HOW TO WATCH FIFTY SHADES OF GREY

HOLLYWOOD – New guidelines on how to watch Fifty Shades of Grey have published.

Fifty Shades of Grey Watching Guide:

1. Sit comfortably in the cinema.

2. Take the blindfold out of your trouser pocket where it will have been warmed by your excitement.

3. Position the blindfold over your eyes and then tie the knot tight. No peeking. Tight I said. Owch, that’s too tight. Okay that’s Okay.

4. Oh wait, they might have some good trailers. Take the blindfold off.

5. Nope, adverts. Put it back on again.

6. Now there are trailers. They might have the one for Mad Max: Fury Road or The Force Awakens.

7. The movie is beginning. Reposition the blindfold.

8. Take the earplugs out of your pocket where they will be moist from the melted chocolate bar you forgot was in there.

9. Put them in your ears. That’s right. In. Deep. Uh huh! Okay. Can you hear me? No of course you can’t I could say anything. You smell like a wet badger. Did you hear that? I don’t care if you did. Did it hurt your feelings? I don’t care. I am the MASTER.

10. Once the film is over, think about the ten dollars you paid for your ticket and you didn’t even get to see the film did you? Ow! That hurts! Think about it again. Ow. And again. Again. Ahhhhhhhh.

Fifty Shades of Grey is out.  

 

50 SHADES OF GREY ENDING CHANGED

HOLLYWOOD – The trailer for the new 50 Shades of Grey film hit the internet this week, along with a rumor that the ending of the film will be dramatically different from the finale of the E.L. James authored masterpiece.

Continue reading “50 SHADES OF GREY ENDING CHANGED”

CANNES DIARY: DAY 2

CANNES – Hold onto your hats Ladies. Glamour and sex appeal arrived on the Croisette and his name is Timothy Spall.

When Ryan Gosling was an ugly duckling, Michael Fassbender was a sexual position popular in Austria and Tom Hardy, just another Victorian novelist, Spall already had the female world at his beck and call, and he’s back. In Mike Leigh’s wonderful comedy Mr. Turner.

I know what you’re thinking, who plays Hooch? No. I made that mistake too but no, this film (sadly) has nothing to do with the inspired Tom Hanks dog comedy from 1989. No this is all about a dauber of rather inaccurate landscapes who had a penchant for spitting on his canvases.

I had an opportunity to talk to Spall and I put it to him that many female members of his audience – if not a few male – were coming to ogle rather than admire.

Yes, that is true and it saddens me. I’m a human being with feelings and inner thoughts and I get heartily tired of being treated like beef cake, which I am as well. Obviously. This film is an opportunity for me to branch out into a role I really feel. Mike had me study painting for two years in preparation and the rehearsal period was very long. A full six months.

And what about the spitting?

Three weeks of spitting, one for consistency and a fortnight for direction.

Amazing. And what’s next for Spall?

I’m going to be playing Christian Grey in 50 Shades of Grey.

Mr. Turner is out in October.

MAX VON SYDOW IS CHRISTIAN GREY IN 50 SHADES OF GREY

HOLLYWOOD  – The wait is over; the fervid rumors can cease: finally, the film makers turning E.L. James’ erotic literary masterpiece Fifty Shades of Grey have found their Charlie Hunnam replacement and lead: Max Von Sydow.

‘We thought Shia LaBeouf and Ryan Gosling at first and then we thought, maybe Robert Pattinson, but in the end we decided to go with an actor,’ says producer, Hamish McRse. ‘And name me a better actor than famed Swedish thespian Max Von Sydow.’


Von Sydow – or Jesus the Merciless as he prefers to be known – said that he was delighted to have landed the role:

I’ve read the book a number of times and it is very racy, but I’ve talked to my doctors and they say that as long as I get plenty of rest the night before I should be up for it. I will of course follow the example of the great Shia LaBeouf and insist on doing it for real.

 As yet no name has been announced for Anastasia Steele, the young student who is swept up in Christian (Sydow) sadomasochistic sex dominance games sex, although Emma Watson and Jennifer Lawrence have both been rumoured. More on this story as it breaks.

CORRECTION: in an earlier post it was mentioned that Rutger Hauer would be playing the role but that was an error and – as many of you pointed out – plainly ridiculous, he’s much too young.

