently waiting for the lights to go out in the house. She was singing something about there was a time when men were kind, their voices soft their words inviting.

What was Franco doing? 

He was smoking something that later found out was for his glaucoma.

The two actors shot to fame in 2011 when together they hosted the Academy Awards, alternatively known as the Oscars. Mr. Rock is due to host the ceremony himself and has been apprised of the attempt, but it is unclear as to whether or not he will press charges. The police say they are baffled as to the motive as both Hathaway and Franco are rightly regarded as the best Oscar hosts ever.

The Academy Awards will be broadcast on the 28th of February.

KANYE WEST TO HOST OSCARS

HOLLYWOOD – Kanye West is to take over from Chris Rock and host the 88th Academy Awards, AKA The Oscars on the 28th of February.

Kanye West announced that he would be replacing Chris Rock as the Oscars host last night. He told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that his decision to step in came as a response to the Oscars So White controversy.

There comes a time in a man’s life that he cannot just stand by on the other side of the street. When you see oppression, when you see a brother or sister beaten by the cops, when you see hunger and deprivation, when you see Taylor Swift pick up a VMA, you just gotta step in, or be less than what you think you are.

So the Academy hired you as a way of…

The Academy didn’t hire me. They wouldn’t hire someone like me. I’m a maverick, a visionary and potentially a Presidential candidate, but first I want to see how Donald does. Heh heh. Donald does? Sounds a bit like Donald Duck, don’t it?

And why did Chris Rock decide to step down? He looked like he was nailed on to host.

Will you get the story straight SE? Chris Rock hasn’t stepped down and likely won’t. I, Kanye West, father of the compass children, husband of the Kardashian who could, rapper of every album getting progressively crapper, am stepping up. I’m going to get on the stage of the Dolby and grab that microphone. Best Actress: Beyonce! Best Actor: Kanye West. Best Director: Spike Lee! Best Picture: Runaway.

Those aren’t the nominees.

Do I look like I give a God Damn? You don’t nominate Kanye, Kanye nominates you! Hashtag gonna be Oscars So Kanye!

The Academy Awards will be held at the Dolby Theater on 28th of February, 2016. Image by @SoundIsStyle.

CHARLOTTE RAMPLING AND MICHAEL CAINE STEAL OSCARS FROM BLACK PEOPLE

HOLLYWOOD – The controversy concerning Oscars and diversity continues as Michael Caine and Charlotte Rampling allegedly broke into several houses last night and stole the Oscars won by black actors and directors.

Charlotte Rampling and Michael Caine last night have broken into the houses of several famous black actors and Hollywood players – including Denzel Washington, Steve McQueen, Lupita Nyong’o and Spike Lee – and stole the Oscars which they won. Charlotte Rampling told a French radio station:

It’s not fair that black people win Oscars. It’s racist against white people who are dying in all parts of the world because they haven’t won an Oscar.

According to her own confession, the two actors set out with a map and a set of housebreaking tools around seven thirty last night and by early this morning has accrued several Academy Awards which they proudly showed off to photographers (see picture above). Michael Caine was rather less bullish in his remarks, telling the BBC:

It’s all just a bit of fun really. To tell you the truth I’ve always been a little bit in love with Charlotte so she can ask me to do anything and I’m game. Of course, we’ll give the Oscars back, but I think we’re going to have a little fun and make it into something like a treasure hunt or something.

Lupita Nyong’o was actually in when the Rampling Caine robbery team called round and said that she grew suspicious when Charlotte Rampling asked to use the bathroom and then was found poking around in the bedroom.

The police said that they weren’t investigating the incident because Charlotte Rampling and Michael Caine are both white.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

MICHAEL CAINE SAYS ALL BLACK PEOPLE SHOULD GO BACK TO EUROPE

LONDON – 83 Year old actor Michael Caine has stirred controversy across the internet by speaking in an interview and letting out great wafting opinion balloons that are now floating in the upper atmosphere causing confusion among astronauts and the pilots of passenger jets.

In the full interview that we haven’t read or listened to it (I think it was the Today program) Michael Caine said something along the lines of:

All black people should go back to where they came from: Europe! The refugee crisis has been caused by faceless European bureaucrats and it doesn’t seem fair that they are demanding that they all get Oscars. I’m not going to vote for an actor to get an Oscar just because some unelected Euro-crat in Brussels says I have to because he’s an immigrant and black. I watched Idris Elba in Beast of No Nation and I thought he was great and just because he’s British and not European and a refugee from Europe I’m not allowed to vote for him. That makes no sense to me whatsoever. I mean this is racism really. It’s about time that Britain left Europe, and I don’t mean by severing political and economic ties, I mean by us all getting long wooden sticks, standing on the east coast and punting the bloody island as far into the Atlantic as Ireland would allow. I forgot about Ireland. Maybe we could go a bit South as well. The weather would be nicer for a start. Anyway these are details David Cameron can sort out later.

