HOLLYWOOD – Liam Neeson and Alec Baldwin have stepped in and solved women.

The world breathed a sigh of relief last night after news broken that Liam Neeson and Alec Baldwin had got together and solved women.

Alec Baldwin spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

It was looking a bit tricky back there. Lots of people were wondering how it was going to pan out. There’s the #MeToo movement and then there’s also #TimesUp. And what’s going on with Kevin Spacey and Woody Allen and Aziz Anzari. Luckily though I had a big think about it and I worked it all out.

Liam Neeson added:

Women are very complicated creatures. Some would say they’re deadlier than the male. But statistics actually prove that isn’t the case. It’s a myth.

What qualifies you to solve women?

LN: I have a particular set of skills.

AB: I was good on 30 Rock. And I’ve played Donald Trump to huge acclaim.

But that isn’t…?

LN: I was Zeus for crying out loud. Of course I can do it. I commanded a battleship in that film… what was it?

AB: Battleship?

LN: The A Team I think it was.

Is there a risk that a pair of privileged white men talking about this issue lack authority?

LN: You have to ask why are we privileged?

AB: Maybe we know something you don’t know.

LN: I, for instance, have a particular set of skills.

You keep saying that. But aren’t you worried people will think you are condescending? Maybe even misogynistic?

AB: How can I be misogynistic? I love women.

LN: When my daughter — DAUGHTER — was kidnapped, I not only found her, I killed about thirty guys. Then my wife and daughter – both of them women, you’ll note – got kidnapped again, I killed about thirty. I must admit the third time they tried to kidnap my wife I was thinking, how come the silly bitch keeps getting kidnapped? But I still avenged her death, with more violence.

Commuter is in cinemas. I don’t know what Alec Baldwin is doing.


NEW MEXICO – In a surprise move, it was revealed today that long time Alec Baldwin love interest, Twitter has in fact dumped the actor.

The star of 30 Rock, Glengarry Glen Ross and brother to well known popsicle Stephen Baldwin, Alec Baldwin said that the relationship had been in trouble for some time, citing trust issues.
In a final tweet, Twitter commented:

We’ve had our fun, but the outbursts are less sclerotic and the controversy is tired. #AlecBaldwinGoodbye
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3:41 PM – 20 Jan 13 · Embed this Tweet

Oddly, Twitter then went onto Facebook to unleash its feelings through a series of status updates which – when they weren’t pornographic – were deeply sad.

Confused and tired and angry. After all I gave him and he just starts in on me at a funeral. AT A FUNERAL.

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