CHRISTOPHER NOLAN: THE FUTURE OF CINEMA

HOLLYWOOD – Dunkirk director Christopher Nolan discusses the future of cinema.

Hi everyone. Urm, yeah, Christopher Nolan here; director of the Dark Knight Trilogy, Inception and … oh, Memento. Yeah. That’s right. Have I got your attention? Yeah, um, I thought so.

Reports of the death of cinema, to paraphrase Mark Twain, have been greatly exaggerated. Mobile phones, illegal downloads, people eating nachos with dips, 3D glasses and Michael Bay have all certainly had their deleterious effect but with the right innovations cinema is going to be alive and well and better than ever far into the future. How do you ask? Well, I made The Prestige, and here are three magic suggestions. 

1. More comic books movies. I visited my local multiplex the other day and was shocked to see that two of the seventeen screens were occupied by films not based on comic book characters. One was showing Chef and the other was showing some tripe about a boy growing up with awful CGI ageing, no doubt. Comic book movies are great because you don’t really need a script, or acting, or anything and then Hans Zimmer lends you his epic thumping score and away you go. Make it a little bit somber, darken the palette, put in Mikey Caine and the critics will lap it up. So more of these. I’ll exec them for a premium fee.

2. Free gimmicks with your ticket. You buy a cinema ticket today and what do you get? Just a bit of card with the name of the film and which screen it’s on, maybe a seat number. Rubbish. You should get a gimmick like a Frisbee, or a rattle, something to occupy the hands during slow parts of the film. Imagine watching Le Weekend – a bit dull I know – and then a game of Ultimate Frisbee breaks out! Amazing.

3. Balloon net. This is the topper and I don’t think this has been done before. Rig a large net over every auditorium and when the film comes to its climax, release thousands of balloons from the net, along with party streamers and confetti bombs! Can you imagine watching Mamma Mia for instance or 12 Years a Slave and as the final shot comes on streamers and balloons float from the ceiling? It would be AMAZING!

Christopher Nolan’s Interstellar 2 will be released in November.

SHAME RE-RELEASED IN IMAX 3D

HOLLYWOOD – Steve McQueen’s second feature – Shame starring Michael Fassbender – is to get a 3D IMAX release this month.

James Cameron said that this ‘was exactly what 3D was for.’

The Aliens director went on and on:

Can you imagine Michael Fassbender’s massive performance on the massive IMAX screen and then add to that the 3D which will mean you can almost, in the words of Depeche Mode, reach out and touch it? I know that I’ll be first in line to see that.

Steve McQueen himself remains skeptical of the new technology.

‘Cinema itself is an immersive experience and I’m not sure what this can add,’ he told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY. ‘But then again, money.’

Shame will be on limited release in IMAX cinemas near you from Friday.

3D WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A JOKE, ADMITS JAMES CAMERON

HOLLYWOODJames Cameron admitted today in a shock revelation that will undoubtedly rock the whole of Hollywood that the reintroduction of 3D was actually the result of an off-the-cuff remark, which was supposed to be a joke.

The Avatar “visionary” is famous for his hilarious sense of humor and is only challenged by Woody Harrelson for the crown as king of the Hollywood practical jokers.

Bill Paxton tells the story:

This was a couple of years after Titanic and everyone was hanging on Jimmy’s every word, all the top brass at the studios, anything he said they would jump to do because as far as they could see he was golden. One evening we’re eating out at thisJapanese restaurant and he challenges me. He says “What is the most ridiculous thing that I can ask for?” So I think and then I say “3D”.

The Piranha 2: The Spawning director and the Twister actor laughed over their sushi, but Jimmy Cameron took up the gauntlet. ‘I was amazed when I first heard that Avatar was going to be in 3D,’ the Paxo man recalls. ‘But then it became unstoppable. The irony is Jimmy hates 3D as much as anyone else.’

With arguments raging about expensive equipment, exorbitant ticket prices, reduced luminosity and silly glasses, the erstwhile King of the World has finally decided to come clean.