Twitter was outraged that the star of Zulu and Ashanti said some stuff that someone else had tweeted to them who hadn’t read the interview either. Everyone is angry and no one is happy. But at least his trending didn’t mean he’s dead, which is what (frankly) we all thought when we saw him trending – what with David Bowie and Alan Rickman and it being January and all. However, it was also revealed that Michael Caine had sneaked into Spike Lee’s house and stolen his Oscar ‘for a laugh’. Spike Lee is understandably furious and has ordered his private army of fans to ‘Get Caine!’

Michael Caine’s new book I Only Meant To Blow The Bloody Internet Up will be released on Thursday.

WILL SMITH: WHY I WON’T ACCEPT THE BEST ACTOR OSCAR

HOLLYWOOD – As the award season picks up, one favorite contender for the best actor Oscar, Will Smith, has told the Studio Exec why he won’t be picked up the best actor statuette, or attending the ceremony during which he would win it.

My name is Will Smith. You might know me from such films as Bad Boys, Bad Boys II or perhaps The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. I was also in Wild Wild West, but no one really remembers that and in our house we just call it ‘the time dad was always angry’.  As the Oscars approach I think it’s important that I make a statement concerning my decision not to attend the ceremony and not to accept the award for Best Actor, which I was going to win for my amazing role in the football drama Concussion. You see over the years I’ve seen the number of films made by and starring black artists increase. The diversity on our screens is staggering and yet the Academy every year seems to pass over these talents in a way that you don’t want to attribute to prejudice but for which no other explanation is readily available. My wife Jada Pinkett Smith has been an actress for as long as I have but  her work in The Nutty Professor, Matrix Revolutions and Madagascar 3 has not received even one nomination. Not one. As in zero. This can only be because of racism.

I have a unique position in the black community as one of the few actors, along with Denzel Washington, who has the genuine ability to open a big budget film. I’ve been offered nominations all the time but I’ve always turned them down because I feel that to accept the nomination and then the Oscar while my brothers and sisters are not even getting nominated would make me into the worst kind of hypocrite. I won’t do it.  It doesn’t make me happy. I wish I could say, well, okay I’ll take it. I worked hard, I deserve it. I got my speech written down and everything. All the folks I want to thank. We even timed it so the orchestra doesn’t start playing the music to Independence Day while I’m still speaking.

But there is a bigger issue at stake. It’s bad enough the levels of massive inequality, the poverty, the way the prison population likewise bespeaks a society that far from being over racism seems to be becoming more entrenched behind positions of prejudice: it’s bad enough young black kids are getting shot in the streets by the police, but the stinger, the real thing that is gonna get everyone fuming mad is if some very rich people don’t get more recognition from another bunch of very rich people in a televised ceremony and everyone talks about the clothes they’re wearing. Of such injustices revolutions are made.

So this is why I respectfully ask that the Motion Picture Academy of Cinematic Arts do not reward me the Best Actor Oscar for Concussion. But instead give it to someone else. Leonardo deserves it. But anyone else. Not Eddie Redmayne though. I mean Jesus, not him. Christ that film was dull.

Will Smith will be next visible in Suicide Squad.

THE OSCARS WILL BE MADE OF CHOCOLATE THIS YEAR

HOLLYWOOD – The Oscars to hand out statuettes made of edible chocolate in 2016 ceremony.

The Academy Awards – popularly known as the Oscars – are due to be presented on the 28th of February, 2016, but the statuettes handed out will not be the same as in years past. Usually the statuettes handed out to the winners in various categories – best actor, best film, best make up artist etc – are made of Britannia metal plated with nickel, silver and gold. However, this year for the first time ever the Oscars will be made out of the finest Belgian chocolate.

Oscars designer Kemp Helpful told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

This is not the first time the Oscars have had a redesign. The very first ones were actually solid bronze and in the war because of metal shortages, the statuettes were made with pewter. However, we have had a lot of complaints that the symbol of the Oscar is outdated so we decided to go with something fun: chocolate.

Chocolate?

We thought of bacon first of all but the idea of the statuettes made of bacon under those lights… sheesh. And then there are religious sensitivities to be considered so we decided on chocolate.

But won’t chocolate melt under the lights?

Well, yeah. The lights are really powerful. It can get very hot both on stage and behind stage.

So the chocolate will melt.

Sorry, what?

I mean won’t it melt. 

But these are made of … chocolate. It’s Belgian so… It might. I don’t know.

What about if actors are allergic to Oscars?

There aren’t any actors who are allergic to chocolate.

Leonardo diCaprio is.

Ha ha. Well, don’t worry. He ain’t winning one.

The Oscars will be broadcast on the 28th of February, 2016.