ACTOR GETS THE OBITUARY HE ALWAYS DREAMED OF

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Massee is dead at the age of 61.

The cause of death has not been released but the passing is obviously premature and Massee was a wonderful character actor who was one of those distinctive presences that audiences always remember even if they don’t necessarily glom to his name straight away. He starred in approximately 80 TV shows and movies, including Seven, Lost Highway, The Amazing Spider-Man, 24, The X-Files and The Blacklist.

His passing was marked by the following headlines.

Variety: Michael Massee, ‘The Crow’ Actor Who Accidentally Shot Brandon Lee, Dies at 61

Deadline: Michael Massee Dies: Brandon Lee’s Accidental Shooter On ‘The Crow’

Hollywood Reporter: Michael Massee Dead: ‘The Crow’ Actor Who Accidentally Shot Brandon Lee

And so it goes.

Masse was involved in the accidental shooting of Brandon Lee. It was an accident that he wasn’t responsible for and that he suffered as result of, withdrawing from acting for some years following the incident. That his death should be headlined in such a way is tasteless and prurient. His whole life summed up by the worst possible day in his life to feed clickbait and improve SEO scores.

Shame on you.

RIP Michael Masse.

KIEFER SUTHERLAND ARRESTED FOR TORTURE AND ILLEGAL KILLING

HOLLYWOOD- Film actor, Donald Sutherland son and all round furniture sitter on-er, Kiefer Sutherland was arrested today in Paris, France by Gendarmes serving an outstanding warrant from the International court of Human Rights in Brussels.

Sutherland had been relaxing in his hotel waiting for a journalist from the French Culture magazine Chapeau when officers broke the door down threw tear gas grenades into the luxury M. Hulot Suite and restrained Mr. Sutherland who tried to fight them off ‘with girlish open handed slaps’, according to one witness.

Mr. Sutherland is accused of 268 cases of homicide in incidents spanning from November of 2001 to late May of 2010, as well as accusations of torture, illegal detention, reckless driving, grievous bodily harm and inappropriate and protracted use of a husky voice. Mr. Sutherland responded to these accusations saying that he was playing a fictional television character called Jack Bauer in a popular series called 24, but the defence didn’t convince the prosecuting judge at the initial hearing, who stated: ‘c’est real! It is so realistic. It cannot be other than the truth.’

Prosecutors say that they have amassed a wealth of evidence, mostly comprising of ‘DVD box sets’:

‘We would have pounced earlier,’ said Maurice Hammier, ‘but we were waiting for the Blu-Ray.’