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Thursday 13 August 2020
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STUPID EXPERIMENTS: BEING BRUCE WILLIS

STUPID EXPERIMENTS: BEING BRUCE WILLIS

October 6

I woke up with a hangover and remembered that the night before I’d created a fake Bruce Willis account on Twitter for no reason whatsoever. It’s such a pointless idea I don’t bother checking to see what I posted.

October 9

I’m finishing some work when I remember that three days previously I got drunk and set up a fake Bruce Willis account. I check in to see how many followers he’s got. About 50. I write some random tweet about an upcoming film. It gets no retweets. What a pisser.

October 10

I get a message on my phone that a guy has tweeted to my fake Bruce Willis. Turns out to be a guy that knows him who has written a script for Die Hard 6. He DMs me and ask how I am. I play along thinking that any moment he’s going to figure out I’m just some joker that created a fake Bruce Willis account. He keeps talking to me, I chance my arm and ask him to send me the Die Hard 6 script, he sends me a picture of a Die Hard Scrapbook instead. I tweet it out. It gets 1 retweet. I consider closing the account but I get distracted by a phone call.

October 13

I get a message on my phone. The guy has DM-ed me again. He’s keen, obviously no longer has a direct line to the man himself. I like the guy but it’s too late to reveal the wizard behind the curtain. I play along. He’s obviously suspicious and asks me questions which I manage to evade. I ask him again for the Die Hard script, he says he’ll consider it but he’s too unsure. Good for him. I sign off.

October 14

I’m on the Studio Exec twitter when I see a post about it being the 20th anniversary of Pulp Fiction. I consider doing an article when I remember the fake Bruce Willis and it occurs to me that if I post something out there, I might get a few retweets. I scan through google images and pick a photo of him and Tarantino on the set of Pulp Fiction and sign off to go for lunch.

5 minutes later

My phone keeps beeping. I check out the notifications and it says 10 people have retweeted the Willis/Tarantino picture. I continue eating lunch.

10 minutes later

My phone is now beeping every 10 seconds. I check again, 40 reweets. I continue eating lunch.

1 hour later

My iPhone has melted. I have to turn off the notifications as they’re going off every second. I disappear into the bathroom and check out twitter. It’s up to 200 retweets and 500 followers and I can’t work out why. I shrug and go for drinks.

12 hours later.

I wake up with a cruel and unusual hangover. I check my phone and see that the retweets peaked around 550. I pour a coffee and do a search on twitter when I come across a tweet from some journalist asking @theacademy if I’m the real Bruce Willis. I check out the Academy site and then I almost do a Chazz Palmanteri in The Usual Suspects and drop my coffee mug on the floor. The Academy retweeted the picture. I stare at the screen for about 5 minutes with my mouth open.

bruce4

The result

I got 1500 + followers and 600 retweets in about 24 hours. For the last week I’ve just been been trying to keep old Bruce going but this charade has two fatal flaws. Well, one fatal flaw. The first was that his wife is on Twitter and she posted that I was a fake which should, in a fair world have spelled the end put few read her tweets and people are still following, retweeting and messaging me as though I’m the real deal. The only flaw left is the twitter blue tick. You can fool some people without it, but most will just assume you’re a fraud unless you have it.

Conclusion

Don’t get drunk and open fake Bruce Willis accounts. You might get retweeted by some social media big shot but at the end of the day you’re still just some idiot on twitter pretending to be somebody you’re not. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a lunch date with Steven Spielberg and I’m already late.

brucex1
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