MGM: NO TIME FOR BOND RUMORS

HOLLYWOOD – MGM deny running out of Bond rumors.

There have been no new stories or rumors about James Bond 007 surfacing on the internet within the last 48 hours. Larry Sezno – Head of Rumor & Denial at the studio, has been forced to release a statement that MGM deny running out of Bond rumors.

 

MGM Deny Bond Rumor – ‘Plenty Left’

“It’s just bullshit,” He told reporters, “We got plenty of rumors left to waft around on the internet for all you baying donkeys out there. We got teams of dedicated gossip mongers working around the clock. These bitter, sweaty little staff writers who couldn’t get a gig on Saturday Night Live will make sure the Twitter machine is fed. It’ll be chock-full of mini interviews of cast members saying absolutely nothing of any interest to anyone. Then, we let the internet do its magic by weaving in a narrative that although is likely and predictable, is never directly mentioned by us. It’s fucking genius. You all spend hour after hour lapping this stuff up, spaffing your meaningless lives away on this shit. Which means I get paid a truck load of money making sure you do.”

Keyser Soze

“And then what? We don’t even release the movie! We just keep pushing the date further and further back until eventually… puff, and like that, it’s gone. But we deny it’s the Keyser Soze of movies, because he doesn’t exist.”

There Is No Spoon

That brings me onto my next point of business. MGM and EON Productions absolutely and 100% vehemently deny the rumors circulating that there is no Bond film to release. We 100% deny that making big budget movies has become too expensive and too risky. There’s no truth that this forced us into just making trailers. We also robustly deny that there never was a No Time To Die. Or that we’re just waiting for Marvel or Star Wars to cast another woman in a lead role. Then, the internet will lose its shit about that and forget all about our non-existent movie. Therefor we totally deny any of that has any kind of basis in truth whatsoever.”

No Time To Die may one day be released, sometime, somewhere. Your guess is as good as ours.

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: BARBARA BROCCOLI TALKS JAMES BOND

HOLLYWOOD  – The Exec talks exclusively with Barbara Broccoli about James Bond.

Barbara Broccoli, producer of the James Bond films talked with The Studio Exec on a very revealing Zoom call.

Hello? Barbara? Can you point your camera upwards please? All I can see is the white cat on your lap.
‘Zat will not be possible, I am afraid. You will look at my cat, Blofeld. You will see his face only, you will not see my face, muahahahaha.’

Um, ok. But, anyway Barbara, thank you so much for agreeing to talk with me.
‘You are most welcome, Meester Exec. It is always a pleasure talking to such a… deestinguished gentleman with taste and deescretion, muahahahaha.’

Thank you. If you don’t mind me saying, Barbara, I didn’t realise you spoke with such a mysterious, non-specific Eastern European accent?
‘You must be careful, number 2, because many people have said zis before and not many have lived to tell za tale.‘

Are you able to confirm the final release date for No Time To Die?
‘Yes, number 2, I can. It will be released in 2025, but only after we have cast, shot and released the next Bond film. As a result, will we finally be rid of dat damned Daniel Craig and his most excellent Meester Bond, muahahahahah.’

Why do you want to keep us from seeing Daniel Craig’s final film as Bond?
‘Because it is too good. For years, I masterminded za demise of Meester Bond with Piz Bronzan and his smarmy, tongue in cheek comedy. As a result I had Basil Fawlty as R, a silly inveesible car and surfing a god damned tsunami! That was really sheet, muahahahahah.’

‘Then we make Casino Royale and people pay millions because of Craig in his sexy swimming cosy. They pay millions because of his muscles and good acting.  As a result, he insists on Sam bloody Mendes to make the films and they are actually good. Eet makes me sick, so I am taking control back and I will make them sheet again.  Muahahahahahahahahah.’

No Time To Die will be released at some point, perhaps.

EXCLUSIVE: NO TIME TO DIE JAMES BOND SPOILERS LEAK

HOLLYWOOD – A James Bond spoiler leaked onto the internet, causing fans to express anger and consternation.

The James Bond spoiler leaked by several news outlets online a few days ago, caused fans of the much loved franchise to go ape shit.

‘Because I don’t wanna know anything before I illegally download it.’ One fan of the spy movies raged. ‘I’ll decide if I wanna pay to see it in the cinema. I ain’t made of bloody money. These journalists sit there, in their ivory towers. Which, by the way is illegal to trade in. So they’re assholes for that also. They decide what we read about in articles they write and what we don’t! It’s outrageous.’

