BILL O’REILLY TO PRODUCE 12 YEARS A WELL FED SLAVE

HOLLYWOOD – Bill O’Reilly has revealed that he is to produce a new movie called 12 Years a Well Fed Slave as an attempt to ‘counteract pervasive lies about slavery being bad’.

Fox News presenter Bill O’Reilly is to move into movie production with his new film 12 Years a Well Fed Slave, which will tell the story of how Solomon Jefferies, a slave. Bought by the Daniels family in Georgia, Jefferies was treated fine, with great food, comfy accommodation and the occasional ‘educational’ beating. Bill O’Reilly spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about the project:12-years-a-slave-trailer-620x341

What I resent is a lot of well-meaning bleeding heart liberals talking about history when they know nothing at all about the actual facts. We all know the image of the suffering slave portrayed in Roots and 12 Years a Slave, but what about the vast majority of slaves who had life good and honky-dory, if that isn’t a racist word now.

I don’t think so.

Michelle Obama was right to say that slaves built the White House, but what she failed to point out was that these slaves got to eat venison on Sundays, were given free tickets to see the Mozart concert, when Mozart was playing in town and played badminton on their purpose built badminton courts. Yes, they were occasionally killed and tortured with impunity, yes, they were absolutely unfree and had no civil liberties, but that’s a small price to pay for Marriage of Figaro and hitting shuttlecocks now and then. I think you’ll agree.

12 Years a Well-Fed Slave will be released in… actually it won’t be released.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT MICHAEL FASSBENDER

HOLLYWOOD – He is one of the most exciting actors around, appearing in Slow West, Assassin’s Creed and a new version of Macbeth, but what do we really know about Michael Fassbender?

The Michael Fassbender FACT squad parachuted behind enemy lines last night, to get FACTS! Here they are:

1. Michael Fassbender has a large penis.

2. Michael Fassbender’s penis is half Irish and half German, a fact which led to Quentin Tarantino casting him in Inglourious Basterds.

3. The many failings of Prometheus could not be blamed on Michael Fassbender’s penis, which was the best thing in it.

4. Michael Fassbender’s penis is due to perform a one man show off Broadway. Details are unconfirmed but it is mainly believed to be stand up.

5. Michael Fassbender’s penis is attached to a versatile and talented actor who has been brilliant in Hunger, Shame and 12 Years a Slave as well as some films not directed by Steve McQueen, like X-Men: First Class and Frank.

For more FACTS click HERE.

COUNTDOWN TO 2014 OSCARS BEGINS BY MISTAKE

HOLLYWOOD – The countdown to the 2014 Oscars has officially begun, following a mistake.

The New Year is here and is often the case some confusion follows in the wake of too much good cheer and celebration. And it was so in the Academy of Motion Pictures and Arts when the countdown to this year’s Academy Awards, or Oscars as they are informally known, was officially initiated. So much so that it accidentally began to the 2014 Oscars and not this year’s 2015 Oscars. An unthinking keystroke means that by the Academy’s own secret rule book the entire 2014 ceremony will have to be replayed before the 2015 one can take place a month later.

 

A spokesperson for the academy was distraught:

We’re going to have to listen to all of Ellen’s terrible jokes and we’re going to have to try and reconstruct that awful selfie. All the awards will have to be announced and the winners and losers will have to feign surprised delight and barely concealed hatred. Steve McQueen is going to have to do that stupid up and down jumping thing he did.

I think it’s just called jumping.

Yeah, well, he’s going to have to do it again. It’s going to be a logistical nightmare and the viewing figures will suffer, almost certainly.

And what about the Oscars in 2015?

I think it is going to be a tight competition between Pompeii and Dumb and Dumber To, with Left Behind being everyone’s dark horse possibility.

The Oscars 2014 take place on the 22nd of February, 2015.

STEVE MCQUEEN SIGNS ON FOR MOCKINGJAY PART 2

HOLLYWOOD – Following his award winning  and critically acclaimed slavery drama 12 Years a Slave, British director and conceptual artist Steve McQueen has signed on to film Hunger Games: Mockingjay (Part Two).

Francis Lawrence – who is directing the first part and was supposed to be directing the second part – expressed his dismay in a statement issued exclusively to the Studio Exec: 

Apparently the studio called Steve McQueen in for a meeting and basically said they wanted him to work with them and they would let him have the pick of projects. He immediately chose Mockingjay: Part Two. My understanding is they tried to dissuade him but he was determined and said it was that or nothing.  

Although not an obvious choice, McQueen explained: ‘I am a concept artist – do you understand that? – yes, and the Hunger Games is a concept. I wish to work with that concept. But … as an artist.’
Fans of the franchise reacted with overwhelming enthusiasm. On Twitter @ILuvJLawMoreThanMy10MonthOldBaby wrote:

McQueen is Totes Amaze in Great Escape!!! #KickingNews

Hunger Games: Mockingjay (Part Two) will be released in 2015.

