Sunday 20 September 2020
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Expendables 3

ARIZONA – FBI confirmation: the crazed pony-tailed gunman holding hostages in a K-MART is former action star Steven Seagal. 

30 hostages are being held in the one stop shop home solution store by the star of the now ironically titled Under Siege and that so far no-one has been seriously hurt. FBI negotiator Liberty Irons (daughter of Jeremy) is concerned, however, about the mournful music heard drifting from the store.

We think Seagal has found a budget guitar and amp set and is attempting to break our resolve with some of his original blues guitar compositions. God knows what those poor people must be going through.

Asked whether the actor had issued any demands, Irons had this chilling account:

They’re very specific. Seagal still hasn’t been asked to participate in an Expendables movie. In fact, we believe he has a valid case. He’s the only 80’s action hero who hasn’t been asked to join the franchise. They even got JCV.

 Even from behind the police tape, we could hear a song being pumped out of the stores PA system, with a bluesy tune lamenting: 

I can’t believe Sly Stallone,

Threw Harrison Ford an action bone, 

and when it comes to action based ham, 

There’s none worse than slap-head Statham, 

Don’t even get me started on Jet Li, 

I can outdo that hack with a pony-tail-ee.

And Bruce Willis is double sh*t at fighting, 

Except as comic relief on Moonlighting

Eric F*cking Roberts? You Yak-faced tool yer! 

You‘d get whupped by your pretty sis’ Julia.

Please Sylvester call me on the phone, 

I’m punctual, clean and dependable, 

Please can’t you call me, Mr Stallone, 

Please let me also be Expendable. 

(Repeat ad nauseum) 

One member of the assembled SWAT team is reported to have been heard whistling the tune while setting up a laser-sighted long range rifle and a local policeman was reported to have whispered ‘That’s a pretty tight beat’

Expendables 3 will be released in 2014. 

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