50 Shades of Grey is due in cinemas sometime in 2014.

REVEALED WHY CHARLIE HUNNAM LEFT 50 SHADES


HOLLYWOOD – The world has been reeling since news broke over the weekend that Pacific Rim star Charlie Hunnam would not be playing Christian Grey in the movie version of the E.L. James S&M porn fest that is 50 Shades of Grey. Focus Features released a statement exclusively to the Studio Exec detailing the behind the scenes drama which led up to the Hunnam exit as it is being called.  

Everything was set for production, but there were still unresolved issues as to certain creative decisions yet to be made, and Charlie, who is a very talented actor, on learning some of the original impulses that were driving the source material decided on long reflection that this would not be a project that he would be able to devote the passion to that would be necessary for a successful realization of the director’s and the author’s original vision. 

Charlie Hunnam gave a shorter statement. 

I read the book.

50 Shades of Grey will begin shooting with Max Von Sydow in the lead.  

 

CORRECTION: EMMA WATSON IN 50 SHADES OF GREY

HOLLYWOOD – Yesterday, we published the news that Emma Watson had agreed (finally) to star in Fifty Shades of Grey as Anastasia Steele, the young University student who becomes the ping pong playing partner of business man and sado-masochist Christian Grey.

We are extremely sorry to report there were some errors in the original article which we seek to correct now (after the jump).

  1. There is no ping pong in the story. Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey at no point play ping pong. Ping pong has no relevance here, except at a push as double entendre – and even then it would be very difficult to squeeze in and could cause some to gasp.
  2. We stated that the film was to be based on the ‘E.L. James masterpiece’. We have since discovered that the book cannot be fairly described as a masterpiece unless a) you don’t ever read books; b) you don’t understand the meaning of the word ‘masterpiece’ or c) you’re being sarcastic.
  3. Emma Watson has agreed to appear in Fifty Shades of Grey, but she will NOT play Anastasia Steele. Instead, she will play Christian Grey. Anastasia Steele will be played either by Benedict Cumberbatch or Tom Hiddleston. Both actors have said they are willing to play the role and producers believe the cross dressing, gender bending that Watson is insisting on will make the film ‘sexier than seeing your father dressed in your mother’s underwear, especially if you have very sexy parents’.
We apologize once more for any confusion caused.

EMMA WATSON: OF COURSE I’M GOING TO STAR IN 50 SHADES OF GREY

HOLLYWOOD – Earlier today, Emma Watson created mild surprise in Hollywood today with a 180 degree turn as she announced she was fully on board to star as Anastasia Steele in the upcoming Fifty Shades of Grey movie.

She tweeted:

Apparently drunk, she continued in this vane for some hours, but many of the tweets were later deleted.  Speculation has been rife about the casting of the E.L. James masterpiece with many tipping Ms. Watson or Keira Knightley for the role. Competition between the two actresses to play the young student turned business man’s sex toy, they had a bikini fight in a paddling pool filled with jelly, although that might have been a dream.

STAR WARS STANDALONE: YOUNG YODA

HOLLYWOOD – The first news has come out concerning the new standalone Star Wars movie, Yoda: High School Years. Kermit has already been announced in a piece of inspired casting, as the future Jedi master.
Writer Brett Easton Ellis has leaked plot details.

Yoda is a young kid, uncertain, nervous, but with this incredible gift that he doesn’t know how to use.  He goes to Dagobah High and gets bullied and falls in love with the girl and worries about going to the Prom. 

Disney heads have denied that Mr. Ellis – the author of American Psycho – is in anyway involved with the franchise. ‘Jesus, he keeps giving himself jobs,’ said a source. ‘It’s the Fifty Shades of Grey all over again.’
However, they did confirm that the tone would be relatively light.

Oh yeah, there’ll be lots of jokes about him growing. ‘After twenty years so small I will not be’ he says a lot. Woody Allen is going to voice his father and Billy Crystal will voice the mother (I know, I know, we’ve addressed this).   

Kermit admitted he was nervous about taking on such an icon.

I know that there will be a lot of fans out there waiting for me to fail, but I’m at a stage in my career when I want to take risks. I want to break the bubble.


 Yoda: High School Years will be released in 2015.