 

HARVEY WEINSTEIN TO PRODUCE GUN FREE TARANTINO BACK CATALOG

NEW YORK – Harvey Weinstein is to produce a deluxe edition of the works of Quentin Tarantino with all the gun violence and glamorization of violence digitally removed. ‘We’re also going to ADR some explanatory dialogue so that it won’t be so glaring,’ Weinstein said. 

The move follows an interview with Piers Morgan in which – in promoting his film about gun violence –  Weinstein admitted his own complicity and declared that he would no longer be involved with films glamorizing this kind of behaviour:

It’s not like I can just come out with these statements and not back it up with action even at the risk of losing money and damaging my creative relationships. So I’m going to bring out this DVD box set of gunless Yoko Ono style Tarantino. 

Although the versions are not yet commercially available, Weinstein has given a few examples of the changes we can expect. 

  • In Reservoir Dogs, rather than have his ear cut off with a razor, the police man will have his feet tickled with a large feather and Mr. Blonde will only stop when Mr Orange issues some strongly worded criticism.     
  • Pulp Fiction will see Marvin accidentally sprayed with spittle and Kahuna burger when Vincent Vega speaks with his mouthful in the car.
  • Kill Bill will be renamed Bill Gets A Damned Good Talking To. 
  • The finale of Inglourious Basterds will be drastically changed, with Hitler and his Nazi cohorts being ignored in the cinema by the Basterds and in that way made to feel foolish and so desisting with their horrible crimes. 
  • Django Unchained will be cut almost entirely and replaced with 12 Years a Slave.

So how will this affect future releases from Harvey Weinstein? 

Ah, I don’t know. I mean Quentin has something in the works now, but by the time that’s ready for release The Senator’s Wife will have been made and be out, so you know, we should be good to go with the guns again.  

The Quentin Tarantino Peace Out Box Set is due for sale in 2014. 

12 YEARS A SLAVE REBOOT MOOTED

HOLLYWOOD – Steve McQueen’s award winning slave drama 12 Years a Slave is to be remade by Tower Heist director Brett Ratner

The Rush Hour 2 director said: 

12 Years is long, long overdue a remake. Basically there’s a whole younger generation of fans out there who’ve not seen this material. And even the old die hard geeks are going to love what we’re thinking of doing with the Solomon Northup universe.  

Despite early rumors to the contrary, actors Chiwetel Ejiofor and Michael Fassbender will not be returning to play their roles. The Red Dragon – as he prefers to be called – continued:

We’re going with some fresh faces and youth in it. I’ve been talking to Hayden Christensen about the role and he’s intrigued even though he still thinks I’m joking. And I’m still after Andrew Garfield, though I know he’s reluctant to sign on, because of the similarities to his Spider-Man role. The tone of our version is going to be a lot lighter. I think if there’s one criticism one can make of the original (and I love it for it’s old timeyness), it’s that it does tend to concentrate on the less fun aspects of slavery.  

 But there weren’t any fun aspects to slavery?

Well, exactly. That’s what you think now. But wait until you see our version.

 And when will we see it?

I’m currently finishing the post-production on my Three Colors: Blue remake [for more on that project Click Here], starring Cameron Diaz. But that will be locked over the next weeks and then production on 12 Years will begin in May.

Brett Ratner’s 12 Amazing Years a Slave will be released in 2015.

 

12 YEARS A SLAVE: REVIEW

12 YEARS A SLAVE: REVIEW – Solomon Northup (Chiwetel Ejiofor) was a freeman living in New York. He was kidnapped and sold into slavery.

You probably don’t know this, but Steve McQueen has made a film of his autobiography 12 Years a Slave with a more than respectable cast (Michael Fassbender, Lupita N’Yongo, Paul Dano, Paul Giamatti, Benedict Cumberbatch, Scoot McNairy and Brad Pitt), and produced by Brad Pitt. It’s a moving and thoughtful piece, beautifully photographed and with an elegaic Hans Zimmer score, and as befits a film from the perspective of a violinist it seems to think in music. The film has already been amply awarded and critically recognised and looks set to get even more accolades as the season progresses. And if there were anymore doubt about its artistic worth that was quickly dispensed with when it received its final seal of approval: Armond White didn’t like it.

None of this is to say that the film is perfect or above criticism – the casting sometimes feels like a ‘we have to work together sometime’ arrangement and some of those recognizable faces stand out. As a visual artist, McQueen also has a predilection for the tableaux and his fascination with suffering – already evident in Shame and Hunger – breeds an eerie detachment. However, that said, suffering is a fascinating subject and if this is ‘torture porn’ (see Mr. White’s assertion) then so is the Book of Job, King Lear and St. Matthew’s Passion, at which point we can dispense with the term as a denoter of value. This film is not the final word on slavery, nor can any film claim to be, but it is a precisely and humanely rendered depiction of one man’s slave narrative and it deserves to be seen and heard.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT ARMOND WHITE

NEW YORK – The New York critical fraternity were in uproar last night following Armond White‘s jeering of Steve McQueen as he received an award from New York Film Critics Circle last night for his film 12 Years a Slave.