No Time To Die had its release date pushed back by the Corona virus lockdown. This has led to dramatic secret rewrites and reshoots. James Bond will no longer face reanimated super villain, Freddie Mercury. Because of lockdown, he faces redundancy after being furloughed for months on end. James sat at home trolling jealous husbands, outraged chefs and humiliated tailors on Twitter. Because of this, M played by Tim Bernard Lee (the inventor of the internet), has no choice but to let him go and Bond takes up a position as a security guard at his local Waitrose.

‘Because of this change of scene for Bond, we can take the franchise in a whole new and exciting direction.’ Said long term Bond producer, Barbara Broccoli. ‘Therefore, we can start great new product placement partnerships. In place of the Aston Martin, we have entered a new deal for Bond to drive a Scoda Octavia, it’s great on mileage and soon they’re bringing out a hybrid, kerching! Following on from this, Bond will no longer drink Vodka Martinis, but cans of Stella, smoke Benson and Hedges fags and eat microwave burgers. The fans will love it.’

As Bond stalks the aisles of the upmarket store, he stumbles upon a plot to change the sell by dates in Meat and Dairy. His nemesis, store manager Terry Soldfinger joins forces with the trolley-boy henchmen. The excitement’s off the scale as they attempt the cover up the scandal. Therefore making sure the upcoming stock check goes smoothly and wastage kept to a minimum. This could be Bond’s toughest mission yet. With his license to ’till’ not signed off, Bond goes rogue. Therefore ensuring the customers receive the freshest produce, reducing in-store complaints.

Because of this change in plot, Eon Productions announced a change to the title of 25th installment in the spy franchise.

No Time To Fry is released in November later this year.

DR NO 2 GREEN LIT

HOLLYWOOD – James Bond film Dr No to finally get a sequel.

James Bond fans are finally going to see what happens next to their favorite secret agent 007 in a new sequel planned for the 1963 film Dr No. The original film starred Sean Connery as the suave British spy, pitted against Joseph Weisman’s eponymous villain. Fans of the movie reacted to the news with delight.

James Bond fan club president Elspeth McGiver spoke to the Studio Exec:

A dream come true. Dr No was such an exciting action film, with everything you could want. It seemed ludicrous that they never made a second movie. Especially when far worse characters seem to get long running series these days. Jason Bourne and Jack Reacher, urgh!

The new movie features a story about Dr No returning from the dead mutated by the radiation from the nuclear bomb he was using to ransom the world. Ursula Andress, Wiseman and Connery are all on board and Brett Ratner is understood to be directing.

Dr. No will be released in 2018.

SCRIPT LEAK: DANNY BOYLE’S 007 JAMES BOND

HOLLYWOOD – The script of Danny Boyle’s Bond 25 has leaked onto the internet.

The new James Bond director Danny Boyle is furious that the first draft of the script for the film has leaked onto the internet.

We publish an extract from the first few pages which we obtained from an anonymous source called Ewan McGregor.

EXT. EDINBURGH. DAY.

JAMES BOND runs down the street clutching a six pack of TENNENTS SUPER STRENGTH LAGER.

JAMES BOND (V.O.)

Choose being chased by Helicopters. Choose Walther PPK and a license to kill. Choose Bond girls and Austin Martins. Choose ejector seats and Union Jack parachutes. Choose Grace Jones and Christopher Walken. Choose Q and pens that fire lasers.

EXT. PARK. DAY.

SICK BOY and JAMES BOND have an air rifle and are aiming at random strangers. A skinhead with a bulldog.

SICK BOY 

(SEAN CONNERY accent)

Do you have the beasht in your shights 007?

JAMES BOND

Yesh.

INT. SLUM HOUSE. NIGHT.

James Bond is shooting up heroin. M comes in. 

M

007 what’s the meaning of this? You’re supposed to be on a mission in Brazil.

JAMES BOND

FFfffffffuck offfff.

Bond collapses. 

M

Oh my God, he’s overdosing.

SHIRLEY BASSEY sings ‘Perfect Day’.

 

THE END.

 

For more Script Leaks, Click Here. 

 

DANIEL CRAIG SAYS NO TO COWBOYS AND ALIENS 2

HOLLYWOOD – Daniel Craig announces that he won’t star in Cowboys and Aliens 2.

