STAR WARS 7 WILL FOCUS ENTIRELY ON CHILDREN
HOLLYWOOD – Rumors have been flying around all week about the J.J. Abrams directed Star Wars 7 but Studio Exec can now exclusively reveal that the new entry into the Star Wars universe will focus entirely on children.
A source close to the Disney production revealed the decision had been made after the departure of Toy Story 3 scribe Michael Ardnt:
Ardnt had been hired because Abrams wanted to get the film back to its roots of childlike fantasy and wonder. He had too much darkness in Star Trek into Darkness and now wanted something altogether more light, but Ardnt didn’t baby it up enough for him. We have this huge poster of Jake Lloyd in the office and Abrams points to it continually as he screams at everyone ‘to Jar-Jar the Ewok up!’ No, we don’t know what he means by that either.
Suspicions had already been raised when the casting agency sent out call sheets for 3-12 year olds for characters such as Little Luke, Han Jr and the Jar-Jar quads. The setting of the film will be a space academy (similar to Ender’s Game) and Harrison Ford is expected to show up as curmudgeonly Geography teacher (and finally get to explain that parsecs are a unit of distance rather than time). There will also be comedy kid aliens who say ‘poop’ and ‘how wude!’ a lot and juvenile robots who pee motor oil.
Our source revealed that the studio is aiming for something ‘like the first Harry Potter but without the deep bitterness and cynicism. J.J. has added extra “yippee”s as a homage to Lucas.’
Star Wars Episode 7 is scheduled for release in 2015.