REVIEW: NO TIME TO DIE

REVIEW – With the long anticipated domestic release of No Time To Die, we tell you if you should like it or not. Read our review now to decide how you feel about No Time To Die. Tell your family, tell your friends they have to read this. They are incapable of independent thought.

No Time To Die

Clocking in at a bum-numbing 4 hours and 52 minutes, No Time To Die is the longest film in the James Bond franchise. But it’s still way shorter than Marvel’s Endgame and that made a shit load of money, so swings and roundabouts.

No Time To Eye-Eye

The starting sequence is a thrill ride of action packed references to previous Bond films. There’s a motorized Gondola chase, a racist red-neck Sheriff and a Zombie Judi Dench turns up to bend Pierce Brosnan over a desk to fist him as he squeals his way through The Winner Takes It All by ABBA.

No Time To I-Spy

The titles aint what they used to be. Long-gone are the days of naked women covered in fluorescent paint. And Duran-Duran warbling over the top, like adolescent Republicans at a Karaoke bar. These titles take themselves seriously, as does the theme song. Can anyone remember what the theme song sounds like? I can’t, and I’ve just watched the film. There are lots of musical references to previous Bond films. Alice Cooper’s Man With The Golden Gun theme is in there, as is Radiohead’s Skyfall theme. There’s also a reworking of the James Bond theme, played on guitar by Jimmy Page which lasts even longer than the film.

Dr No Character Development

The villain does a wonderful version of Crazy Little Thing Called Love from his glamorous evil hideout and Daniel Craig looks like a baked potato in a tuxedo. He’s ugly, but you’d still smother him in sour cream and push him into your face. But who cares about all of this because it’s Bond. So if you like Bond, you’ll go see it and if you don’t like Bond, you won’t go and see it. Either way it doesn’t matter. There’s far too much money to be made out of these things regardless of what we say or do.

No Time To Die Is Showing Somewhere Within 20 Yards Of You

FIVE RACIST BOND MOMENTS

HOLLYWOOD – To coincide with the long awaited Bond film No Time To Die, The Exec takes a look back at James Bond’s more racist moments during the franchise’s history. Much has been done recently to address these issues. But what makes our top five racist Bond moments and why are they so awful?

Five Racist Bond Moments #5 – Octopussy

The India set entry of the Bond series is packed full of moments that make you cringe and wince. But the low point must surely be when Roger Moore’s Bond has won some money playing Backgammon. He tips the guy stood next him and says, ‘That should keep you in curry for a few weeks.’ What a dick.

Five Racist Bond Moments #4 – From Russia With Love

The ‘Gypsy’ camp sequence does nothing to advance attitudes towards the Romani community. The women are portrayed as wild eyed objects used only for sex or cooking (the ever-present Bond misogyny) and the men are disposable fodder for Bond’s white savior who must be protected at all costs. Not a good look.

Five Racist Bond Moments #3 – You Only Twice

Bond’s transformation into a Japanese man is eye watering in its racism. According to the Roald Dahl penned script (let’s not go down that road) it’s easy to ‘become Japanese’. All you have to do is remove your body hair, put on a wig (must have been hot under all those wigs), stoop and shuffle around. Don’t worry about your thick Scottish accent. You can always just shoot anyone who questions you. Job done.

Five Racist Bond Moments #2 – Live And Let Die (All Of It)

Getting in on the Blaxploitation trend of the time was never going to work for Bond. From Harlem’s Mr Big to San Monique and the horrific ‘voodoo’ scenes. They play on almost every conceivable racist stereotype available about the African American and Caribbean communities at the time. The Bond writers and producers did not get Roger Moore’s tenure in the tuxedo off to a great start. And that trend was going to continue.

And Racist Bond Moment #1 Is… – The Man With The Golden Gun (All Of It)

In Roger Moore’s second outing, Bond is basically a racist sex tourist on holiday in South East Asia. His mission: To fuck and offend every nation and culture he happens across, with extreme prejudice. So with the subtlety of a flying brick, he takes the piss out of names for wine, raises eyebrows at subservient hotel porters and displays tendencies for predatory stalking of naked girls in pools with ridiculous names. If the Carry On team had been given a multi-million dollar budget, they would have made this film. It’s truly a low point for the franchise because ‘comic’ relief comes yet again in the form of uber-racist Sheriff, J W Pepper. Thankfully, the writers and producers have come a long way. Long may it continue to improve, because we love a bit of Bond. Just not when he’s not being a racist dick.

No Time To Die Is Finally Out In UK Cinemas This Week

JAMES BOND SPINOFF MOVIE ANNOUNCED

BREAKING NEWS – Ending months of speculation, EON productions and Barbara Broccoli have confirmed a James Bond spinoff movie is set to go into production shortly. The James Bond spinoff movie will tell the story of ‘The Bottle Man’, the guy who witnesses various crazy James Bond stunts around the world in several Bond films. The Exec caught up with Barbara Broccoli to find out more on this surprising project.

Barbara, Why Did You Choose The Bottle Man As Your First Bond Spinoff?

We knew everyone would be expecting us to go with a female double-0 kinda vibe. So we thought it would be cool to go in a direction nobody would be expecting. There’s a whole raft of female led action movies out there now, with Black Widow, Atomic Blonde and the upcoming Furiosa thing. Therefore the market’s flooded. We thought let’s expand the JBU (James Bond Universe) in terms of genre. That’s when we came up with the idea of going with a character driven, arthouse picture. The Bottle Man is the perfect choice to explore what drives men to drink and become toxic assholes. No one’s done that before.

