2015 TO BE CANCELLED

HOLLYWOOD – Following an often up and down 12 month run, it has been announced that 2015 is to be cancelled.

Despite several billion viewers, figures have begun to drop off towards the end with executives close to the production blaming a series of depressing storylines.

A source close to the writer’s room told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Everything was going quite well. We got off to a bumpy start with Charlie Hebdo and there was some weird shit with airplanes this year. But there looked like a chance we were going to pick stuff up, Adele had a new single out there was a new Star Wars too. But then this Paris shit happened and all that ISIS crap. And now we’re even looking at a situation in which Donald Trump or Ben Carson might actually become presidential candidates! It’s just become an unrealistic year.

Many however saw the end of 2015 with some dismay. A website dedicated to fans of 2015 featured a blacked out picture and the words ‘What was all that about?’

However, hope is not lost as many of the same characters will return in a new spin off show called 2016. ‘Hopefully we’ll be riffing on some of the things that made 2015 such a roller-coaster ride while at the same time throwing you some curve balls!’ said Dick Vaseline, one of the top ranking creative consultants.

2016 is due out tomorrow.

WERNER HERZOG’S NEW YEAR RESOLUTION

In which our Austrian contributor Werner Herzog sees out the old year and rings in the new.

The waxy corpse of 2014 is already a clammy cold thing, its stillness the most ghastly attribute. The deceased was many things – confusing, aggravating and bloody with murder – but it was also thrillingly active and to see her lying there now, all laid out, surrounded by yesterday’s bottles of booze and little bowls full of Bombay mix and stale humus is more than I can bare. So I turn my gaze steadfastly to the future and regard with a steely Bavarian glare the prospect of 2015 and what delights and horrors might await, a promise that sounds like a threat.

But how am I to approach this year? How can I avoid repeating my mistakes, or if I am to repeat them, is there anyway Nicolas Cage might be persuaded once more to appear in it?

My first resolution is to watch less films. Aside from my own films, which I perforce must watch in order to edit and to make decisions on the soundtrack etc, I watch a total of three films a year. In 2015 this will be cut to one. I am very much looking forward to Star Wars: The Force Awakens and so I imagine that will be the film I see in 2015.

My second resolution is to try in someway, anyway I can, to destroy Ridley Scott. Although I’ve never seen his films, I can tell from the posters that he is more than a suitable nemesis for me, representing the polar opposite to my ethos and methodology. Exodus: Gods and Kings will probably be his undoing and it was I who advised him to do it. I told him at a restaurant in the South of France, ‘Do a Bible film, Ridley. It’s what the kids are “into”.’ He rejected my script for Leviticus, deciding in his infinite wisdom to say that the foundation of three world religions, the Old Testament book Exodus can only be rewritten by the man who brought us Tom Cruise as a Samurai.

My third and final resolution is to enter the cooking competition Masterchef. I do not wish to win, nor progress. I do want to be judged and judged harshly. Preferably by Gordon Ramsey. I will squirm beneath his tongue lashing.

All that remains is to wish you all the best of luck in this New Year. As Prince so presciently wrote, ‘we are going to party like it’s 1999!’

For more wisdom from Werner Herzog, Click Here.