Mr. White – formerly a chair of the association – called McQueen ‘a garbageman and an embarrassing doorman’. But who is Armond White? And what are the FACTS!

1. Armond White doesn’t believe a single word that he says or commits to print.

2. Armond White denies that Stanley Kubrick wore a beard in his later years, claiming that his hairline was incredibly low and he had a bald patch where his mouth, nose and eyes were.

3. Armond White believes Grown Ups 2 to be better than Tarkovsky, Kieslowski, Kurosawa ‘and any other motorcycle you care to name.’

4. Armond White has a succubus that lives in his armpit and is made only happy by provoking leering attention and contrariness, otherwise it bites him.

5. Armond White secretly wishes he had made 12 Years a Slave and has spent quite a lot of time since drunk and weeping.

For more FACTS click here

NEW YORK CRITICS AND LOS ANGELES CRITICS TO FIGHT OVER AWARDS

NEW YORK – David Denby has announced that the New York critics are going to fight the Los Angeles critics after their awards differed significantly. ‘There’s only one way to sort this out,’ the New Yorker critic said. ‘And that’s via some major head bashing in.’

The Los Angeles critics however are refusing to take the attack lying down. Justin Chang of Variety said:

The New York critics think they’re so high and mighty. They call themselves a Circle as if that even makes sense. Kubrick had them down pat when he filmed those scenes in Eyes Wide Shut. That’s exactly what they’re like. 

However, A. O. Scott replied:

We vote for a historically important film – Twelve Years a Slave – and they vote for a Toy Story spin off. I think you can tell which of us type our reviews and who scrawl them in crayon.

Both groups did agree nevertheless that the Boston Online Critic association ‘was just a bunch of bullshit.’ 

New York and Los Angeles Critics Rumble will be broadcast on HBO midweek.

 

SPIKE LEE CRITICIZES ’12 YEARS A SLAVE’: TOO SHORT

HOLLYWOOD – Steve McQueen’s new celebrated film 12 Years a Slave has come under a barrage of criticism from veteran film maker Spike Lee, who declared that at only 138 minutes of running time, the film is ‘over eleven years too short.’

‘You know how reluctant I am to engage in an argument with another film director,’ yelled an incensed Lee over the phone.

But Steve McQueen can only blame himself. He put his claim in the title of the film. I called my film The 25th Hour, not 25 Hours for precisely this reason. If a director is going to handle the sensitive topic of slavery and this blood stain on American history and he calls his film 12 Years a Slave, I want it to last 12 damned years.   

Although the Do the Right Thing director admitted to not having yet seen the film, he said that it was likely not as good as it would’ve been had he made it. ‘For a start, I would’ve called it a “joint” and right there, the revolution begins,’ said Mr. Lee.

In the past Mr. Lee has criticized the Lee Daniels film The Butler (this was later seen to be a mistake and an apology issued) and Danny Boyle’s 127 Hours (‘nowhere near’), but at this point his fellow film makers seem to have grown used to the grousing. Steve McQueen responded to the criticism by shaking his head sadly and muttering under his breath ‘Oh, Spike, Spike, deary me.’

12 Years a Slave is currently showing in selected theaters. 

CAMERON CROWE LASHES OUT AT 12 YEARS A SLAVE

TORONTO –  Veteran film director Cameron Crowe is no stranger to controversy, having unleashed polemics against fellow film makers such as David Lynch and Jane Campion in the past, but earlier today he reached a new pitch when he hurled a vitriolic attack against Steve McQueen‘s new film 12 Years a Slave, which has been garnering massive praise since its Telluride and Toronto screenings.

A source close to the director reported the Almost Famous director saying:

I had high hopes for 12 Years a Slave, having been a great fan of Steve McQueen ever since he tried to jump those barbed wire fences on a motor-bicycle during the Second World War. He didn’t make it but by God, he gave it his best shot. Whereas this film, starring Chiwetel Ejiofor and Michael Fassbender and produced by Brad Pitt, is just a huge disappointment. One long wet fart of a film. 

“What’s wrong with it?” our source (who for legal reasons couldn’t possibly be the Studio Exec) asked.

Well, it tells the story of a freeman, a musician called Solomon Northup, who is kidnapped and sold into slavery where he is brutally mistreated. A damning indictment of American history and a moving chronicle of one man’s fight for freedom. So far so good. But not once does Solomon Northup buy a zoo. Not once. I mean, I know McQueen is principally an actor but this is film making 101. There isn’t even a soft rock montage where the protagonist learns to do something better. Not one. No bitter sweet romance, no you had me at hello. Nothing. Can you even call it a film? is my question.

Steve McQueen has refused to comment on Crowe’s outburst, though Michael Fassbender did respond saying he thought, although Mr. Crowe had a right to his opinion, “Elizabethtown was a big bag of sodden shite.”

12 Years a Slave is due to be released in December, 2013.