It’s official. Cowboys and Aliens 2 – the sequel to the 2011 blockbuster and critical success  Cowboys and Aliens – will not star Daniel Craig. Produce Lou Dobster spoke with Studio Exec:

It’s painful but it seems Daniel has chosen to take another road. We were all excited about the possibility of exploring the Cowboys and Aliens universe and the public were rabid in their demand for a new film. But apparently Daniel has other fish to fry. I’m not sure if there’s another Stieg Larsson book to adapt, or perhaps he wants to be in Steven Soderberg’s new male stripper film. But the result is that he’s not coming back to reprise the role of Jake Lonergan.

You sound upset.

Not for myself but the fans. I know how much they were invested in the film. But it’s wasn’t to be. Now, I’ll have to start making phone calls. The hardest will be Harrison. He’s been phoning me up every single night. When are we going to do it? When? he says. Jon Favreau at least can make Chef 2 or go back to political speech writing, but Harrison … I don’t think he has anything else in his life except Cowboys and Aliens.

Has this got anything to do with Craig’s decision to return as James Bond?

Who’s James Bond?

Cowboys and Aliens 2 will star Hayden Christensen.

TIMOTHY DALTON SIGNS ON FOR OLD BOND

HOLLYWOOD – Timothy Dalton will return as James Bond in a spin off 007 project provisionally titled Old Bond.

Timothy Dalton came into the Studio Exec Bungalow to talk about the new project earlier today.

We watched Logan and we thought this is bloody brilliant. So I phoned Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson and I said, ‘Listen you Bloody Bastards, I want to play Bond again. But as an old geezer!’ They said no initially. But then I called them bastards and told them bollocks. And after a while they gave in.

So what will the story consist of?

Of course, being older Bond has other concerns than simply saving the world. He has terrible hemorrhoids and he needs to go to the chemist and get some cream. Then there’s his arthritis and the stair lift is cousin sold him is shit. All the policemen are getting younger and there are too many immigrants for his taste. He spends a lot of time watching old World War Two war films and cheering. However, he is dragged out retirement by his dislike of the Daniel Craig Bond films. It’s very meta.

What?

Yeah. And he decides to take over and do the job properly. So he kidnaps Daniel Craig and beats the shit out of him. In my screenplay this goes on for like pages and pages. He calls him a bloody bastard a lot as well.

And then what happens?

Then he beats him up some more. Actually that’s it until the end. It turns into a bit of a Hostel kind of film.

Old Bond will be released in 2019.

DANIEL CRAIG’S LAST BOND FILM GETS TITLE

HOLLYWOOD – Daniel Craig will appear in his last appearance as James Bond, 007 in Never Say Never Again Again.

So Idris Elba, Tom Hardy and Tom Hiddleston will have to cool their heels a little longer. Daniel Craig has confirmed he will be donning the tuxedo one more time. He came to the Studio Exec bungalow to talk about it.

So here we are again. How’s it going?

Fine, Dan, fine. Tell me about the new Bond film.

We have a title. As you know we’ve run out of books, so we’re going back to remake Thunderball again. We’re calling it Never Say Never Again Again, because that sounds like the situation I’m in.

Why do another one? You obviously didn’t enjoy Spectre.

Fair question. Yeah, I was a bit grumpy about Spectre, because it is very physically demanding. Also the film itself turned out to be quite dour. This one we’re going for a whole new effect. I want it to be as funny as the Roger Moore films and as well put together as On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. Sam Mendes doesn’t want to direct anymore, so we’re currently searching for a director. I like Jim Jarmusch, or failing that David Lynch.

That would be a change.

Yeah I know. Ultimately, Bond needs to change if he’s going to survive. Fior instance, I also want the film to recognise that I’m older now. So I’m going to be doing a lot of sitting in comfy chairs and instead of foot chases, we’re going to have a chase on segues.

What about Christopher Nolan as a director?

I don’t know. He feels a bit young and untested.

Never Say Never Again Again will be released in 2020.

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS REVEALS THAT HE’S BEEN PLAYING 007 FOR THREE DECADES

LONDON – Oscar winning actor Daniel Day-Lewis today revealed that he’s been playing James Bond 007 for thirty years.