‘I didn’t mean it to go so far but really, you’re all too gullible. You have to remember I’m, the guy who put Arnie Schwarzenegger in a 007 kind of role. I’m the guy who made out like Michael Biehn was an actor. Come on, seriously. How could you take anything I said at face value?’

Is it true that you yourself don’t like 3D?

‘It’s like those theaters we used to make out of cereal boxes when we were kids. It’s embarrassingly bad. A series of flat surfaces. It looks flatter than 2D for crying out loud,’ Cameron starts shouting, his lips flecked with spit. ‘Why do you think I keep going down to the bottom of the ocean? It’s the only place I can go and have a really good laugh at you assholes.’

Avatar 2 and 3 are due out sometime in the next decade.

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN: THE FUTURE OF CINEMA

HOLLYWOOD – Hi everyone. Urm, yeah, Christopher Nolan here; director of the Dark Knight Trilogy, Inception and … oh, Memento. Yeah. That’s right. Have I got your attention? Yeah, um, I thought so.

Reports of the death of cinema, to paraphrase Mark Twain, have been greatly exaggerated. Mobile phones, illegal downloads, people eating nachos with dips, 3D glasses and Michael Bay have all certainly had their deleterious effect but with the right innovations cinema is going to be alive and well and better than ever far into the future. How do you ask? Well, I made The Prestige, and here are three magic suggestions. 

1. More comic books movies. I visited my local multiplex the other day and was shocked to see that two of the seventeen screens were occupied by films not based on comic book characters. One was showing Chef and the other was showing some tripe about a boy growing up with awful CGI ageing, no doubt. Comic book movies are great because you don’t really need a script, or acting, or anything and then Hans Zimmer lends you his epic thumping score and away you go. Make it a little bit somber, darken the palette, put in Mikey Caine and the critics will lap it up. So more of these. I’ll exec them for a premium fee.

2. Free gimmicks with your ticket. You buy a cinema ticket today and what do you get? Just a bit of card with the name of the film and which screen it’s on, maybe a seat number. Rubbish. You should get a gimmick like a Frisbee, or a rattle, something to occupy the hands during slow parts of the film. Imagine watching Le Weekend – a bit dull I know – and then a game of Ultimate Frisbee breaks out! Amazing.

3. Balloon net. This is the topper and I don’t think this has been done before. Rig a large net over every auditorium and when the film comes to its climax, release thousands of balloons from the net, along with party streamers and confetti bombs! Can you imagine watching Mamma Mia for instance or 12 Years a Slave and as the final shot comes on streamers and balloons float from the ceiling? It would be AMAZING!

Christopher Nolan’s Interstellar will be released in November.

INSIDE FLUFFER’S STUDIO (PART 4)

Despite leaving nearly three messages Sir Edwin’s agent still hasn’t heard anything about his client’s offer to appear on In The Actor’s Studio.  Here are just a few of the pearls of wisdom the screen veteran hopes to share with a small but appreciative audience about making a living in this business he still calls ‘show’.

8 Science Fiction

It’s very difficult to appear in a science fiction movie and not end up with egg on your face. The costumes are ridiculous, the dialogue is utterly meaningless, but they do attract the kind of audience that wear t-shirts and so don’t think twice about paying $25 for your autograph. The thing to remember about pictures set in space is that everywhere’s called Planet This or Zone That. When I was filming The Black Hole and the cast started staring at me because I’d forgotten a line I’d just say ‘I’m nipping out to the Smoking Sector: anyone want a cigarette?’ and walk off.  It worked every time. At the wrap party Maximillian Schell gave me an ashtray, which I like to believe was his way of saying ‘I wish I’d thought of that’.

9 Lee Marvin

When Lee Marvin asks you to go for a drink after work it’s probably best to say no. If you’re working the next day there’s every chance you’ll be late on set, which causes no end of problems. The release of The Dirty Dozen was delayed by quite some time because Lee and Robert Ryan went out for a quick one and didn’t get back for eighteen months. And that was only because the authorities in Mexico were very understanding. Lee put his time in jail to good use creating a beautiful corkscrew with an ornate carved handle that he used to scratch off his lottery tickets.

