SYRIAN CIVIL WAR PAUSES AS KRISTEN STEWART AND ROBERT PATTINSON REUNITE
DAMASCUS – Today the guns outside Aleppo fell silent, in the Middle East Palestinian militants and Israeli settlers broke bread, children from North and South Korea met on the DMZ and danced to the sound of an old Paul McCartney record.
Is it true? Is the news really true? Are Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson back together (in time for the blu-ray release of the Twilight Saga’s final installment, Breaking Dawn: Part Two)?
Studio Exec can exclusively reveal – along with much of the world’s press and many thousands of internet sites – that yes someone who said something who knows someone has said that yes, the great misery guts, bong-toker and mope-face Kristen Stewart has sought and received the forgiveness of the toothsome Mr. Pattinson. President Obama and Governor Romney joined together on the lawn of the Rose Garden and Mitt – playing acoustic guitar and singing harmony – went through six of their favorite Simon and Garfunkel songs.
The new Pope issued a statement saying that usually he hates young people and love and all that ‘shit’ but he has always loved K.Stew and R.Patz and was ‘stoked’ for the final film in the Mormon vampire epic.
Can this be the new dawn? The dare we say it Breaking Dawn Part Two of a new era?
Even as we write these words news has reached us that the ice caps have decided to freeze back up and scientist agree that global warming has somehow miraculously been reversed. By the power of love.