Lincoln, There Will Be Blood and My Left Foot actor, Daniel Day-Lewis today fessed up to another role, secret agent 007, James Bond.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Day-Lewis said:

The producers approached me in the late eighties about playing James Bond. I was reluctant at first. Timothy Dalton seemed to have done everything possible with the character. The idea of going head to head with him freaked me out. But they insisted and so I finally said yes. As you know my preparation is extensive. I read all the novels and studied the character very closely. I try to get to the core of every character and often that comes down to a single word. With Lincoln, it was ‘leadership’. Daniel Plainview it’s ‘greed’.  For James Bond it’s ‘secrecy.’

Secrecy?

Shhhhh. Perhaps, I’ve told you too much.

No please. Go on.

It seemed to me that everyone had missed this vital component of Bond’s story. So I began to play him, secretly. Under the radar. No one suspected a thing.

You didn’t let anyone know.

What kind of secret agent would tell everyone he’s a secret agent? And Bond is supposed to be the best of the best. So that’s what I did. I would introduce myself as Day-Lewis, Daniel Day-Lewis, because I decided that was the cover name that Bond would use.

And now that Daniel Craig is possibly moving on…?

I’ve already made the film.

You have?

It’s called Too Many Cocks. As in Too Many Cooks Spoil the Broth. But with the word Cocks instead of Cooks. It’s fantastic. It’s got sex, car chases, gun fights. And this amazing battle inside a Volcano at the end.

When will we see it?

Haven’t you been listening? I can’t release it.

Why not?

It would blow my cover. Wait, you’re not recording this are you?

Too Many Cocks will be released in 2019.

LESLIE JONES IN THE RUNNING TO PLAY JAMES BOND

HOLLYWOOD – Ghostbusters and SNL star Leslie Jones could be the next 007, James Bond.

The  name’s Jones, Leslie Jones! Yes, comedian and actor Leslie Jones could be the next James Bond. According to sources close to the franchise, producers are looking to update and diversify the British secret agent. Daniel Craig told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I’ve been trying to get out of it for ages, and so I told them, why not ask Leslie Jones. At first they expressed bafflement but I convinced them. She’s funny, she’s tough and she put up with so much bullshit on twitter for Ghostbusters, she’s ready for anything.

However, Jones herself has remained silent about the possibility. Craig, however, sees that as positive.

She’s smart. She won’t tell anyone until it’s announced. The producers know this as well. They get so much free publicity by not saying who the new Bond is, they’ll string it along. I wouldn’t be surprised if no publication except for the Studio Exec prints this story.

Bond 25 will be released in 2018.

JAMES BOND SNIPER SPEAKS OUT

HOLLYWOOD – Talking EXCLUSIVELY for the first time, James Bond sniper Arthur Whistle spills the beans on his job.

Arthur Whistler is in every James Bond movie though you’ve never seen his face. He’s the sniper who has followed the pacing secret agent that began every film except Dr No. This is an extract from his autobiography License to Be Shot.

I began working at Elstree in 1964 just after I got out of the library. I knew Maurice Binder from his brother who was a wall hanger. In those days walls weren’t built from the ground up but were hung on hooks. And he did that. Maurice said to me ‘How do you fancy shooting someone Wednesday?’ I was free so I took the job. It was supposed to be Sean Connery, but he couldn’t be arsed, so tried to shoot the stunt double. I was all set up. Maurice had his camera aligned using mirrors so he could get a view right down the gun barrel. But then at the last minute the blighter swiveled and shot directly at me. I was so surprised I got a nose bleed and the blood ran down the camera lens. Maurice was not a very forgiving man and swore extravagantly at me. Yet when I went to see Dr No, they’d kept the blood in. 

Different Bonds, James Bonds.

We didn’t film a new sequence for every movie. But we did re-do it when there was a new Bond and Sean Connery finally pulled his finger out to do one. Each time Maurice swore that I’d be able to get a shot away and yet each time it was I that got shot. It became a bit of a game. Roger Moore practiced his hip swivel for days. Timothy Dalton came from the theatre so he alway projected! Pierce Brosnan was Irish so he spent half the day facing in the wrong direction. Because he was Irish. That is to say stupid.

Daniel Craig.

Now we have Daniel Craig and he’s very modern and gritty, but he’s also very sweet. When he came in to film his sequence, he brought jam doughnuts for everyone. The crew and everyone. I’m 91 now so I do tend to shake a little and my memory isn’t what it used to be. I told him that I was sorry about making him do it again and again and then someone realized I’d put live rounds in the rifle. I always do, I told them. For realism. Daniel was a bit upset. And I didn’t get a second jam doughnut.