Can You Explain Who The Bottle Man Is?

He was a guy who briefly appeared double-taking when Bond emerges from the sea in his Lotus on The Spy Who Loved Me. He then did the same when Bond is in that fucking motorized Gondola during Moonraker. He also turns up during the ski and bike chase in For Your Eyes Only. This is a guy who spends his time on some pretty expensive holidays, but he’s always drinking. We wanted to explore what drives him to drink.

How Do You Intend To Do That?

We’re going to tell his stories leading up to and including those encounters. It’ll be a trilogy, one encounter for each movie. It’s like our version of Kieslowski’s Trois Couleurs Trilogy. Think Bond meets Bukowski and you can’t go far wrong.

Who Is Playing The Bottle Man?

Jean Dujardin. We figured he owes us after making a killing on those fucking OSS-117 movies. We couldn’t even Kevin McLory his ass in court. So we figured, if you can’t beat them, give them a shit ton of dough to do your own stuff. That fucker took the bait. No more OSS, that’s for sure.

The Bottle Man Part 1 Starts Filming In The New Year

BLONDER BOND WEBSITE LAUNCHES

BREAKING NEWS – In a shock turnaround, internet fandom has done a complete 180 degree swivel as the Blonder Bond website launches. Bond fans around the world have flocked to the site as the Blonder Bond website launches its campaign for an even blonder James Bond after Daniel Craig hangs up the tuxedo. The Exec spoke exclusively with the website’s owners, who wish to remain anonymous.


Guys, thanks for joining us for this anonymous interview.

Guys? That’s a bit assumptive. We could be women or non-binary. You don’t know.

You’ve launched a website demanding who they cast as Bond in the next film. You’re 100% male.

Yeah, ok. Fair enough.

So, tell us about the website.

We were the ones behind the DanielCraigIsNotBond.com website. The tide seems to have turned against us a little. So we decided to launch another website to make sure the next Bond is even blonder. Really ramp up the blonde.

How Do You Respond To Claims That This Kind Of Fandom Is Toxic?

Who the fuck said that? Gimme their names and their twitter handles. I’ll set up a website and twitter campaign to fuck their shit right up. Bastards. Umm… what I meant to say was, not at all. I just want to engage with my film fan community and express my love for these films.

What Did You Think Of Quantum Of Solace?

If I ever hear anyone say anything good about that film, they’re dead to me. They are obviously wrong about everything they have ever posted about. They know nothing about films. Particularly James Bond films. Hah! I bet they think Roger Moore was too old to play Bond towards the end. Idiots.

What Do You Think About The Release The Snyder Cut Campaign?

Those liberal minded assholes? They were far too willing to bend to the will of the consensus. Dicks.

Who Do You Think Should Play The Next James Bond?

Pierce Brosnan in a blonde wig. Tarantino to direct.

No Time To Die Is Out In The UK At The End Of The Month

TIMOTHY DALTON SIGNS ON FOR OLD BOND

HOLLYWOOD – Timothy Dalton will return as James Bond in a spin off 007 project provisionally titled Old Bond.

Timothy Dalton came into the Studio Exec Bungalow to talk about the new project earlier today.

We watched Logan and we thought this is bloody brilliant. So I phoned Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson and I said, ‘Listen you Bloody Bastards, I want to play Bond again. But as an old geezer!’ They said no initially. But then I called them bastards and told them bollocks. And after a while they gave in.

So what will the story consist of?

Of course, being older Bond has other concerns than simply saving the world. He has terrible hemorrhoids and he needs to go to the chemist and get some cream. Then there’s his arthritis and the stair lift is cousin sold him is shit. All the policemen are getting younger and there are too many immigrants for his taste. He spends a lot of time watching old World War Two war films and cheering. However, he is dragged out retirement by his dislike of the Daniel Craig Bond films. It’s very meta.

What?

Yeah. And he decides to take over and do the job properly. So he kidnaps Daniel Craig and beats the shit out of him. In my screenplay this goes on for like pages and pages. He calls him a bloody bastard a lot as well.

And then what happens?

Then he beats him up some more. Actually that’s it until the end. It turns into a bit of a Hostel kind of film.

Old Bond will be released in 2019.

ROGER MOORE WILL NOT RETURN AS JAMES BOND

LONDON – Roger Moore has definitively ruled out the possibility of his return as James Bond, when Daniel Craig finishes his current contract which will see him star in another two outings as 007.

‘I’m already too old,’ Sir Roger Moore quipped. ‘And in another three of four years time, I’ll be 87-88. Perhaps I could play his grandfather. Ha ha.’

I had no sooner started scribbling ‘Roger Moore confirmed as 007’s grandfather in new Bond film’ when Sir Roger’s hand gripped my wrist in a steely grip.

‘I was joking,’ hissed the no-longer twinkly septuagenarian. 

Although to be totally honest I have considered returning from time to time. I see what Daniel is doing, the running and the jumping, the having sex in the shower with women who have been abused since childhood, and I think, “I’d like a bit of that”, but then I notice he doesn’t ever seem to have time for a cigarette and when it comes down to it there’s not that much shagging.

So that’s a definite maybe?

No. Absolutely not.  

And what if Sean Connery…?

Then yes.

Moonraker 2 will be released in 2017.