10 3D

3D is another one of these newfangled ideas that’s actually been around for so long that everyone forgot it existed in the first place. After the success of Creature From The Black Lagoon I was cast in the sequel, Raccoon From The Rocky River, playing a Canadian Mountie who gets bitten by a radioactive raccoon. Sadly it wasn’t as much fun as it sounds, and several takes were ruined because I kept bumping into the set. It wasn’t until years later that Sophia Loren told me you don’t actually have to wear the glasses while you’re filming.  Sometimes I wish it had been pointed out at the time, but life’s too short for regrets. That said I am sorry I ran over Linda Hunt, but she ran out from behind an ice cream van and I didn’t have time to break.

THE BBC SAY 3D ‘IS SHIT’

LONDON – In a change of policy, the British Broadcasting Corporation – popularly known as the BBC – has decided to discontinue supporting 3D programming content for its viewers, citing a lack of interest and the fact that 3D ‘is shit.’

The full BBC statement reads:

The British Broadcasting Corporation (which is us) has decided that from this time and henceforth its programming – that is to say our programming – shall remain resolutely positioned in good old fashioned meat and potatoes 2D, and not in James Cameron’s new-fangled, bespectacled 3D twaddle. We at first experimented with the new 3D format thinking that we would look trendy and get more girls (and boys) to tune in. However, we have decided on reflection that we were embarrassing everyone else and most of all ourselves, like a drunken middle aged uncle body-popping at his niece’s wedding. Moreover, it has recently come to our attention that 3D is shit. We mean to say it gives you a headache, and when you do notice it, it takes you right out of what you’re watching.  

The BBC also issued an audio stream along with the statement that sounded like a lot of middle aged executives making raspberry noises with their mouths.  

The BBC will be released in 2017.

THE GODFATHER TRILOGY 3D











SAN FRANCISCO – Wine connoisseur and occasional director Francis Ford Coppola, has sensationally revealed he has finished remastering The Godfathertrilogy and 3D versions of his epic saga will be released back to back in summer 2013.

We caught up with Francis in his vineyard to chat about his return to the House of Corleone.

Mr Coppola. How long have you been working on the project?

That’s an interesting question. About 15 minutes.

15 minutes ?

Yes about that. I was amazed actually I heard James Cameron worked on Avatar for 10 years so I was prepared for a long haul but it was a remarkably easy process.

But the trilogy is around nine hours long. Surely the conversion process takes months, if not years to complete?

What do you mean by conversion?

I mean the rendering, the rotoscoping, the CGI etc.

Sorry I don’t know what any of those things are. Technology has advanced since I was in my heyday and though I respect film makers who utilise the modern gadgets. I prefer to use traditional methods.

Such as?

I just ordered a shipment of 3D glasses on the Internet. The producer of Wrath of the Titans was selling them on E-bay and I got a really good deal.

That’s great, but what have you done to the film itself to convert it from 2D to 3D?

What the hell are you talking about man? I’ve not touched the original films; they’re perfect the way they are. Why would you need to do that anyway when all you have to do is put on a pair of glasses and hey presto, instant 3D?!

Well I’m sorry Mr Coppola but simply watching the film through a pair of 3D glasses will distort the image and make the picture unwatchable. You have to convert the film itself!

You’re F*cking kidding me right?

Unfortunately not.

But George Lucas told me all you have to do is buy a load of glasses and the audience ‘imagines’ the movie is in 3D!

I fear Mr Lucas was playing a practical joke on you.

Oh F*ck me. I thought I heard him giggling in the background when I called Spielberg to tell him the release dates. What the f*ck am I going to do now? The studio is expecting the films next summer. They’ve designed a poster and everything!

You could try converting the film.

That would take millions of dollars and years to complete. I don’t have that kind of cash.

It seems like you’re in quite the pickle Mr Coppola. Thanks for the interview and good luck.

Wait!. Do you know anyone who wants to buy 800,000 pairs of 3D glasses?. I’ll knock 10% off!

The Godfather Trilogy 3D will not be released in Summer 2013