License to Be Shot is released on Amazon and is available in all good book stores.

BEN AFFLECK NAMED NEW JAMES BOND

HOLLYWOOD – Ben Affleck has been named as the new James Bond.

The internet reeled today as Batman star as EON producers announced that Ben Affleck is to be the new James Bond. In a statement, the company said:

Batman’s loss is our gain. We are very happy to announce that Ben Affleck will be replacing Daniel Craig in the next James Bond adventure, provisionally entitled Bond 25.

Daniel Craig told the Studio Exec:

Frankly it’s a relief. I’ve been treading water for at least one film now. So it’s time to give the other chap a go.

Some fans objected to the fact that James Bond will, for the first time, be played by an American actor. Others were just incensed that it was Affleck. Mike Olivetto said:

He ruined Batman and he ruined Jersey Girl and now he’s going to ruin 007.

However, others were willing to give him a chance. ‘We’ve had an Aussie, a Welshman, a Scottish Bond and even a Mick. Why not a yank?’ said Archie Bigert.

Ben Affleck himself was unavailable for comment.

Bond 25 will be released in 2018.

 

ROGER MOORE WILL NOT RETURN AS JAMES BOND

LONDON – Roger Moore has definitively ruled out the possibility of his return as James Bond, when Daniel Craig finishes his current contract which will see him star in another two outings as 007.

‘I’m already too old,’ Sir Roger Moore quipped. ‘And in another three of four years time, I’ll be 87-88. Perhaps I could play his grandfather. Ha ha.’

I had no sooner started scribbling ‘Roger Moore confirmed as 007’s grandfather in new Bond film’ when Sir Roger’s hand gripped my wrist in a steely grip.

‘I was joking,’ hissed the no-longer twinkly septuagenarian. 

Although to be totally honest I have considered returning from time to time. I see what Daniel is doing, the running and the jumping, the having sex in the shower with women who have been abused since childhood, and I think, “I’d like a bit of that”, but then I notice he doesn’t ever seem to have time for a cigarette and when it comes down to it there’s not that much shagging.

So that’s a definite maybe?

No. Absolutely not.  

And what if Sean Connery…?

Then yes.

Moonraker 2 will be released in 2017.

TERRENCE MALICK’S BOND SCRIPT LEAKS ONTO INTERNET

HOLLYWOOD – Everyone knew that Terrence Malick‘s new James Bond film provisionally entitled The Tree of Wonderful Glory Bangs would be different.

With Leonard Cohen and Arvo Part collaborating on the theme song and Daniel Craig boning up on his Heidegger, the chances were Terrence Malick was going to head in a totally new direction. However, now with the leaking onto the internet of a 600 page draft of Malick’s finished script it has become clear that his Bond is going to be like nothing you have ever seen before. Read after the jump some choice extracts from the script.

EXT. PARADISE – DAY
Paradisial expanse of lush grassland. Dinosaurs and unicorns frolic.

EXT. WATERFALL – DAY

Water falls from a water fall. 

EXT. BEACH -TWILIGHT

M. walks towards camera past camera. Looks back wistful. She is dead and has therefore gone to the beach.

BOND (v.o.)
M? Mother? Who are you that sends me on these missions?
 
INT. LONDON WHITEHALL OFFICE EVENING

Bond sits at his desk looking thoroughly miserable. Miss Moneypenny comes in. No words. She dances around the room and together they discover the beautiful fall of the failing sun reflected on the wood paneling of the windowsill. They cry. 

MONEYPENNY (V.O.)
Why? Who sent us hear? Who invented this love that we call love but other people don’t call love and don’t love it as much as us lovers of love do? Was it you?

 

 
INT. CHURCH – MAGIC HOUR
Javier Bardem dressed as a priest.
PRIEST
Jesus is great. Really top class. 
EXT. VENICE
Bond admires the church architecture and takes note of the glittering sunlight on the canal water.
BOND (whispering)
Where am I? Who am I?
Venice explodes.
 
EXT. BEACH TWILIGHT
Bond dances past M on the beach.
M.
What happened?
BOND
What happens? Happens?
 
EXT. DINOSAURS
More dinosaurs. 
 
FINIS

The Tree of Wonderful Glory Bangs will be released in 2015.